I am buried under this shit and i hate it.. i am trying to downsize and get rid of it all but it is very frustrating when one hand i am getting told to fuck off on going to a toy show and on the other hand things are going missing again, not sure who i want around in my life anymore... this toy thing was a necessary evil that isn't necessarily necessary anymore... this is the second time that because of this toy nonsense that things i have bought for my son have gone missing in a large dollar value amount... it's fucking pissing me off.. no wonder the last little while i haven't gotten any games i'd rather have digital and/or burnt games for my modded systems... it is making me very careful lately who i trust, and i am smothered by all this crap.. i may not be moving, the jury is still undecided on that but i do need to take all this crap and expunge it from my life.. i was happier when it was simpler time and i wasn't feeling the undertow weight of all this crap. at this point i am seriously thinking instead of collecting all this crap when the purge is done i will keep a few items for my son and a few other family members and i will keep the High end toys i have earned... but for the rest of this crap? it's in or going to the storage locker for a fucking reason and i want away from it, because it's simpler to have a few guitars and my music equipment around and a television and I'm happier. it's time to focus on that and the final battle, i need space for him in the bedroom because whether or not he's here that belongs to him.... plus i have responsibilities to get my shit together and fix my place so I'm not upsetting family to the point they can't stay if needed... i am sick of this.. 6 months ago i had a justifiable reason for all this crap.. the money was coming in... now it's just me being used, so let's use the space we fucking pay for.... I need my life back... my whole life is Chaos, always has been, but My house doesn't need to be... it's time to fix that, i was a different person when i had nothing, I was a better person and I was dealing with my issues and the world.. now I am just Angry all of the time and I can't see past this stupid toy nonsense and my real Life... it has become an obsession to replace my real goals in life... it's time to go back to whatever that person i was is, I remember being angry and miserable when I was working for the group home and being a father, but that was true rage and true injustice... this is just me being angry over little things.. I get pissed off because someone doesn't buy a freaking toy? how petty of a fucking man Am I when that affects me for more than a mini second... I worked for true justice in this world and I need to go back to being that individual and not care about what it costs to sacrifice for that goal, It's a Joke right now in my life that All i have is these fucking pieces of plastic crack... my child is too old to appreciate them and it's just an income to me.. but to be fucking honest, if i wanted to be salesman I'd have been one... I was made for something better than that, This blog along is proof of that, I have other skills... any idiot can sell crap for a living, i have real fucking talents i can write, I AM A CHILD AND YOUTH WORKER.... and that's the only goddamn thing I ever wanted to really be that was realistic, and the only goddamn good thing that I was ever good at.. it's time to fix the tattered pieces of what's left of my life and go back to doing that.. it's time to be me instead of this fucking shadow of a man who hides behind this face and sell's toys.. I was made for something better than this.. it's time to purge my life of some of it's darker and more corrosive elements and go back to being me.
Current Mood: tired, sad, angry.
Current Music: Eminem, So Far...
He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.
Edit: Just found out I got fucking screwed for another Show today, this is my income it's time to be completely fucking done with this... after Christmas I think this is a fucking dead end.. I am going to be fucking done with it... one show one paycheck I can forgive but two In a fucking row in consecutive weeks? this necessary evil is No longer necessary, I'm fucking done.
Comments