Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  At the end of the day I’m standing alone in my crown of thorns and a castle full of ruins, I know that. I’ve always known that. There will be no one at the end regardless    of any sacrifices I have ever made.  The only legacies I will leave are the ones of those that stood adjacent to me and I didn’t affect there lives. I have watched my worlds burn and I have risen from the ashes more times than I want to admit. I’m still fucking here. I’m still standing. I’ve weaponized my tears because otherwise they would have broken me.  ...and you call other men King? There’s only ever been one true King in you’re life. And only one true prince. And you damaged both relationships irrevocably. Once I thought I had forgiven you, but I think the true reality is that I was just trying to justify the fact that I could forget you and all the damage that you had done... I take no solace from the fact you’re own life is on fire due to you’re own actions and behaviours... it’s just an indication of the

There are other battles to fight in my life. It’s time that I start focusing on them instead of pipe dreams. It’s been 4 years of status quo, I scared away the last girl that loved me unconditionally and I’m starting to let someone that I am not devour what little is left of my soul.  I need to put boundaries up with a lot of people in my life even those closest, I can’t continue to be status quo. I’m starting to lose my fucking mind because of other’s selfishness. I walked away from my truest blood and didn’t look back because someone in his life was selfish and narcissistic and wanted to control me. Now that I have my head above water it’s going to fucking stay that way, even if it means abandoning someone I care about.  But this is not the choice I made 4 years ago to play nursemaid for the rest of my life. I don’t mind helping. But it can’t be the only thing that defines me anymore. It’s been two years and it’s just detioratied.    Excuses and a lack of respect can only go on so lo

ANGER. Anger makes you slow. Anger makes you heavy. It clouds judgment. It makes mistakes. But anger controlled is strength; a wounded friend to carry, a desert to cross. Commandos don't waste anger. They channel it. Call me when you’re ready to grow up. Because I’m done playing games and what if. I’m not the back up plan. I’m done being angry. You hurt me and I forgive you because of a promise I made to another. I always let you come back. That’s ended. I have nothing to prove to you but you have plenty to prove to me. That’s where we stand. That’s why you have never been offered the fucking ring. That’s why you likely never will be. You know the saddest fucking part? You need me to be angry at you. I function better as a person in you’re absense when I’m angry and hate you. Looking for peace and wishing for a change only leads to depression and apathy. I get things done when I want to to be the destroyer of worlds and the water of souls. We need to be enemies and hate each other.

I’m happy and having fun and I have no reason to slow down for anyone. The past keeps getting farther and farther in the rear view window. This isn’t the life I would have chose but it is the one that I should have had 20 years ago. I have it now. Maybe one day you’ll join me. Maybe you won’t. Either way I’m good with that. I can keep moving forward like I have always done. Like I once said to a former freind, life is an adventure.   I do things, because they can be done. For the adventure of it. For the fun. To be happy. Think about why you aren’t. Current Music: Bad Man, Disturbed.

I have fun and live my life and absolutely nothing of value is missing in it, save my son. I’m glad that I was able to give him that experience once. One that I now don’t take for granted, as it’s the one thing that my best freind and the man I call my brother can do without him getting exhausted and he really enjoys it. The fact that we were able to go as a group and have a great fucking time is all I need in my life. Legendary little moments.