Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I sit around tormented by my own demons and some of them are very real, very alive and both within me and without me... it saddens me when there are people and their demons in my life that i cannot control and the only true way to deal with any of them is to walk away, I have my own demons and issues within this fragile skull of mine to deal with, I have to focus on what's im[portant and not the lesser things as I have to be strong and destroy any doubts or failings of weakness inside my head, the days tick closer now, soon it will start to be judgement day, I have to prepare for the rest of what has become of my shattered life, some of the wheat on the chaff in my life will not like the decisions i make and they will not like where i go from here, but where I go is for my own purposes and it is for one reason only to make a better life for me and my child.... the only real question is how far down into the bowels of hell will i have to go before i reach my final destination... An

You Know i can sit around brooding and not accomplish anything or i can take action and focus everything on what needs to be done.. i know that I have someone in this world that hates me very much and i can't change that but i can change the things that she has affected to the best of my ability...It's not about her anyways. I feel that evaluation of my contacts and loved ones is a continual process and i understand that some of the people i have held close for years might as well be left on the side of the road until they figure their fucking own shit out. I don't have time to keep looking backwards.. it's the past that constantly stabs me in the fucking back and get's used agianst me.. i have to take the first step and focus forward... there's only one thing that matters, and that's the only thing i should be focusing on. Current Mood: Determined. Above all things, never be afraid. The enemy who forces you to retreat is himself afraid of you at that very

Sometimes it's nice to just disappear for a few days and be completely Unreachable on the internet because i don't have access to a computer, It allows to me to gather my thoughts and just hang out, plus i had more important things to get done... Sometimes being disconnected is a good thing so you think, breathe and feel the world around you...sitting on a computer being distracted by the fact that their are many things in your life that you cannot control is not always healthy... If anything going to a friends for a few days has recharged my batteries and allowed me to feel better instead of sitting at home Angrily Brooding about people who I have lost faith in... I know who has my back.. and who only pretends to. Current Mood: Determined. Do not underestimate the determination of a quiet man.

My darkest moments and places i never imagined would be ever be like this. I am starting to make serious decisions about who and what I am and Who i am going to be.. last week was a revelation especially in the fact that some people will never change and hanging onto hope that the world will change for the better is a pipe dream. It's time to focus only on what is ultimately important and not depress myself to the point of not moving for an entire day because I can't feel a thing, I've often said it's better to be feared than Loved, and this is true.. but it's also better to be driven and angry than depressed and powerless. there is nothing that can stop me in this world and the more and more things i have taken away in the equation the angrier and more driven I become.. however I am not the only one who needs to make change in their life.. it would be very easy to fall into familiar patterns and go back to a way of life i have divorced myself from for many years..

It's time for me to really stop not giving a fuck about things, I can't care or fucking feel about anything right now until this thing is over with, one of my closest friends i can't be around because i'm fucking poison to her? HI, you've already tore out the best parts of my heart and fucking soul... are you here to feed on the scraps now? there are days when I just feel like quitting, I don't know how much longer i can be this fucking strong... and it's even worse when something shitty happens right when i'm saying goodbye to her and her little girl.... I have my share of demons but why the fucking hell do they continue to chase me like a dog of Cerberus... I can't even find happiness for a few days and clear my head.... it's time for me to just accept my lot in life and fade away and not mean anything to anyone... Safer that way. Current Mood: Very Sad, Very Angry and Very Depressed. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into y

It's pretty cool I'm on my little visit and having a good time... the little man's cousin loves her little gifts and I'm glad that she does... hopefully next year both of them will spend part of Xmas together. it's nice to take these breaks from my stagnant normal life every once in a while because there is no point at sitting at home looking inward and self loathing, there is only so long that you can sit at home and brood about things that can't be changed overnight... at least a little bit of the light is seeping back into my life when i spend it away clearing my head.. and that beats the darkness... Current Mood: Content. How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and there will never be a time when it is not now.

The more i take action the more things start to unravel and i prove what i have been fucking saying all along... I will not back down and i will drag who i need to to the bowels of hell to get my life and family back... I don't have any more respect for the process but i am still enduring it to prove myself and to restore the little threads that are left of my sanity... I don't have any fucking time for anyone who is not standing beside me.. stand behind me or stand aside.. there is no other option.. it's time to destroy what needs to be destroyed and go on to the next stag of my life.. some things will be destroyed that should have been a long time ago and other things i have a scorched earth mentality to... there is no reason at the end of days for me to stay here in Hamilton... I was happy here but that time has long passed.... I have no loyalty to anyone that remains and even less to the person who i will drag to hell with me... it's never been about you, it will ne

Today there is a little light at the end of a cold dark tunnel and the fact that this has came makes things much easier to bear, Esp. when the fact is the dark person in the equation has not even bothered to pick up Christmas gifts that were left out of nothing but caring and heart for my boy...In a Surprise to Almost No One She Didn't bother... it takes a pretty selfish fucking person to not pick up Christmas gifts for a child... But that's OK.. it goes to the black hole inside her heart and her soulless character... it is and never was about her..I did right By my son and I will always continue to do so.. i'm not the selfish one... but i will continue to fight for him until my dying breath... how does it feel when the walls are closing in and your every action backfires on you? it's not about who i was yesterday it's not about who I am today.. it's about Action... and never backing down... ever. Current Mood: Angry and Determined. Failure is often that early m

I dislike the cold but it does match the nature currently of my frozen heart, I'm not much for feeling anything and every day currently is just going through the motions, their is a time and a place for action and that time is now but waiting on the bureaucratic is nonsense and I need to focus all my energies is positive areas lest i let my own inner turmoils and demons destroy me... All i can focus on right now is the void and on the rage and i'm not sure which path if chosen to follow will destroy me faster... i guess feeling nothing is preferable to feeling anything but I need to feel< i need to be driven and I need to be angry.... Nothing ever got done when i was complacent and I accepted that the world is the way it is supposed to be... we all make our own fucking destiny it's time i took mine by the hand and turned it into a weapon. Current Mood: Depressed, Angry. All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You

This is the time of year that I hate the most especially when i have no motivations to go out and do anything, I end up sitting at home all day and playing video games and hating the world, not much different from the winter's of 05 and 06 in terms of self loathing and angry hate for someone who has wounded me. I know i shouldn't internalize but there is only so long one can play call of duty or watch television without letting emotions boil to the surface, the fact that I am bouncing off of walls to keep myself sane isn't helping either, at least in Windsor and Niagara I was driven i had purpose, i could deal with a cold day shut off from the world, I need to get away, i need to go home.. the longer i delay it the longer that day won't come... but first I have things to do and accomplish here, but then i get a day like today where nothing gets accomplished and feel like the useless wreck someone else wants me to be... Current Mood: Depressed. If you stand up and be c

If I am going to be accused of being the fucking Anti-Christ maybe I should act like one. I shouldn't give a damn about making a difference in this world and go back to not giving a fuck about anyone and go live on the streets and pretend that in my life i am nothing and that I will never accomplish anything, It's too fucking bad that I know that I am better than that, and No one can affect me.. you can only twist the knife and cause me paid, you cannot destroy me, there are murderous hell's i will endure before I will let anyone destroy me. My sole existence on this planet at this moment is for one thing and one thing only and I am not going anywhere, you can hate me, I don't care...I don't care what people think of me.. Love me, fucking hate me, you will respect me.. there's only a select few who i truly care about and the list of those that i love unconditionally is even smaller... However he is always going to be the number one on the top of that list... Say

There is no More time to do anything but engage in a full frontal attack using all of my resources and get what is needed to win the victory. It's time to be single minded and determined and not let any of my distractions affect me. I'm sick of waiting.. It's a new year and the days are ticking by it seems even fucking faster than before... it's time to get on the offensive and stay on the offensive... the only person that can ever really defeat me.. is me. Current Mood: Determined. There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.

It is time to stop drowning in my demons of apathy and despair and pretending like someone else is going to help me make change of my current fucking situation and instead tackle the Bitch head on with all of her sycophantic accessories to the fucking crime...the more I learn the more ammunition i have to turn against her and destroy her credibility the way they have destroyed mine without a single ounce of fucking proof...Trust in other's is overrated... it's time to take care of myself and my cub... this is not done in any malice or need for revenge, he is my cub and it should be in the child's best interests not the mother's manipulation of facts that she can use against me... I wish i could be half as selfish but i'm not... If i have to destroy myself to make sure that child is OK, I will take you down with me... their is no other option but the option to fight, it's all I have ever known, and now because of your actions it's all that child is going to k