Skip to main content

Mindcrime 2013...

I feel that I am fucking 8 years old again having my brains picked apart in a rubber room with a two way mirror in front of me for things that I may or may not have did... it's not about finding the truth it's what the professionals think, and if the verdict has already been decided what was the fucking point of bothering with trying to clear my name and still be that person, there has always been a number of exit strategies, why the hell did i work so hard to be the person i am when someone who set out to destroy me has done a fucking admirable job...it's not about strength of character with these people or giving honest and accurate answers if i just kissed ass and been a nice person I'd have achieved the same result... it's all about one day Sept 9th 2000, it will always be about that fucking day, the day i should have left you there drunk in the fucking gutter instead of taking you home and falling in love with you, at least i can say of all the people in my life you above all have taught me the value of hate.. every childhood experience i hated revisited on me in my 30's.. i have you and the so called professionals to fucking thank for that.. i am 8 years old again talking to a goddamn counselor having my brain picked apart... this isn't fair.. you know what i've been thru, you knew me heart and soul, there is and was no reason to subject me and my child to that, it isn't fucking fair.. you should have known better. I know what behaviors i am capable of, I know what Kind of man i am, I am sick of fighting but it is the only response left anymore.. as long as i draw breath i will fight, every day, every decision every movement, it's all part of bullshit chess game that you initiated, but before I am done.. i will end it... I'm just so sick of the battle, so sick of fighting, sick of having to constantly define myself and my decisions and actions... when the battle is all a man has left, how does that make him an empty shell... and as long as i have my child in my heart i will not be that empty shell just continuing the fight for the the express purpose of rage, it's about something better than that.. I have to be better than that, i can't let my emotions and my anger controlled by other's I have to be in control.. I have to be the man I am... otherwise she wins.

Current Mood: Scared.
Don't know how many times I've been crossed off the list and left for dead. So this. This ain't nothing new.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number.  I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer
Post a Comment
Read more

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to.  I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone.  The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even.  I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of.  I’m not going to pretend to keep th
Post a Comment
Read more