Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Another useless day wasted, when i could have done something productive, however today was my own fault for fucking trusted the word of a supposed freind... how many fucking times will i let him stab in the back and be full of bullshit promises until i'm fucking done with it.. today burned a lot of bridges their, of all the people in my life he is one of the ones that is most aware that this is my fucking income... there's a reason i'm cold and distant around him, he's not the only one but agian with the reevaluation of my life and circumstances it's probaly time to figure out who is the wheat and who is the chaff... i'm getting too old for this shit.. i am frustrated as it is with this fucking thing currently and eating fucking money i don't have because of false promises just makes my attitude towards this shit that much worse. I have real fucking battles to fight... I Don't need false freinds bullshit. I don't need Idiots in my life anymore... an

Once agian I am losing patience with this shit, It's not about it being a hobby anymore... It's still a pain in the ass and i will not lose another apartment because of some retard who is fucking ignorant... i can apologize but it will not happen agian, this is a fucking job and my income and that's all this motherfucker is and when i don't paid what i am supposed to and deserve and get told that i'll get paid later on is like wtf am i sitting around just doing this shit, the rewards and the stress levels ain't the same and being told to take stock as payment once agian is fucking pathetic, I am not responsible to cover someone else's visa bill, I have my own fucking bill's. I'm also frustrated that my son's belongings that were entrusted to your care are still MIA.. and the fucking Money to replace them isn't coming in... i am half tempted to take all this shit to a competetior and just make some money and walk away, that's the world I

Time for things to change, Time to go on full attack and end this.... I can't wait anymore.. as weary I am of being a warrior and Fighting battles. this is what I am meant for I am a warrior, i am a soldier, there is nothin else for me to do except win the battle, that's who I am, while at times i do tire of being the Warrior, being the War machine, being the soldier, I know that at the end of the day the only thing that will happen because of my reluctance to never surrender and never retreat is only better things... it's never been about anything but him, it will never be about anything but him, it's time to move the chess peices forward.. it's time fucking end this. there is nothing else... every thing else is/was a distraction. Time to end the game. Check mate. Current Mood: Angry, Determined. War is dark. Black as pitch. It is not a God. It does not laugh or weep. It rewards neither skill nor daring. It is not a trial of souls, not the measure of wills. Even

Still not having a lot of fucking patience with the situation and the more i get bothered about money that doesn't exist yet is the more i start thinking about moving on from this clusterfuck. this fucking ass clown just doesn't get that part of the problem with the old place was the choice to choice to use my house for storage, and now he can't find fucking shit he moved to my house? one day i might just lock the door and make all of his shit disappear, just like the stuff of mine he took to his place apparently did.. i swear i like the money but I don't need half of the fucking stress, and it's completely frustrating that he just doesn't care about anything that doesn't belong to him, just money.. it seems like this is the type of person i attract, it's frustrating that i can find opportunities in my life but they always constantly turn into clusterfucks and end up affecting me personally. maybe it's time to go back to being angry and mean and not

I am Angry at a lot of people right now, and it feels fucking useless how little i can express my rage at the moment, certian people are very selfish and only about themselves and I am starting to see how little i care about the situation, My belongings and my child's belongings are not something that can be casually brushed away and left sitting in a garage, I am severely frustrated by the callousness of how that situation is being treated when i make this buisness a shit load of money and I put a lot of effort and time into it, being stressed to make more and more money when i have seen so very little of it recently has me considering leaving the gig altogether, I'm not here to faciliate some manchild's collection habits and have my apartment used for fucking storage, i need to see some monetary benefits or this partnership will be at it's end, it would help if he took the time and energy to look for my belongings but that seems to be beyond his fucking intelligence a

Another day left brooding and not seeing anything but the empty darkness of my life... but it is getting closer to the next step in my fucking life, i just have to retain the anger and the fire that fuels me until it's over.. I just fucking wish i didn't feel so fucking hollow, with everything i have sometimes i should be thankful but i see only the warm embrace of the darkness around me sometimes.. there are so many frustrating fucking things in my life, and every battle, every emotion, they are all weapons. Current Mood: Sad, Angry,Determined. Current Music: Bad Guy, Eminem. There is no pain greater than this; no the cut of a jagged-edged dagger nor the fire of a dragon's breath. Nothing burns in your heart like the emptiness of losing something, someone, before you truly have learned of its value. Often now I lift my cup in a futile toast, an apology to ears that cannot hear.

Another year, At least this time I am more focused than I have been, Stupid distractions weighing me down in the last year.. it has to be only about my goal, it has to be about him, without him i will always have angry dark red burning in my soul an emptiness that is as if something has been taken away, I am used to this war, it hasn't ended, not for almost ten years...what little happiness i can find right now has always been tainted because of something missing and it's time for that to be my only persuit, while i may have interesting things in my life, sometimes those things also cause me anger and annoyance, and sometimes people I should not be involved with get selfish and jealous, you'd think i'd be a better judge of character, I was a much angrier much better person when I held the world at bay and let my temper and my anger and my emotions control me... maybe it's time to go back to that... may i should just let the fire inside become the main part of me and