Know your enemy II

It always surprises me when trust is a factor in my carrer that it is becoming a one way street, i am an afterthought when it comes to work, pays not in yet and i cannot continue to live like this hanging on to every fucking day until the paycheque comes in, it would be one thing if i had options or shifts coming out of my ass, but I need to pull out my firmly established roots and fuind something better to do, I am planning to fucking travel this summer and in a few weeks, if i'm not scheduled i'm going to windsor for a week and i'm gonna fuck off to toronto for a few days too, now that the nice weather is here ther eis no point in sitting around doing nothing all week waiting for that one shift just before i have my kid, i'm gonna make myself a little less availible, of course it seems like other options may present themselves soon so until then there is a good possibilty that i need to enjoy my life instead of being miserrable, because the only one making me miserable is me. I was happier when i had less... it's the choices i make and the fact that i have some sort of misguided loyalty that allows me to volunteer for bullshit always on call... i'm gonna start being unavailuble... rather than sitting at home all day doing nothing but watching 300 channels, and nothings on.

Current Mood: Depressed.
Current Music: Know your enemy, Green Day
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

51.

Happy birthday. Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

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