30 huh.. this fucking sucks.

it's the big fucking 3-0 folks time to enter middle age.. have i mentioned that all my heros are posuers or dead?
morrision, joplin, cobain, hendrix and sid vicous i've fucking outlived them all... i have a right to be bitter with the nothinhgness that my life has accomplished... it's 2 am and i'm sitting alone in a cold house house deviod of any fucking emotion... burning red fire in my eyes... when i look at the duplicity of the one i thought i truly loved and her constant barrages of razor sharp knifes in my back.. it confirms something... nothing in this world is ever truly tangible... it all dies... it's just a slow burn some fucking times...

happy fucking birthday Nicholas, hope you're next one finds you in better spirits...

....or at the end of a noose.

current mood: if i told you i wanted to go to toronto and buy a gun, would you belive me?

current music: Coma White, Marilyn Manson

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

51.

Happy birthday. Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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