Nothing in my life is ever easy. Nor would I want it that way. I'd rather fight out of every foxhole... And never ever fucking back down. There is a certain fucking freedom in nothing... And no attachments... I'm debating the next step in my life and I bought time to do it. But it's real easy to fade away and be forgotten. It's real easy to step into another life and be someone else with no fucking ties to who I am now.. To this place. Somewhere mentally I no longer want to fucking be. I'd rather be elsewhere than alone dwelling on my darkness in this shadowed place.
The fact that there is an option to return to somewhere elsewhere, a place from before all this... The fact that the only roots here are pyshical and will soon come under the wrath of the wrecking ball... Going home would make it full circle... Going home would be a clean fucking break... I left Windsor to be a father... If I return, it will mean I fought as hard as u could as long as I could... But it will be an end.. A signal of surrender...but it's a choice I have to make in the next two years... Do I stay here angry and miserable or do I go somewhere I can be slightly less miserable... And have people that have my back unconditional.
This is the first time in my life that I honestly do want to fade away... And I can't say that is a good thing. I'm always going to be there.. But I have put enough of my life and choices on hold... For far too long.. It's time for me to be me agian... It's time for me to get back to that. Too many chunks of my soul have been torn off... The ones that are left define me... So let's figure out how they do.
Current Mood: Angry.
First comes smiles, then lies. Last is gunfire.
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