Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am here and thinking about you on your day. I always think about you on your day. I wanted to be there today but I’m not because it’s not time yet. I am here, I will always be here. But I don’t know what the next step is yet.  I’m going to offer and I’m going to try because that is who I am and what we are. It’s complicated and there might not be a happy ending but I’m going to always try to let you know are loved and I want you to have a happy birthday.  There are always things here for you and options for a birthday date. Where we go from here is up to you, but you know what’s waiting. I would have liked to give it to today. Maybe I will soon. 

Let’s get one thing out of the the way… I don’t need anyone in my life. And those that play fucking games and cost me money over and over again will be excommunicated and removed from my life without a secondary fuckin thought. I have bigger things to worry about and bigger dreams and responsibilities than to deal with bullshit. I have stepped away from people I love and am closer to than you and I have ever been and I’m sick of the fact that you keep manipulating and lying bout doing things that affects someone I care about. This is not the first time, but you know what they say about three strikes. I’m not going to be someone’s fair weather friend just because I can gain a momentary advantage on doing things… umm no, I am plenty fine finding and doing things on my own.  Look at all the events I’ve done solo. And the one I should have done last Saturday by myself. But no, I let friendship and loyalty be more important to me. I think some things are meant to die, it’s just the slowly r

I kind of like this idea of being your emotional support animal and having you play with my hair. Our lives haven’t changed that much. They have just adjusted parallel to deal with all the things in our lives. We have unfinished business, that’s for certain but we also have a child together and that’s not going to ever change no matter how old he is. We have choices that  we have made, and we live separate lives even if they run parrellell but I am not sure that our end game agendas match. I am going one way you’re probably going another. I can turn it off and stop giving a shit easily because that is the animal you have turned it into. I have a life that you just run parallel to. If you are not actively involved in my life you don’t need to be there. You make the choices with that, not me but don’t complain and call when I’m living my best life without you  or the eventual moment when I will be unavailable to to you again. It’s coming. I’m not going to spend my life alone miserable wa

You can’t go home agian. Hamilton is and has never been my home. Neither is Windsor. I know where my real home is. And that horror story isn’t any better. At least with all the drama in my life the fight I got into in the pit got rid of some lent up aggression towards what she’s going thru right now. If you won’t let me physically help why burden me with your damage? Oh that’s right it’s the same old mindgame and I can’t tell what’s real or fiction with you. At least I know my reality is better than yours. I’m good with that. I’m never coming home and I can live with that too. Anyone that wants to bring up Insignificant historical bullshit from 20 and 30 years ago can stay the fuck out of my orbit. I will ghost you like you never even existed. There is a reason you were forgotten.  Me and my family have bigger things to deal with than to listen to someone that was microscopic in a moment in my life. As for the Windsorite drama, it’s lovely how people who never even had a seat at the ta

Everything was simpler before I went to jail. The world changed and I didn’t. It seems like now all I do is go from crisis to crisis to crisis with the ones I love. There has to be something better than this hell. I know that I could move on alone and take care of myself but that means abandoning all of those that care about me. That’s not in my character but I do sometimes wish that other things weren’t different in my world.  Responsibilities suck. I have far to many of them. It was simpler when I could just play my guitar and take care of myself. Good or bad, i was at peace in my affairs and personal life. Now I’m constantly fighting battles while being at peace only on my head. I’d rather take mental suffering than wondering about my tommorow. And right now I don’t feel like I have one. I am hurting and pulled in different directions and I am not good at caring and providing for someone else. I do my best but it is leading to burnout and being taken advantage of and it’s getting fr

I can’t keep listening to you go from crisis to crisis without having an active hand in. These late night calls are just you needing whatever and it needs to change and evolve into something better or it needs to fade back away to nothingness. I can’t give fifty percent, I never could. You never wanted that anyways. But now you are choosing to be the chaotic one, when that was supposed to be my role… One day I will stop caring. It’s getting to be apathy now. You made you’re bed. Now lie in it. I’m not fucking there. There’s a good chance I will never be there. I’ve made peace with that fact. Why haven’t you? This is the life you forced upon us. You’re decision not mine. And now you have a lifetime of regret? Guess what? I have none. Not one. Ever. Anything I ever did I did it for the right reasons. No regrets. No remorse.  I don’t need or want you’re validation the same way you seem to crave mine. There are moments that are cute and have meaning. And that little bit of daylight shines

We are an illusion. A fractured fucking fairy tale that worked once upon a time.  We come close but we aren’t back to that yet. This is still a chess game and you and I may be unpredictable. But we are also going to play this game forever unless one of us makes a choice and a gamble and some day soon. And then there can be an end. Regardless. I am the one who does not have chaos in his life and that’s because I’ve made a choice for that to be the exact situation. I can walk away, anytime, I’ve chosen not to.  But i do answer the phone and listen to your drama. But I don’t think that this changes overnight or has a fairytale ending without it involving a lot of work. You’re not there yet. I’ve been waiting a long time for you to be and one day you might be where I am now. But you ain’t there yet.  I hold no illusions to what we might have been. I just remember what we were and what we might be again. My reality is simply better than yours right now and I don’t allow drama or bullshit to