Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

it's not going to be the same as last year but hopefully it's a happy memory for someone else anyways, at least i am hoping so... i think it's so mean that this is yet another year i won't be sharing this with my son, because it's obviously a chore for her and she detests the fact that me and him find it fun and i am willing to go the extra mile and dress up as one of his favorite things.... guess what, this year i'm doing it for another loved one to ease the sting.. and you can't stop me from doing it.... but when it comes to destroying my relationships not involving you, you can't.. they are and I am stronger than you... So i'm going to be happy and spend time with an oldest friend and take someone else trick or treating, but if i had my way, my little man would be making this trip with me. Current Mood: Sad. The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but rising every time we fall.

Today is one of those days where while there are a lot of things that bother me in this world, and there are indeed a lot of fucking assholes out there walking around on this planet, sometimes a little light can shine thru... maybe for a few days i can escape all the apathy and pain and depression and go have fun with the oldest friend, but it doesn't compare to having my little sidekick going with.. those two are little peas in a pod and I know when i get there that she is gonna to miss him and that sucks. Current Mood: Hopeful. For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.

It's not so much the waiting that does me in but the fact that day after endless day nothing seems to change and it seems like I am retreating every time just to keep exactly what I have. the world seems to me like a giant ashtray and i can't see past tommorow but I know I have been down before and One day i will be able to overcome this and i will remember it for what it was.. another challenge in a lifetime of challenges... this isn't one i created but it one i will defeat. i can only let her venom sting me as long as i want it to.. one day when this is all said and done their will be a reckoning and it will not come from me.... when i lose hope, when i stare into the void and think that I'm going to embrace the darkness, it pays to remember that. Current Mood: Angst. I feel as if I were a piece in a game of chess, when my opponent says of it: That piece cannot be moved

Another day and i still find my patience is being tested by the abject failure of nothing, I need to overcome this apathy and anger and turn it into something positive or i will end up staring very deep into the darkness and it will overwhelm me and i will turn cold and black hearted and it will affect everyone around me. I have to make sure that i never fall that dark and deep into depression that i lose focus of what's at stake and what needs to be done... No matter how much i'm hurting i know there is someone out there that is probably hurting a lot more... and that's not fucking fair to him. for his sake i have to be the strongest man i know, and you know something... whatever she does to me that doesn't kill me.. will make me stronger. Current Mood: Still depressed. Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.

There are days when I find it very hard to get up in the morning and force myself to feel anything.Today is one of those days, I know that i have shit to do and accomplish and all i want to do is sit around and accomplish nothing and stop giving a fuck about the world. I can't feel a goddamn thing but anger and hatred and while i know in my mind that these are not positive emotions i still feel them, and i am starting to hate and loathe everything. all i can do is focus on the upcoming battle and watch the days slowly move past as nothing fucking changes. I can't see a future because all the promise that i had s gone... it's time for me to mean, it's time for me to be viscous and unrelenting.. it's time to fucking serve her with the exact same degree of injustice she has served to me. my life is currently pointless and i can't feel a damn thing, yet she has done this to me purposely.... out of hate and revenge... i don't know what i ever did... but I do know

Thoughts are Done being collected and The time to start with offensive fucking actions is now. there is no reason for me to wallow in depression and pain all weekend long and just feel like the hurt is never going to end. I am stronger than this and I will survive. I know who and what I am and there is no reason for me to see the darkness. it's time to take everything that has been thrown at me over this year of hell and turn it back on the ones that have caused it. I have enough to say and i am good enough advocate for me and my child that it is time to prepare to do war. there has been a lot of saber rattling and a lot of intimidation, None of it coming from me... don't get me me wrong i know how to be intimidating, but it will be my actions and not my words that win this battle... as long as i hold my head up high and don't descend to your level I will eventually see the right outcome. it's sad that everything recently has more to do with your hate for me, and i susp

The End Begins, It's time for the games to fucking stop, for Once you do the unpredictable thing and get a lawyer but predictably you didn't bother with the other thing expected of you.. of course we are not surprised. There is/was a reason i was waiting till today to write the letter and Now I have a little more ammunition to use to prove who I am and what I'm not... It's going to be very interesting to watch you in court seeing how you make my stubbornness look agreeable... but it's not about you or I is it.. It never has been, i wonder how much you will cry fucking pauper this time around, even tho for the short term you have destroyed my fucking career, trust me I will be using my resources and my family and friends to prove the kind of man I am... and I am not what you are pretending me to be. It's not enough to take my education, or for me too wallow in poverty for 2+ years in Niagara.. Once i made something of myself in the world you decided you would tak

It's time for wastefulness of the tired tragedy of the last six months to end, i am in the process of writing the war manifesto and collecting my thoughts into one single cohesive weapon to be used against those who have wronged me and to prove exactly what is right and wrong in this world... it was nice to spend the weekend around family and it did help to lift my spirits but it also confirmed my resolve to have an ending, i can't wait any longer to regain my life, I can't sit by painlessly and pretend everything is alright in this world, with myself, with my son, within the system i work in, Once i am vindicated and my name is clear i will have some tough choices to make both personally and professionally... there are other options out there, maybe with the shock to the system the last six months has been it's time to analyze some of them and deal with them, i can't be frustrated constantly by the fact i went to school for a better life and that has in the short t

There is only so much patience i can have at this point and the fact that i am sitting down to thanksgiving dinner tonight minus one very important member of the family is very sad... this is the second major holiday and the entire summer of hell was a waste.. It's time to stop riding waves of apathy and pull myself up by the bootstraps, strap on some ammunition and go after these fucking assholes full tilt, I gotta quit thinking about doing something and actually do something.. the longer i wait the easier it will be for others to continue to destroy me... it's time for action. i'm sick of feeling all this painb when i should be happy, i've worked hard i deserve to be happy instead of having the same person constantly shoving the knife into my back each time picking a diffrent rib until she get's to the heart. Current Mood: Angry. You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.

I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for the end to come, it's time for me to take charge of my life and retake control.. I am starting to see a lot of people for exactly what they are and I am starting to figure out what is in my best interest... battle lines are drawn and I will fight this battle with my dying breath as hard as i can possibly battle.. but when a million questions are to be raised and it just makes my resolve against the system stronger it's time to make sure i'm not the only person listening. Current Mood: Angry. We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.

I am sick of playing Spy vs. Spy agianst what is essantantly an invisible enemy that does not care about me or my child, nothing is going to happen for 2 more weeks, so i am sitting around and brooding... in a perfect world this would still be 2002 and i would still be in Windsor and i would have left better off alone and never said goodbye, it would have left her wondering and the pain would still be there, but she wouldn't have had something to destroy me with and she could have died alone and a spinster all on her own... Why do people seek to pull other people down into their misery? isn't it better to be alone than to bring someone down to your level.. the only fact being is that a day will come, this will be remembered but i will rise above it and remeber, as i have been so recently reminded, This will always be a war. Current Mood: Depressed. A lie is a lie. Just because they write it down and call it history doesn't make it the truth. We live in a world where seeing

There comes a time in ones life when there is a place he can no longer stand to hide behind all the lies and half truths of the system, It is time for some changes to be happening and while it is currently both political and personal for me the longer i sit around and dwell on my experinces the darker it makes me.. i can only stay as angry as i am and play shadow games with the people for only so long... it's time for me to pretend like I give a damn and put some thing's into motion. it's time I fight back.. with laser precision. Current mood: Determined. We are all pretty bizarre, some people are just better at showing it.

I have always tried to use my darkness to fight other darkness's in the world and validate the fact that i may have a little evil in me, but most of me was inherently good, I am not so sure of that anymore. as i stare into the void once more i realize how easily my vices and old nasty habits could over take me.. the violent side i have taken years to fucking control and the person who desires revenge were once buried deep within me... with everything that has happened those emotions are no longer buried as deep. as i sit here brooding staring into dark masks of emotions surrounded by people i do not know i wonder, was it worthwhile to make any attachments in this life.. what have i brought my child into if his life is going to be as tragic and as flawed as mine... and i have no one to thank for that but you.. I hope at the end of the day your are satisfied with your minor victory and the damage it will cause. Current mood: Brooding. Current Music: Go To Hell, Megadeth In normal ti