Amityville: The Return II

Let's establish a few things right now in terms of my fucking life.. I am responsible for only one other person In my life and it seems like am being drained away by concerns that are not mine and distracted by them, I need to analyze my options and start making plans to move forward.. if someone is crying the blues and can't find any kind of stability in her life and that conversely affects my life I am seriously considering moving on, there has been way to much bullshit in the last year to consider anything otherwise, because of her actions i was essitantly homeless last winter for December and at this fucking point i am debating whether or not i want to allow myself to be stuck in the predicament again... I care about the people around me but i have to look out for myself and my interests first, As i said Other than me, there is only One person I am responsible for... and at this point i have to do a long hard look in the mirror and at my surroundings and decide what the best course of action for me is...i can only deal with so much bullshit and putting other little people at risk because of poor decisions isn't part of the plan, neither is affecting my situation by the same brush of paint.. I am going to win, I won't be dragged down into someone Else's personal hell... it's bad enough i am affected by it.. I need stability in my life Not chaos, I am regretting at the current moment making the return to Windsor... where i would have been safe and secure and surrounded by friends... the battle would have been harder and the opportunities of the last year would not have become anything... but i would have been comfortable.. and happy. I'm not A Martyr For someone Else's bad Decisions, Only my Own. I take full responsibility for those.

Current Mood: Angst, Anger, Depression.
Life isn't stable. Stability is unnatural. The only stable society is the police state. You can have a free society or you can have a stable society. You can't have both. Take your choice. As for me, I'll choose a free, organic society over a rigid, artificial society any day.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog