Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I keep being left for fucking dead abd written off but somehow I continue to survive and be a fucking thorn in your side, there must be a reason for that. You might want to try and find out your reasons for that. I survived long before you and there was a reason for that too. You were the happy accident that led to tragedy, me, the government, authority? I hold no illusions i know exactly where I stand and have since the 1980s. There is no free thought in this country, just an agenda.   Is it still paranoia when the paranoiac is absolutely right? I am hypervigilant, I always expect the fucking wolf at the door. My life doesnt improve, it just fucking evolves into yet another monster I have to deal with. Too bad I evolved into a monster to be able to push back agianst it as well. I know exactly who I am and what im capable of. I know im angry. That's not something that will ever truly go the fuck away, but I have reasons for my anger. I always have and things just co...

  I wear my fucking heart on my sleeve, quite literally if you look at the tattoo underneath.. thats the only true person I love, but honestly no one else is going to matter ever. Especially the women in my life that play games and go hot and cold and hide behind their illusions. Im right here, take me as I am, darkness and demons and all or just leave me the fuck alone.. im at peace, I dont need anyone, the only one I need is him... and thats the battle that would have me walk thru Mordor over and over agian. Everyone else in my life is simply a distraction, I am fucking laser focused on that and always have been. I've watched empires fall around me waiting for that change. Maybe one day, but for now ill continue adventuring on my own... thats all I need. I'm at the point in my life I don't care who stays and who leaves and who comes back into my life in this moment. I know who will be there are the end. That's all that matter. Until then I'm good taking this j...

This is my life now. I hope you enjoy the fucking show. Its not over. Ever. Can you not be entertained. You know I start to really consider all the years in the wilderness wandering without doing things, did I really feel the need to be educated and sophisticated and above the things I love or was it a lack of contacts and money? I choose to think it was the latter but then I look at my college and university years and I realize the exact moment everything changed and I settled down. Was it worth it? Every second. But I wonder why ten years ago I was still chasing that dragon. I definitely consider it now that i shouldn't be. I like my distractions. That's part of why my life collapsed. I didnt have them and I held onto the tiny shred of something I can never have for far longer than I ever should have. I'm not a mythological character. When i have stories of the things ive doneits because I've done them and am continuing to do legendary things. That's who I am. Lar...

This is who I am. This is all the world.allows me to be, and somehow you have a romantic notion that its a good place to be, the nomad, the bard, playing his guitar. Just moving on. Youre the only reason I ever choose to put down roots, and that umbilical cord has turned into a noose. Im stuck her for better or worse without you. Because despite options I know the reality is I need to deal with all responsibilities. That keeps me here. That keeps me grounded in the moment I'm in. I get to be me. The constant entertainer. Who you passed by in life and gave no accord. I'm just here. I don't matter. I'm just the pathetic sad clown. Moving on. But it is to my own drum because its always had to be. Nobody and nothing is changing that. You couldn't then. Why bother trying now. I go to the pit to release aggravation. And to deal with the skeletons in my head. But music is always what brought me to the table. The fact I get to enjoy it on my own terms now means everyth...

I guess this is finally the moment I let go. There is no point chasing dragons anymore. Illusions and the unreality need to finally come to an end. It doesnt matter who is or isn't in my life because at the end of the day he isn't. And thats what's important and why I always try. But he's an adult he can make his own decisions. I'll never truly walk away not really, but I am picking and choosing my moments for me now. There cant be any more trying I cannot afford it and I dont want to keep running into the same brick walls. I have a good life and I have adventures and do my own thing. I dont need to worry about others who disregard me when it doesnt suit her agenda. Im gonna look at where my options lie in the new year and stop holding myself back from new experiences and taking new chances but I'm done chasing the albatross. Its been around my neck long enough. You placed it there... I'm removing it. I need to be free. I need my life to be what ...

I dont know what the next option is. However I do know that its nice to have options in my life that make me happy. I'm going to live in the moment and see what the world brings me. No expectations but no world changing movements that are under appreciated either. If this is the path im set on so be it... if it changes im good with that. Both paths lead to struggle But both paths also lead to happiness. And I'm willing to change or be status quo. Im happy in my life and I have good people around. No drama. I think it may continue on that path. I live my life in moments both good abd bad. That's what I have because I dont know how many I have left. The last few moments have been an eye opener.  That should say it all. I'm going to choose happiness at the end. But it'll be on my terms as it always is.  No one elses. No one has ever been there to save me... why should I be classified as savior. I'd rather be with someone who makes me happy without drama. All loo...