Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's amazing what a 24 hours can do to a person, I was fired up and pissed off yesterday and today i'm strangely content, it's funny how both work and my responsibilties to my son and dealing with my ex wife's nonsense seem to go to together when the waters get rough and not a lot is making sense, but when one needs a relief from the nonsense produced from the one who shall not be named it seems i can go to work and realize these kids need me just as much as my own does, if not more... and to be someone there caring for them can turn my day around the same way my son does, i need to focus on being around people that provide me with good energy and advoid conforntations with people i despise and/or hate.I had a good talk with my supervisior shortly before the end of my shift and it's not just me who's getting screwed, for as much as our relationship can be adversarial he's the first one to let me know when something isn't being done right, whether i'

nice to wake up hungover and a lot less angry today after having some serious anger and misbehavior last night, it's good to have freinds to diffuse the angry homicidal emotions i direct towards she who should not be named. now i can deal with the actual concerns rather than the fact that my stomach was a big ball of rage for most of the evening. It's about doing the right thing for my son not being Angry about things i can't change. Current mood: Annnoyed. It is a wise father that knows his own child.

nothing like having an awesome day with my son and losing all the good energy that he provided me courtesy of the most negative person in existence, nothing like being blamed for giving my child an Easter gift and being blamed for her fucking responsibility to take it out of her fucking car, Easter gift, means chocolate, are you a fucking idiot? sick of people and there lack of personal responsibility. I'm thinking about calling the lawyer over the fucking disaster of her car... if the car looks like what the fuck does your house look like? i know what the warning signs are you fucking dumb cunt? if my son is ever abused or neglected my size 11 motorcycle boot while being going to parts unknown, you looked like fucking hell and your car looked like shit, the worse part was my son's most expensive toy was lent to you last week and of course it looks like the fucking booklets are all over the place, only due to chance are you the fucking idiot i chose to raise my son, i cannot fu

Awesome weekend, we are watching alice in wonderland today at the library and enjoying ourselves, he likes going out all day and then he's tired and sleeps all night and is tired when he goes home, and no matter how miserable my life can get a few hours with him and my attitude changes completely around. Current Mood: Happy. While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about.

The frustration continues, at least i finally got my vacation pay so i can pay my rent. However i am feeling seriously used at the moment by a lot of people esp. at work, I am not fuffling my career goals anymore at my present employment and it is getting worse instead of better, at this point my constant need for a paycheque and my connection to my clients is the only thing keeping me there, interactions with certian staff are becoming almost robotic and rehearsed esp. when they are late with pay, i guess after a year i should be used to this nonsense but i am still frustrated. it doesn't help when someone i used to love is yapping about money and not focusing on the things that are important like little mans upbringing and educational needs.. but that's par for the course, nothing new with little miss jecykl and hyde, nice one moment nasty the next. as long as i make a diffrence in my son's life and in my clients i can leave this world fuffiled, i just wish the things in

feeling a little less of the world coming down upon me today, i have little man for the weekend tommorow, work tonight. Current mood: Happy.

There are days when i cannot see anything but the road in front of me, and there are no deviations or turns in the road ahead. i need to keep my spirits up but when most days of the week i am staring at blankness and boredom i need to find something else to do, when my goals in life have all turned to shit it's time to have some new goals and be happy about them. Current Mood: Apathetic By far the most dangerous foe we have to fight is apathy - indifference from whatever cause, not from a lack of knowledge, but from carelessness, from absorption in other pursuits, from a contempt bred of self satisfaction

It always surprises me when trust is a factor in my carrer that it is becoming a one way street, i am an afterthought when it comes to work, pays not in yet and i cannot continue to live like this hanging on to every fucking day until the paycheque comes in, it would be one thing if i had options or shifts coming out of my ass, but I need to pull out my firmly established roots and fuind something better to do, I am planning to fucking travel this summer and in a few weeks, if i'm not scheduled i'm going to windsor for a week and i'm gonna fuck off to toronto for a few days too, now that the nice weather is here ther eis no point in sitting around doing nothing all week waiting for that one shift just before i have my kid, i'm gonna make myself a little less availible, of course it seems like other options may present themselves soon so until then there is a good possibilty that i need to enjoy my life instead of being miserrable, because the only one making me miserabl

Fianlly beat the game about a week ago, bored out of my skull, going thru some serious videogame withdrawal seeing how that i no longer have a system at home to play with only portables, but you know what, the wii does belong to him and i have the psp for work, i just need to get some new games for the fucking thing. boredom is a curse, i should go outside and enjoy the weather, soon i may be trapped in another job that I hate but i do because of the golas i want to acheive in life, i applied for the Saint Catherines satanic army agian, feels like i'm selling my soul if they call and offer me a position but you know what it is worth it if it get's me closer to where i need to be in both career and personal life, sick of my dreams and goals turning to coal and then to dust. Current Mood: Bored. Current Music: Bloodline, Slayer. When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed

I am completely exhausted from this weekend, we had a lot of fun and just like the engergizer bunny's we kept going and going and going, the house was a mess but we got it organized before he went home, Mommy had to come get because of the stupid go transit bus driver but that's ok, it meant we got to go have frosty's instead, he's pretty happy to have his Wii at mommy's for a little while, something diffrent and it's a good behavior modification for her.. i actually think we are starting to come together on the same page on some things, it would be nice if i could get work in Niagara and see where that led to, as it is very clear to me I need to be a fixture in my son's life. Unfourtunalty that means that i will and am taking a more mercenary attitude at work esp. on saturday and sunday shifts.. i am sick of not making him my only priority. I care about the kids at work, but i've mentioned before how loyalty is a one way street and i am not sacrificing

Nothing like having my child fall asleep on my new couch, err, i mean his new couch, and kicking me out of his room for the night, covered in superheros, i had to sleep on my couch. i wasn't complaining tho as long as he's happy. his room is his room, tiring him out for his mother during exam season isn't a bad thing. i can't wait till he's a teen and he has his own exams to drive his mother nuts with. He's seriously doing the overkill thing with justice league thing but you know what a child could have worse role models. We had an Awesome weekend, and having a late dinner tonight. Current Mood: Happiness. The man who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself.

it's funny how i can explain ogham to my child in a movie theather when he asks what the strange viking letters on the screen are... i wonder how many othr parents are able to read much less understand the origins of ogham, funny to as i was going to post the norse rune for sucess (fehu) on here soon, more on that in another blog. He loved the movie and sat thru the whole thing. he was so well behaved. we are definltey getting this on dvd. for once i am sad we didn't get to see it on 3d. He is having an awesome weekend, he loves dragon and superheros and popcorn, you should have seen how much popcorn he ate.... I love him so much. Current Mood: Happiness Meddle not in the affairs of the dragon; for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

He's pretty happy today, first thing we did at fairview mall was pick him up a 3 pack of justice league superhero set.. so now he has cartoon supergirl, black green lantern John stewart and a blue and red version of captian atom, he's pretty happy about Captian atom, going on and on and on about captain atoms name being Nathaniel Adam, you'd think he was related to the superhero or something, it's cute to see something simple making him smile.. he's really excited to come to my house and have all his superheros and i am gonna send a few more home with his Wii, next game demanded to be bought, marvel allaince 2 with spiderman, i might buy it, see if he likes what the easter bunny brought him first. He's such a good kid, sometimes in my darkest of days all i need is him to turn things arounbd and realize that my life aint so bad, he's really the only thing that me and his mother need to keep us sane. the conversation we had today makes me finally think in tur

I am completely bored.....I need to get another job and have some leverage against my current employment, i have an interview in toronto in a few weeks, will have to see how that pans out.... Current mood: bored. Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

If one stares into the darkness how long does it take for the darkness to stare back and absorb itself into you. many things in this world aren't right and often the struggle to maintain the fight is tiring, this universe isn't big enough for pathetic nonsense, i would rather be alone and a rock than have to deal with the pedantic bullshit of people and their illusions and addictions... I do what i choose for myself... on my own terms. Current Mood: Insightful The man least dependent upon the morrow goes to meet the morrow most cheerfully

...but what we make... I am getting tired of having a lack of direction in my life....sitting around watching television and playing on my computer is not what i expected to be doing with my days in my mid 30's.... I really need to find something better to do... the insanity is creeping in and i am getting bored... when i get bored i can get violent and do things that involve bad decisions......somehow in all this stagnant life of mine i feel that i have let go of things that were important and worth fighting for, at least when i have something to argue about or fight for, i am energized and feel full of life, sometimes when you have have everything you want, you have nothing you need. Current Mood: lazy. We have produced a world of contented bodies and discontented minds

I have simply stopped giving a shit, there's is nothing out there anymore for me to aspire to, i might as well sit around and mire in my own misery, i need a break from this place, my responsibilities and my dreams, most of my goals are forgotten and i do not need to spend evenings being melancholy about something that never was, my feelings remain the same but can be so far buried that i have an ice cold exterior, dreams die, it's up to watch them as they do. Current mood: Apathetic Apathy is a sort of living oblivion.

Sometimes there are questions one should leave unanswered, even tho the passage of time does make one mire away miserable for the misery of the past, some treasure chests of knowledge just turn to make the unfortuante far more miserable than they had ever planned, I saw a darker version of myself today when i looked in the mirror, consumed with unanswered jealousy, rage and misery, sometimes I think it's best If everything is just left alone. Current Mood: Depressed. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.

Nothing like having a very old name pop up on facebook and piss me off, sounds like a tool, doesn't surprise me some of the answers i got, how the hell you would involve yourself with someone like that is beneath me, your choices in life aren't as surprising as i pretend them to be, maybe in a perfect world you wouldn't be so much of a slut, but then agian, i live in this world, and in this world, morals don't mean shit, or love, or faith, or happiness, i will always be glad, that it was you that taught me that, i can be cold and unaffected about everything now, just because of you, thank you. Current Mood: Sad. I believe whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you… stranger.

Sitting around doing abosultley nothing for another day because i'm sick and have the hugest fucking headache i have ever seen, at least i slept in my own bed last night, passed out at about 7 pm watching wrestling, maybe these binges and benders that last for weeks aren't healthy anymore, i think i need to find something else to occupy my time, drinking and smoking pot aren't helthy when i relize that's all i've been doing with my time off, no wonder my immune system took a big hit and i got sick, seem's like i go from Beer to beer and my veiw of the world is distorted.... maybe it's just delaying the pain or maybe i'm getting some kind of vision from nothing, I don't know. Currrent Mood: Still Sick. Parting is such sweet sorrow, dearest. Still, you can't say we didn't show you a good time. Enjoy yourself out there... in the asylum. Just don't forget -- if it ever gets too tough... there's always a place for you here.

I am bored out of my Skull and Sick, i am just sitting around doing nothing but watching TV, playing wii and downloading movies on my laptop, it's getting weird how my life has gotta so stagnant and yet I am completely at ease with it... i think i need to find some anger and find a cause agian. Find some new goals and some new adventures. Current Mood: Sick I knew it. I knew it was coming. But this is not the future my mother warned me about. And in this future, I don't know if we can win this war. This is John Connor

Some of the Answers are slowly revealing themselves and questions are slowly being answered, while I'm still frustrated by certian turns of events i'm starting to get a clearer picture of whats going on, it still doesn't make any sense to be, but like a good little voiceless grunt I just keep my mouth shut, come in to do my job and keep my mouth shut... at least it was a good morning and i left with a happy feeling and left the boys the same way. Current Mood: Tired When you put faith, hope and love together, you can raise positive kids in a negative world.

The scariest part of my current anger and apathy towards my employment is that once upon a time all i wanted to be was a simple night shift child and youth worker and all i wanted in my life is to make a diffrence in someone else's reality, and then i struggled for years to find a place in the square hole of the child welfare system where i fit as an employee and then I do and a year in, i relaize the dream is dead and because of the job i currently have i can feel the spark going out....I'm sick of looking and seeing the glass less than half full becuase of the choices i've made and the things I've sacrificed over the years.. like a mad captian Ahab chasing the impossible dream of capturing the whale.... I have become like Jonah swallowed by the whale........I am a part of it and the corruption now, Not a Solution. Current Mood: Depressed Reality can destroy the dream; why shouldn't the dream destroy reality?

I am getting really fucking sick of work, three shifts in two weeks and they forgot my vacation pay agian, I am getting really pissed off... i would be making more money on EI at this point and i am sick of the hypocrisy and the bullshit surrounding anything, This shit affects my life, my visitation with my son, and everything, I don't know how much longer I can continue to live on this razors edge, I've been with this mickey mouse organization for over a year, you'd think a little loyalty would be required, but in this feild i am finding loyalty is a one way street.... Given my upbringing this doesn't come as much of a surprise to me as it should, but it's still disheartening. Current Mood: Beyond Pissed Off. Beware of the fury of the patient man.

I think it's time to go home agian, i've been misbehaving on and off for the last few days because the weather sucks, but it's time to get my shit together and start doing the things i have planned and acting upon the goals i have set for myself rather than falling into old and bad behaviors..... there is only so much of it i can do before it beomes a problem. Current Mood: tired. A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

Another useless day of doing absolutley nothing, it's fun to just kick back and play video games and not have a care in the world.... i really should get up and do something but there is all the time in world for that, and i haven't really felt like myself this morning. Current Mood: tired

interesting day, job interview went well, but i think i might just use it as leverage at my current employer seeing how they would want unpaid sleep shifts which is fucking bs. but we will see... i feel really good today and this weekend wasn't always like that, it might be a depressing next few months but i think i can see a light at the end of tunnel and i think i may have a new job or be working two jobs by the summer..... possibly going to toronto to fuck around for a few days..... could be a nice change of pace in the middle of the week. Current Mood: Great!!! Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.

Waking up early and talking to my little one about the easter bunny: priceless Annoying my Ex-wife at the same time: even more priceless for some things money just can't buy for everything else there's Mastercard. Current Mood: Happy Just wanted to spring up to wish you a Happy Easter.

Sometimes it's nice to disapear into another world of inttoxication and uselssness, singing and dancing along to the sounds of my guitar in hess village, accomapined by a taste of something not quite sober, and yer enlightned where i can see the stars overhead. I had missed this,I need to get a band together or start seriously doing something with my poetry, for too long my artististic side has been held back and in the quest to be a more perfect person i have dulled the side of me that really makes me me, i don't want to look in the mirror and what happened to the me I used to be, he was fading away in a sea of confusion, but i found him. current mood: drunk 420. If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people from the limited ways in which they see and feel.

I am starting to grasp at the futility and the nonsense of the politics at work, it's very obvious whats going on and the cancer involded is coming directly from the top, and it's about money, not that i'm surprised but it's not given a great feeling of any kind of security or longeviety at the job, I am going to start making an effort to change my position ad am probaly goig to be casual or relief come summer with my current employment, i would probaly get more hours as relief elewhere so i am considering the fact that i should branch out and be looking for other emplyment elewhere, for too fucking long i have been complacent because i was happy, but sometimes you need more than just wish fufilment. Current Mood: Frustrated. Careful what you wish You may regret it Careful what you wish You just might get it

One of the most frustrating things about today is the fact that I just went Online and found a hundred or so overnight positions hiring for full time in my feild looking for a male, i should really be looking everyday for a job and not let someone else control my destiny, for too long I have allowed myself to be complacent and because i had gotta one or two of life's little wishes grated not wanted more, at this point I need to be wanting more, I need to be fuffiling my goals, not expecting them to eventually come around, When one wants change he makes it, and when it's obvious that change will not be forthcoming it's time to seriously think, do i need to make a change to affect the change i need? this is going to interesting next couple of months, i think i will have some leverage and i think i will be changing a few things when/If i go to.... Current mood: Determined. We must remember that one determined person can make a significant difference, and that a small group of

Definaltly hoping this interview next week turns out, aside from the usual 1 and a half of bullshit and nonsense today, a bunch of changes happened and all the politics were in full force today, I am getting really tired and depressed at my job and it is rather obvious that my replacement has been hired, it would be nice to laid off, at least with unemployment i might have a steady income and be able to budget my money week to week rather than not knowing exactly what i'm being paid and when, when i'm having trouble making the rent because oops, we forgot to pay for shifts and/or vacation pay when requested, it's very frustrating, I'm hoping this columbia thing turns out even part time so that way i have something to fall back on, but whatever take it as it comes, it's not like being given short notice that I have a weekend off affects me seeing my son or anything, fucking bullshit.... happens too often if you ask me. Current mood: Frustrated. To rid ourselves of ou

I know that I don't always live up to expectations and being that i haven't been around much lately, having the little one go thru my house like a hurricane and then i relxed for a few days away from home, I'm a little frustrated at myself for not cleaning up the apartment wwhile he was there, but sometimes i just want to maximine the time i have with him, i cleaned up the toys and the bedrooms last night and it only took me about 2 hours maybe 3, i need to be getting on top of my responisbilites more. Current Mood: Dark. Darkness is only driven out with light, not more darkness.