I'm getting real sick of doing anything for people when the shit blows up in my face and I am made to feel like that my contributions mean absolutely fucking nothing. Sometimes it's better to be alone, with a brick wall put up to keep everyone out. I'm forty years old I know who I want and I don't want in my fucking life. I'm sick of games, I'm sick of friends ripping me off or fucking me over. I'm sick of the people I love constantly becoming more and more distant from me... But I'm also sick of sacrificing what little pieces of my soul that I have left for others... If you are not wanting me to be a part of you're life 100% don't bother thinking I'm going to be there for 5%, 25% or even half. It's just not worth it, people are either part of my life and take me as I am and all the drama that remains or they don't fucking bother and I will wash my hands of them. I don't have time to be a fairweather Freind, I have even less time and interest to be involved with those that don't fucking value me the way I value them. I'm done with delusional fucks who claim that it's not their problems. You know what, my life might be the shits, and all that I have is a pile of broken dreams and nothing, but the little things I have earned I earned, not on anyone else's back. I take care of myself and I don't need anyone else to fix me or be the one to take care of me.... At the end of the day I can say I did things alone... There is always a certain respect in that, regardless of how fuckin broken I am, the things I have accomplished, the person i am, whatever's left I have earned those things, me, myself, alone.
I give no quarter and have no patience to those tha need a partner to justify Themselves, that's not what's missing , thats not what makes me whole. That's an entire another matter, but I don't need anyone in my life or what they can contribute to it, I take care of myself. I don't need anyone's help. I define myself. It's not about friendships, it's not about relationships, it's about me. It's funny that anything anyone connected to my teenage years in hamilton is unreliable and any relationship or endeavours turn to shit. I need to go back to an attitude that I am not of this city and I left for a reason. All my past here has ever brought is frustration and pain. I need to not care about what people do or say in life... And anything connected to yesterday even in infinitely small amount needs be part of my yesterday, in the fucking rear view.
I'm sick of just surviving and dealing when I have absolutely nothing to give and people are still taking advantage. I need to be about me and not just surviving with coping mechanisms . There has to be something better than this, but I think I have to find it on my own. Anyone and anything in my back pages isn't useful. I've made enough sacrifices in my life, If I don't have to, I'm not making very many more. It's time to hold into things and take care of myself. Period.
I am through being used for someone else's agenda, it's nice that I can help and do things for others but at the end of the day I am left outside in the cold, alone... If that's the way, it's going to be fine. But it's time for me to withdraw, it's time for me to no longer give a flying fuck about others... There's always an expected stab in the back eventually, at every level, high school best Freind, girlfriends, employers. Eventually, you are disposable. When someone doesn't need me, I don't need them. I'm sick of fucking drama and games from people over minor things esp when I have fucking supported them for years and now I'm being cast aside after being bled fucking dry. No more of this shit, I'm fed up and I'm done. I have real issues in my life to deal with I don't need pathetic little drama in my life like this. I'm done. I have real world concerns.
It's fucking sad, people I was once very close to, are simply people that I used to fucking know now.... I've changed, they've changed, that's the price to pay for growing old I guess. I've developed an new attitude where it has to be about me and only me, the rest of the fucking world will let you down if you let them.... I'm done letting them.
Where some people see stars I only see rust, the fact that there is something I was invited to that had promise and I was willing to help with seems like a gold mine by having too many selfish fingers in the pot, I've been here before with the toys, when the money's good everyone's a little greedy, me however I just helped and wanted this for reasons of self respect and to help improve my chances elsewhere. I don't care about money or games or toys. I can get them on my own. It's sad to see a friendship that's lasted twentyfold years reduced to questions because those around are all trying to be the leader, at least one I understand, but I only want to help if I'm allowed, right now I'm feeling a little used by the entire process and it remains to be seen how it plays out. I'm not going to be heartbroken if it doesn't. I have other priorities in my life and games and political bullshit on day one have no place in them. I hope soon my attitude changes but it does show ones character when I already feel taken advantage of on a major level. Of course, I have no delusions of grandeur and I know how easily with opinions like the ones passed around something can fall and/or burn. I've watched it happen myself. Over and over agian. As long as I can play a part I will, but I hold no illusions about it anymore. It gave me hope and faith but as usual people show there true colours when something that's not supposed to be about money suddenly turns an unexpected profit. People get greedy and have fucking delusions of grandeur. Those that contribute don't get shit, and in the end if I'm not important, my times worth more perusing my efforts in life than wasting my time helping to persue someone else's. I've been here before, I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to play games of control with third party's and be a peon. I would be happy to be a minion as I brought nothing to the table except a little so far. But I'm not going to be walked in either. Much easier to walk away and wish them luck. Greed is a disease I want no part of, I'm already struggling to survive, I'm not going to sacrifice more of the little I have if it's not worthwhile for me to bother to do so. We will see but right now I'm not feeling great about the whole endeavour, not allowing myself to be used agian, I don't give a fuck who for.
I don't think I would have been as affected by it so much except for a trusted Freind gave his word about it and this time of the year I need the extra easy scratch, but I knew going in this was only going to be temporary and I think I've just been rendered obsolete earlier than planned. That's fine I'm used to being thrown away due to people's agendas. When there is money involved colour me not surprised. I don't work cheap for long and I refuse to be taken advantage of twice. I don't mind helping out but at the end if the day I'm only looking out for my well being and my agendas. I'm not going to care if I'm cut out of the loop early. At least I'm not investing a shitload of time and effort into it. It just stings a little that I've been used up and because of too many fingers in the pie seeing diamonds where there is only coal, I'm being passed by. I expected better from my friend. But if there's a fucking dollar to be made, loyalty and friendship ain't worth a whole hell of a lot, it seems. I just hate being thought of as an afterthought. I don't need this, it doesn't complete me, but it would have been a nice distraction. And I can't get over the feeling of being used just a little.
It does bother me that a year and a half later there is a little more respect from the toy people than from someone I have known for over 3 quarters of my life, I hated the toy thing for most of it but for all the assholes and thieves there were good people... At least they were upfront, I don't like playing games and worrying about someone's agenda like a fucking puppet on a string until he comes around. It just reminds me that next time, my effort needs to be worth something more. A handshake doesn't count for shit anymore, I need to remember that. More than that I need to take care of me and only me, and my agenda.
At this point you are on my side or agiasnst me, there is no middle ground... There is no fucking reason I should be at this point of my life playing freezing for dollars and worrying about money I don't have... I guess I should be used to peoples false promises... Next year will be diffrent, an isolationist attitude isn't a bad thing if its going to make my life simpler. I always knew at the end of this game that some friends and relationships would be casualties, its just surprising at this point whose not there...
Current Mood: Bitter, Angry
Current Music: Warrior without a War, Ensiferum
Why am I as I am? To understand that of any person, his whole life, from
Birth must be reviewed. All of our experiences fuse into our personality. Everything that ever happened to us is an ingredient.
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