Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

This evening something happened that I was not expecting and it's bring me closer to absolute victory, I am have been honest and frank and I have been straightforward and that was reflected, I am the same fucking person i was in 2000 when I met you and I am the same fucking person yesterday that i will be tomorrow... nothing changes.. I know exactly who I am.. I may be sick of fighting battles but when i need to I fight till my dying breath when that's the amount of fight required.. this is a long battle and i will emerge from it forever changed as will he... but I will emerge from it and soon. Current Mood: Determined. Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting.

Let's establish a few things right now in terms of my fucking life.. I am responsible for only one other person In my life and it seems like am being drained away by concerns that are not mine and distracted by them, I need to analyze my options and start making plans to move forward.. if someone is crying the blues and can't find any kind of stability in her life and that conversely affects my life I am seriously considering moving on, there has been way to much bullshit in the last year to consider anything otherwise, because of her actions i was essitantly homeless last winter for December and at this fucking point i am debating whether or not i want to allow myself to be stuck in the predicament again... I care about the people around me but i have to look out for myself and my interests first, As i said Other than me, there is only One person I am responsible for... and at this point i have to do a long hard look in the mirror and at my surroundings and decide what the be

I am sitting around doing my own thing while other's questionable actions affect my life and I wonder how much of this fighting is worth it, and which decisions in my life need to made so I can very clearly protect those i care about, when i think the safest decision is to walk away even tho i do care about people in my life, I will not endanger them, even tho the risks were spelled out very early on in the decision making and i covered our asses legally, I'm not the one that has anything to fear.. the lives of innocents lie in the balance, and they've already taken everything precious from me... they will not do that to another, i don't care, that life of hell is not something i wish on anyone, my child, my nieces or nephew's or my friends children, i will fight and if i can't or am not allowed to fight i will walk away, i will not make another's lot in life worse just to make mine better. just because i am not ruled by my emotions and my fears doesn

I know who I am, I know who the man I am at my core, I know what my beliefs and ethics are and always have been, I know the bridge that has to be burned and what it has cost me emotionally to be this detached and letting the burning bricks fall where they may, but i am the ashes in that fire, reborn as i always have been in this life...you may have to kill me to keep me down but there's no gaurentee of that as long as i have a heartbeat i will stand and fight... even when the bones ache and the battle is too goddamn long... there is no choice, this is who I am, this is who i always have been, there's a fire inside me, every trial every tribulation, has brought me to this exact point in my life.. i am stronger for it... I can fight this battle, I can see it through to the logical conclusion, there is a reason for the light at the end of the tunnel... there always has been... but before the end of the day i will see you burn, and I will supply the gasoline.... this is only the be

I am in a better mood today after dealing with the skeleton's in the closet and I feel better that i am actually getting somewhere with it, little man was discussed and some of the heart of the matter and some of the truth is on display and it's is changing a perception, as i long as I continually to be the man i am in my heart and go forward without wavering or showing any doubt i'll be fine.. i was nice today to see a sympathetic side, even if i don't fully trust it but i know that part of that is a fear of professionals and a distrust of the authority represented, it was nice to see.. I didn't leave angry today that was a good sign. Current Mood: Postive. Hey, you, on the other side - let him go. Because for him I will cross over, and then you'll be sorry!

I feel that I am fucking 8 years old again having my brains picked apart in a rubber room with a two way mirror in front of me for things that I may or may not have did... it's not about finding the truth it's what the professionals think, and if the verdict has already been decided what was the fucking point of bothering with trying to clear my name and still be that person, there has always been a number of exit strategies, why the hell did i work so hard to be the person i am when someone who set out to destroy me has done a fucking admirable job...it's not about strength of character with these people or giving honest and accurate answers if i just kissed ass and been a nice person I'd have achieved the same result... it's all about one day Sept 9th 2000, it will always be about that fucking day, the day i should have left you there drunk in the fucking gutter instead of taking you home and falling in love with you, at least i can say of all the people in my lif