Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves. I am choosing not to upload the angry blog post i made yesteray for a reason, and i came home because it was the right decision, but i know that my mental health isnt the best around the holidays, so sometimes its just better to remove myself from the equation. for what the holidays were i did have fun and i had a good time hanging out with the little bit of sunshine...And i enjoyed seeing everyone open there gifts... esp the little one.. just wish my own son was there.. that's what would have made this christmas better, at least this year for once i have hope... maybe... Current Mood: Depressed Current Music: To Live is to die, Metallica Are you willing to stoop down and consider the needs and desires of little children; to remember the weaknesses and lonliness of people who are growing old; to stop asking how much your friends love y

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more! It's not about what is missing, and trust me there's a lot that is missing, more so than other years, but i have something i havent had in a few years and that is the hope that the next Christmas will not be like this one... i have that to look forward to and some answers along the way... i have had a blast with chewbacca and yoda and sunshines and uncle georges.. and the fact that we had a good conversation and we looked at pictures of his older cousin makes sure that he is not going to a complete stranger when i do get my little not so little boy home... i'm happy that today was a good day and that he liked his presents.. my son hasnt been forgotten, and i miss him terribly, but i can't say I'm completely miserable this christmas either, and i very well could be. Current Mood: Happy.

Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: The requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world -- No, YOU move. If i'm the fucking liar according to these hypocritical motherfuckers from niagara, what the fuck does it make the lying, cheating system manipulator from st. catherines, no way gets away with this, it's time for the next fucking step, it's time to make her really fucking fear me, and there is only one way to do that, and that is to affect her wallet. im fairly certian that she cares more about that at this point than she does our son, and if i have to affect her fu

I have more respect for a man who lets me know where he stands, even if he's wrong. Than the one who comes up like an angel and is nothing but a devil. I'm getting real sick of doing anything for people when the shit blows up in my face and I am made to feel like that my contributions mean absolutely fucking nothing. Sometimes it's better to be alone, with a brick wall put up to keep everyone out. I'm forty years old I know who I want and I don't want in my fucking life. I'm sick of games, I'm sick of friends ripping me off or fucking me over. I'm sick of the people I love constantly becoming more and more distant from me... But I'm also sick of sacrificing what little pieces of my soul that I have left for others... If you are not wanting me to be a part of you're life 100% don't bother thinking I'm going to be there for 5%, 25% or even half. It's just not worth it, people are either part of my life and take me as I am and all the

Some have said that war is Hell. War is not Hell... for in Hell, innocence is spared. It's time for the next evolution and the next step, whatever's that's going to be. But If I need to put pressure and give you a reason to fear me I will, and at this point I have that reason. I'm sick of the world I live and the choices I am fucking forced to make to survive, I deal with a lot if fucking regret because of choices that were never fucking mine. I should not be looking backwards agian at this point in my life, but that's on you, you have made the choice since day one of our sons life to destroy my life thru extension of his life and the fact you know me heart and soul that I would never walk away... Forget relationships, employment, any options that make me content, as long as there is a gaping wound in my chest of his absence I will never be complete, and you know and understand that, intimately. That being said anything that cones next, that's on you... I'

Rather than the strength it takes to not lose, it's the strength to stand back up after a loss that is sometimes more valuable. Are you fucking kidding me? Days after his thirteenth birthday you're playing ball? There's no reason to read anything into that. It's time to move forward, but I have my fucking reservations. You're timing is fucking suspect and I'm not surprised. It's just another move of the pawns in the fucking game. I don't trust it. I'm fed up with the wars and the battles. Everything is just another chess move, and any games played esp around Xmas are a sign of how truly pathetic that you are. It's all game to you and if you had any soul at all it would not have come to this. This is the final end game, and there are very few moves left in your arsenal to play. but of course you are going to attempt to play everyone of them... of course, i still have my trump cards to play, you might think youre unpredictable, but youre not..

Keeping it simple today, I no longer have a little boy to call my son, i have a teenager, it's time to celebrate every year of your life including this one... 13 years my little man, hows does it feel to be this big? i hope you are having a happy birthday and when it's all said and done there will always be gifts here for you for your birthday.... and family that misses you terribly, espically some old guy that will always be your dad, no matter what. Happy birthday son. Current Mood: Happy, Sad. Current Music: I Don't Know, Ozzy Osbourne How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.