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Hurt.



Why do you do things only to take them away? Are u trying to salt the wound and control me? You let me have a ray of hope and then you break me down to fucking nothing.  I’m sick of talking about future planning and changing things and then you slam the door shut after giving me a little daylight.


Just because I’m always going to be here. Doesn’t mean I have to always like it I don’t. I do things unconditionally because I love you and more importantly I love him. But you could never control me, and you’re never going to be able to control me. Don’t tell me what to do when your not ready for me to come home. 


I have my own life, made without you. No one is gonna tell me who to associate with. I have people I care about in my life, that have had my back the whole time in the wilderness. But because you are jealous. I can’t have a social life or friends. Every girl is a threat. No. They aren’t. Just because I place you first doesn’t mean I don’t have options or people that care about me. And I like it even less you think close freinds are anything to me in terms of romantic. 


Those friend’s were there when I fucking needed them. When you destroyed me, and took everything away.


No fucking wonder I hurt. 


I can’t continue to be sad and hurt when you give me a little bit and then send a thousand knives into my back because you can’t have absolute control. 


If you want me home say so, have me there. But stop Using the carrot on the fishing rod to keep me in orbit. I’m not a fish. 


There is a reason there is a end date and there is an end game. I can’t keep doing this. Hot cold and Hurt. Often within hours of each other you.


I’ll honour you, I’ll keep my word. I’ll keep my promises. But I will walk away. 


I may love you, I definitely love him, but I value my peace and my mental health. I will walk away. And completely. 


I don’t know how much longer I can handle this Hurt anymore. I know for a fucking fact I never wanted it. And all I want to do is absorb even more of your pain and put it all on my back so you don’t hurt and you can heal.


But I’m not going to let you fucking Hurt me forever. I’m not that strong. And I’ve been strong longer than most humans would bother being with our situation. You’ve broken me multiple times and yet I still want to take on the burden of all of your and his pain so the two of you don’t suffer. 


But I can’t break my back for you forever. One day, my back will break. I can’t Hurt like this forever. 


One day, the Hurt will stop. one day I hope it stops hurting for you too. But I can’t be an open wound almost in your life either. All or nothing baby. Either we heal as a family or i walk away so you can find the true peace i currently have.


I can handle the Hurt, but I don’t want to handle the fact that my presence in your life hurts the two of you. I will walk away to keep you safe. I’ve done it before. I’ll do it agian.


I just want the Hurt to stop, and I know for you, it probaly never will. And there’s nothing I can do for you there.


So I’ll play the villain instead, so you can blame me for the Hurt. I’m sorry I hurt you today. I didn’t want to hurt the both of you more. 


You’re safest in my arms, and I wish I could give that to you. But not yet. And that’s something you need to work thru. I’m just not willing to hurt you anymore and be the source of any more pain. 


I never want you to hurt and I know it will never go away. I hurt too. 


But you know what, I may Hurt, and I may accidentally hurt you when you don’t listen… but I also keep my word about everything I promise you. 


And I’m sorry that existence is pain. I hate that it hurts and regardless if I’m in your life or not. It’s always gonna hurt. 


I wish i could take your hurt away and I know I can’t. 


“I will let you down
I will make you hurt” (quote)

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