Sometimes you have to do what is right even if your heart aches against it.
The hardest choices require the strongest wills.
I've lost. That much is clear. How much I have lost is still up to me. I'm done fighting, no more cops, no more courts, no more lawyers. But I am having a hard time making a decision when it would be just as easy to not make a subtle emergency contact so the lines of communication are open. I wonder how much anger and hate are between us that I am seriously doubting the fact that giving you emergency contact information is a good thing.there will be no other communication whatsoever. But I shouldn't have to fuckin fear the fact that I will always be here for him, that's all I have left to give, that's all I have left to choose. I should not be afraid to have a open line of communication should something happen... It's going to be a hard decision to make, one full of apprehension, but knowing myself, and knowing the actions I have and will always fuckin choose, there is only one outcome.. I know exactly what I will choose.. I just have to gather up the courage... The courage to fail even more... The courage to fall even further, but then again... There's not much more you can take away from me.. And this is something I have to do eventually, I do have responsibilities as a father.. At least for a little while longer. Enough has happened... I would not be able to live with myself if anything more was to. I'm done fighting, I'm done being part of his life as long as you hold the keys to the driver seat of his life.. But that time is ending.. I worry of the man he will become.. The man he is already becoming... Someone who I only know in memory. It has been eight years... I count every day that has been taken away in my head every night... And I still wonder why? But none of that matters anymore.. I will make a choice soon to either make contact or fade away from your lives forever... And I know which decision I can live with... And the one I cannot. I plan to be here in the morning to face myself in the fucking mirror. I know what I have to do. The question is when?
I know that one of us lives in the past... In a moment that is long gone... For a brief period of time when I couldn't move on, that person was me.. But I'm not the one living in that past now.. It was a reevaluation seeing the fact that there is a history shared publicly that is all about me.. I know who I am, what I represented, both then and now... And the fact you choose to fly my flag from 1994-2000 confuses the hell out of me.. Yes, it was a special moment. No I won't fade away. But I've evolved, I don't live in a moment idolizing a coward who took a shotgun to his melon when he had a child to take care of... It's been a long time since I've worn that jacket..it's been a long time since I've been the person that made those memories with you wearing that ratty old thing. It's a museum price now.. But we are no longer the twenty something's we were when this bullshit began. One of us has been forced by the other to grow up and make hard choices... Hard choices I've regretted.. Hard choices forced upon me by someone who refuses to grow up.. Who lives in a past denied to us both. On the eve on his adulthood.. I find you have not and will never change.. The door is open for communication, but it only swings one way... And I can just as easily slam it shut. I will make my decision one day or another on whether or not I choose to contact, based on the things that are truly fuckin important in both our lives.. But I'm no longer in the game.. The war is over. No more chess pieces, no more pawns. No more battles... This warrior is done with war. I'm just worried about what I left behind on the battlefield. And I will always carry that worry... That's what makes me a father, that's what makes me a man. I made my choice, I have to find a way to live with it... And all the consequences inherent. But I will never completely walk away as long as I draw breathe... There is a reason for the Yoshi tattoo.. There is a reason for everything I choose to do now to find myself inner peace. But I will always have turmoil and question my decisions... Every breath I ever take...
... But I refuse to celebrate faded glories... I refuse to live in the past... I move forward till I can no longer move.. And in my life.. I have moved mountains... I'm not done yet.. But I'm not looking in my rear view... Because other than for one bright moment that changed my life forever in 2003, there is nothing there. No reason to be nostalgic. I willingly fade into the darkness to protect those I love.. That does and does not include you... I'll always be here for you and my son as long as I need to be... But only if someone hurts either of you.. As far as any emotional attachment to you, it's Long gone, long dead... There's nothing left in my rib cage to offer you.. You tear a mans heart out for so long.. One day it just disintegrated. There is emotion and love, but none of it is for you, only for him. You have no idea the hell I suffered and what I have lost.. And I made those choices willingly hoping to spare more pain. No more ghosts, no more rattling of old chains and rusty old sabres.
Our moment was a Long time ago. Our moment is done.
You know where to find me, you've always known where to find me... For the moment I'll leave that decision in you're hands.
I might not be this close that much longer, I have options and decisions to make so I need to decide what I'm doing... It might be time to seriously go home to a place, where there is no fucking drama, no people that drag me down and others that love me... It's just difficult because I'm not entirely fucking sure that's the right decision either as there are others that can be affected. But I have time to make that decision and plenty of time to fucking reevaluate.. I feel so broken here. I've always been broken here. Maybe it's not a good place for my headspace to continue to longer around this graveyard with all these old ghosts lingering. Anywhere else I've been I've always been defined by the person I am. But fucking here.. I am and will always be defined by what has come before. I need to change that, I've had enough time here.. Within the next two years I will have made a decision. I will be gone. There's another factor for the fucking timing... You and I both know what that is. But I'm done. Time to go home, wherever the hell that's going to be.. All I know is that it's not fucking here. Never has been, never will be.
It's fitting that my childhood home is being demolished... Once it's gone my only true tie to this fucking city is gone. I'm sick of losers that hung off of me for years that I have suffered from because of their actions and words. My friends in Windsor and Toronto never caused me this fucking pain.. It was always the ties to fucking shitmilton. I was reminded that it's been thirty years of drama with one.. I've made a habit of never looking back because when I do it always ends in fucking tragedy.. Maybe that's fitting.. Maybe I do need a new fucking start.. Maybe chasing old dreams in a new fucking way because it's all I got left is the best fuckin option. I can't sit around and daydream and wish for something that isn't coming.. Unless I make it fucking happen.. And I usually Persue the things I want or need. Even to my eventual ruin.
Whatever comes next will be my decision.. Rightly or wrongly, I'll sleep well at night knowing I tried and failed... Better than not trying at all which would have been the logical thing.. But I think and fight with my heart.. Not with logic... And now it doesn't matter because I have both a broken heart and a broken mind.
Current Mood: Depressed.
CUrrent Music: Avenged Sevenfold - Nightmare
Steve Rogers: I keep telling people to move on. Some do. But not us. Not us...
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