I feel that I am fucking 8 years old again having my brains picked apart in a rubber room with a two way mirror in front of me for things that I may or may not have did... it's not about finding the truth it's what the professionals think, and if the verdict has already been decided what was the fucking point of bothering with trying to clear my name and still be that person, there has always been a number of exit strategies, why the hell did i work so hard to be the person i am when someone who set out to destroy me has done a fucking admirable job...it's not about strength of character with these people or giving honest and accurate answers if i just kissed ass and been a nice person I'd have achieved the same result... it's all about one day Sept 9th 2000, it will always be about that fucking day, the day i should have left you there drunk in the fucking gutter instead of taking you home and falling in love with you, at least i can say of all the people in my life you above all have taught me the value of hate.. every childhood experience i hated revisited on me in my 30's.. i have you and the so called professionals to fucking thank for that.. i am 8 years old again talking to a goddamn counselor having my brain picked apart... this isn't fair.. you know what i've been thru, you knew me heart and soul, there is and was no reason to subject me and my child to that, it isn't fucking fair.. you should have known better. I know what behaviors i am capable of, I know what Kind of man i am, I am sick of fighting but it is the only response left anymore.. as long as i draw breath i will fight, every day, every decision every movement, it's all part of bullshit chess game that you initiated, but before I am done.. i will end it... I'm just so sick of the battle, so sick of fighting, sick of having to constantly define myself and my decisions and actions... when the battle is all a man has left, how does that make him an empty shell... and as long as i have my child in my heart i will not be that empty shell just continuing the fight for the the express purpose of rage, it's about something better than that.. I have to be better than that, i can't let my emotions and my anger controlled by other's I have to be in control.. I have to be the man I am... otherwise she wins.
Current Mood: Scared.
Don't know how many times I've been crossed off the list and left for dead. So this. This ain't nothing new.
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