Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Sometimes I am reminded that all we truly are is a simple set of goodbyes. I’m trying to be more but right now we are just in that place we always get to. The In between something and nothing. While I’m good either way, the heart wants more and will always long for it. That’s why I try. That’s why I’m trying now.  I don’t know where we stand. And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. For some reason you want to be in my life tho. I just cant stand you just being an accessory to it.  I can’t pretend to be something we are not. And you need to figure out what’s best for you, me in your life or not. It’s been a lifetime of bad decisions for both of us. I’m not sure I want to continue in that same path. It’s just all bad road. The key is getting away from it all I agree.  The only problem is that we are at a crossroads and i don’t think either of know the next step.  The only reality is that I want us both to be happy, and I think we are better off happier ...

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over.  All of our moments are over.  I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts.  I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

I don’t care. I don’t have time to care anymore. I have my reasons for doing shit and while they will continue I know exactly where you and I stand. I’m good with that. Id rather have an honest enemy than someone who faked affection for me when she needs something. I’m happy with my life and I’m under not pretensions that things will ever change anymore. There are better uses of my energy in this life than being angry.  I don’t need or want you in my life. It has been twenty years since you mattered. All you want is control and to have that so I don’t slip away.  That’s not how it works. I am free of all your bullshit and the longer it is the easier it is to walk away from everything I once was with you. We were a cup of coffee in a generation that didn’t make an sense. Why the hell do we still even continue to exist to each other. He’s grown. It’s time for me to walk away. These emotions hurt and as much as I bury them all it takes is one phone call or one text from you and t...

I don’t care if you answer or respond anymore. I can look myself in the mirror and my son in the eye and know that I tried. For twenty damn years I tried whatever you expected of me, I was here. The fact you don’t answer confirms everything now I need to know. And I can move on. I gave you everything I had in this life. And more. What the actual fuck have you ever wanted from me? At this point, I’m just doing what I’ve always done. Moving on. There is no more hope. There is no more days left. One maybe. Lets see how I feel in September. But I am done trying otherwise. I really hoped something would change in two decades but we have defined who we are for a generation. And there will be answers provided when the time comes. Till then, I’m back to waiting unless you change the game.

Guess whose still here. 20 years later where you forced upon me the impossible choice.  I choose to be happy and do spectacular things. I wanted you to come to dinner for Christmas or Boxing Day but that didn’t happen. I want you here tonight. But that wont happen either. I’ll just continue to do epic shit on my own journey.  I’m at peace I’m not angry. I’m only a little bitter when we hit some of these milestones we should be sharing together. An attempt was made, it’s all I can give or promise you now. One day I might not be able to give you the attempt… there are certainly days now I don’t want to.  But twenty years you made the impossible choice, how would you have ever expected me to come back from that after all we had been thru? And then you confounded original sin with every more. I have forgiven you, there are days I lie to myself in the mirror and pretend that I completely love you, I do love you, but it is with reservation. There’s only one human on this earth ...

I’m hurting, but I can deal with it. Being ignored at Christmas sucks. I deserved better. This is status quo for the rest of my life tho. One day I’ll just grow cold and stop caring. Again. Probably better for all involved.  But Christmas is supposed to mean hope. I try to honour that. One day a year I won’t fight with you and I’ll always try to do something for the three of us. But if I’m not good enough. So be it.  I choose to be happy. That’s my Christmas in the casino with the loved one I’m with and busy taking care of right now. Dinner is still offered tomorrow I’ll let you know when in the morning. I’ll still try. But you being in my life isn’t dependant on me being happy, I’m happy anyways… I have a good life. I’ll continue to have a good and happy life.  You were missed this Christmas. I hope you and my son had a good one anyways. I brought one of his gifts if you decide to show up for dinner. I don’t expect you to. I will still offer. That’s my nature. Merry Chri...