Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am happy in my life. And content. I'm just waiting upon the next step. That's all it is. There is something missing, there always will be until I fix my little family. That's always going to the hole inside. But I'm working on it. I know that if there ever has to be an answer for 2011 that it will not be the courts. It will be me. Doing the right thing as a father. Why I've always stayed forever vigilant.  I watched you sit 3 aisles from me. I know where I stand on that. Nothing more needs to be said. There is no fear and no anger. Just sadness for the years we have lost. We have a lot to deal with. And even more to be hyper vigilant  about. I don't know where it will all lead. I just know I will always be here. I will never betray you the way others in your life have. I may walk away at times to protect you, your mental health and my own sanity. But I will never hurt you intentionally.  I'll always be here. The phone will always be answe...

I have no regrets. Only sadness that things didn't go the way they were supposed to when tell me about sad moments that I should have been there for. There are too many of those. I should have been at your side at the concert to to hold you. We have a moment now let's see how it goes. But I will always be here and it's pretty obvious now you will always be in orbit. Not being in each other's lives was a mistake.  The fact that even tho we didn't sit together I have now watched a concert with my son is mindblowing. Hopefully stuff like this continues.  I do understand why it's complicated. I'm very aware of we spend time together that those old emotions will bubble up to the service and once you've had my touch regularly or even been in the same room. With me extended periods things will change. I'm very aware you are afraid of that. But we have only so much time left. And that's gets very apparent every moment that we have. Esp the sorts scary o...

A lot of people are going to be left behind. My life isn't an easy one and people that aren't fucking contributing to my life can be left behind. I'm not in a great place mentally and it feels like it's going to be extended trip of the same old thing. If you don't know me at all, if I'm stuck in a fucking moment  I don't want to be in I will find a way to change the situation. I've already lost one good freind to the fact that I am stuck in my current situation and I am not appreciated for it. What's a few more. I honestly wish that the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a freight train. I know it's the least worst option for both of us but at the end of the day it's just trading one misery for another. I need to figure out the next step for me, not for anyone else. This year has sucked balls and I'm just going around and around in fucking circles. When I am underappractied by people or worse feeling downright fuckin...

There is one undefined moment left. But it will have to wait until I know where I stand with you. I can't keep going on and on and wondering where I stand. If there is nothing I fucking chose nothing. I can and will live in the land of fantasy with my own things. And I'm having fun and not in need of anyone. But there is something missing and you fucking know that. It's why you keep extending the olive branch but only so far. I go silent because it's easier for me for the wealth of emotion I have for you to deal with than to deal with empty promises. I will chose the nothing. I have before. I will agian. I chose it over drama every damn time. When every phone call ends through same way... in confusion. It's not even anger or a war anymore. But I am reminded that I wasn't there in the moment you and him needed me the most. I tried. I should have tried harder and forced my  way in. That's part of why you've never truly forgiven me for everything. You nee...

  I may love you, that may even be a constant that will never change. But i dont have a problem walking away for my own self respect, mental health and peace. I don't think our story will ever really end. But i refuse to play delusional fairy tale games as well. I like that our moment isn't completely done but we are no longer tied to promises. I know you don't like being in control and you ain't ready that is understood. But i need more than a one day maybe. There is love, there will always be love. That doesn't change. Our story hasn't ended it's just a diffrent set of rules. You surprised me. I was expecting the end game.  I am happy that you are in my life and that its open ended. We will see what tommorow brings. We need to discuss the next option. But maybe its better that we take time and nor jump into anything. You have been back in my life for six fucking years coming and going. Nothing ever gets resolved. We were only together for just under fo...

There is always the next option. But the game has changed... there is a new element... just because there is hope doesn't mean it will fucking remain. I'm gonna continue to do my own thing and you can somehow find me if needed. I'm not going to chase anymore. Not that I ever did. But today is my day. I'm going to enjoy it. I don't know the next step on anything. But I am reflecting that nothing has changed since my 43rd birthday 6 years ago and maybe at this point something needs to. I just keep staying in the same old pattern miserably. I need to figure some stuff for fifty. This isn't going to be my world forever. As usual I'm just holding on waiting for the next moment. There has to be more than this. There is always time to be miserable later. Today I'm going to just enjoy myself and not look back. But I have to make things change.