Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

You were sexy cupid for Halloween and I just wanted to be covered in blood. Our differences were superb to the point where, in reality, it was disturbing. I should be fucking trick or treating this year, but I am not. days like today hurt sometimes more than others because these are the little things that matter growing up to a little person, at least i have the one year i was Darth Daddy Vader and he was Adam West... which was pretty cool.. but on a night when the spirits are walking and talking on the earth, i wonder how much of a shade i have become in his life... i can always promise him next year but the battle isn't over yet... Days like today make it so much easier to keep fighting.... remebering that once upon a time we went out and had a great night being father and son and being the dark little misfits we are... Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: Helloween - Halloween I hate this night. I hate that it makes me a person so truly removed from the real me; this man who

To rise, first you must burn. I don't know what the next step is, Although their is one more fight left in me, I feel lost about everything else, I have every right to expect to go back to old life and try and pick up the broken and destroyed pieces but i am clinging to new behaviors that i built up to protect myself and I am afraid of going back to the person I used to be for the fear of being destroyed again, i am stronger than that but until he is back in my life and i am truly whole, i don't know where to go... all i know is that this fight is taking too fucking long, and the choices presented right now are both a good and bad thing because if it was up to me i would stay where I am and finish the fight and then leave myself options to start anew elsewhere instead of having an albatross of a long term commitment to this city of hell. I have spent almost 4 fucking years in Purgatory.. I am Unsure how much longer i can continue the fight and how much longer i want to stay s

The best fighter is never angry. At the Moment i am angry because of many reason's starting with the fact that I found out today that regardless of anything i've done or any victories this year... i will still miss christmas yet agian with my son because the stupid fucking lawyer delayed things till fucking january... that is unacceptable and will be dealt with shortly.. but as usual All i have is anger and the sad fact to fuckign remind me that another year, another birthday, another holiday with family has been taken away from me.. what the fuck is the point of fighting when it is a contuininual struggle just to fucking survive... ten plus fucking years of this shit.... and all i do is stand agianst her, like a fucking rock, never moving an inch, but never getting ahead and doing the great things i wanted to do with my life... i had dreams, i had plans, you attempted to stop them but you can't but before i can move on i need to deal with having him back by my side and

Your responsibility to be ready for the fight, never ends. You know regardless of anything else in my life, there is the fact that I don't back down and i won't leave a fight half finished.. I will see it thru to the end... i don't even know anything more but the battle and this war.. i don't know or understand how to stand down when the battle is half over and I can go back to a somewhat normal state of being.. my defense mechanism's are still in full effect and regardless of everything i think I'm still looking over my shoulder expecting another attack to destroy me.. even tho she stands on vapour trails the only way i will ever know peace is to see this thru to the end.. because there has to be an end.. someday. Three years of fighting, and what do i have? at least i've had some good experiences and oppurtuinities but it seems like i am trying to go back to someone i once was.. yet that person doesn't and has never existed, there has always only bee

One mark of a great soldier is that he fights on his own terms or fights not at all. One battle is over for the moment but i am still fighting a war, and that's not something that's likely to end in a hurry no matter how tired i am of fighting.. but in this life you get only so many defining moments and this is one of them, I have options and decisions to make to go toward the next step. i have to make some serious decisions about people i associate with and their placed in my life because of so many reasons, because when it comes down to it i have my support system and a bunch of people hanging on and draining me, I'll always remember who was their when i was at my darkest and who wasn't. I have some options Now that I didn't have before but I also still have bills to pay and things that need to be done. It's about finishing the battle... the next chess move is being held under wraps because I don't need games played before the final end game but for the

Everything comes to he who waits... and I have waited so very long for this moment. And another Ending to a very long part of my life is over, and as much as i hate the system and the way it works, this is a beginning and obviously there is still one final ending to come because one battle does not mean this is over.. but it does give me some peace and possibly some finality... i do expect that this isn't going to be the end of this because there is some loose ends to deal with, but the hell of the last three years and the fact that you have destroyed everything else that was important to me to destroy the relationship i have with my son, well as of today that's no longer something you have destroyed, 3 and a half years of anger, hate and depression were worth it, one thing i am very glad is that i never made a decision to leave the province, i have thought about it, but the reality is as long as i have the responsibility of being a father and he's here.. I'm here...