Skip to main content

Never fade away

Some things don't rest easy, even when they're dead. Their bones cry out from the ground.

Nothing in my life is ever easy. Nor would I want it that way. I'd rather fight out of every foxhole... And never ever fucking back down. There is a certain fucking freedom in nothing... And no attachments... I'm debating the next step in my life and I bought time to do it. But it's real easy to fade away and be forgotten. It's real easy to step into another life and be someone else with no fucking ties to who I am now.. To this place. Somewhere mentally I no longer want to fucking be. I'd rather be elsewhere than alone dwelling on my darkness in this shadowed place.

The fact that there is an option to return to somewhere elsewhere, a place from before all this... The fact that the only roots here are pyshical and will soon come under the wrath of the wrecking ball... Going home would make it full circle... Going home would be a clean fucking break... I left Windsor to be a father... If I return, it will mean I fought as hard as u could as long as I could... But it will be an end.. A signal of surrender...but it's a choice I have to make in the next two years... Do I stay here angry and miserable or do I go somewhere I can be slightly less miserable... And have people that have my back unconditional.

This is the first time in my life that I honestly do want to fade away... And I can't say that is a good thing. I'm always going to be there.. But I have put enough of my life and choices on hold... For far too long.. It's time for me to be me agian... It's time for me to get back to that. Too many chunks of my soul have been torn off... The ones that are left define me... So let's figure out how they do.

Current Mood: Angry.

First comes smiles, then lies. Last is gunfire.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Laugh Track.

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Trees.

  I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about.  I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love.  Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love.  The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do.  And only one of us has it. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Return To The Abyss.

If anyone thinks they can take advantage of me and the people I care about, they are sadly mistaken. I walk away from people I love because of their bullshit. Someone who is merely there in my life? Yeah, I’m fucking out. I don’t need emotional vampires that suck me dry in my life. I will walk away from anything and everything at this point. I no longer give a damn about anything other than myself when it comes to your opinion.  This decision and many others have been a long fucking time coming and to be honest I’m better off doing my own thing alone and solo. Because it’s better off for all involved. There’s still a temper and there is still the old me hidden underneath this attempt at seeking peace. I’m not a nice guy, I’ve never claimed to be a nice guy. And I’m not keeping my fucking mouth shut.  No one fucking uses me, Period. And thats all I’ve felt I’ve been over the last few years. By a number of people in my professional life and my personal life. So maybe at this mom...
Post a Comment
Read more