I'm not sure the next step in my life... but i do know it's a new fucking year and some things are becoming apparent...first.. I do not look back ever... my past is my past and there is a lot of pain there but i don't fucking live there anymore nor do i intend to at any other point in my life.. theres no fucking point to dwell on fucking history.. I am moving forward with myself and those that choose to be around me hell or fucking highwater.. you dont want to be in my life, Don't be problem fucking solved. that was evident over the holidays and some of the ones that reopened that always open wound didn't even realize, it was just me being me miserable and myself...fucking newsflash, i had a blast and wasn't happy or miserable.. I do things.. I do them with or without people in my life... Christmas dinner was fucking fun, the speed metal concert was even more fun, I didn't need anyone to go with, i just randomly decided to go. I don't need someone beside me in my life and most of my life i haven't bothered because of education or responsibilities, I can do things alone and Epic and enjoy them just as much as being surrounded by freinds and fucking family.. it's just more fun when i have someone to do them with, but I don't need it. I take care of myself and I always will. and I will do the things that create fucking memories always.. I wanna live.. I'm not going to live an exsistance of sitting at home in front of the television doing nothing.. that's not how i was fucking made.. I'm an adventurer, everything i do, good or bad is a fucking adventure.. I'm going to move forward and do things... even if it costs me everything. I don't need anyone.. I may want.. but i dont fucking need anyone.. I'm going to do shit and I have fun and find myself in the things and in the dark places as long as I fucking live... always thought I was going to fade away by forty and be the car wreck i always predicted when i was young, so every fucking day now forward is a gift, I'm going to enjoy myself, I'm going to fucking Live.
It is a new year and a new decade I am reevaluating everyone and everything i have in my life and don't have in my life... First it's been 20 years... everything in Niagara is long Dead to me, there are only fucking ruins and memories.. I'm not looking back. Only one thing ties me to the area and that is a responsibility i will never fucking give up on as long as both He and I live.. and I better fucking go first.
Second, I don't have fucking time for fairweather freinds or family in my life.. either have my back and my loved ones back or don't bother being in it. If you call me youre freind don't fucking fuck me over in a moment of need because you might as fucking well forget that I exsist, because i will stare thru you in a crowded bar and not give a fuck that you are alive.. people that are just users I have no need of in my fucking life.. There's only stone left.. and i have no blood left to give.. I have nothing so what the fuck makes me think i will share it with you.
The little i have is for those i care about and that have my back.. the moment you are not those things youre not dead to me, you simply don't exsist.
I need to make some choices and decisions this year because standing still is no longer a fucking option. It's clear for my own mental health i can't stand still and let things be fucking status quo... i need to move on, there are no services and no fucking help here and i will be in the same cycle of nothingness i have been my entire life If i remain, I broke it once, And i did it on my own with no fucking help. I need to go back to that, But i know for many many fucking reasons that won't be here. I need to fucking move on, and set gasoline on every fucking bridge here and never look back this time. I've spent 20 years repeating the same shit over and over agian and losing everything that made me be.. it's time to go back to being mean, evil and heartless, and not letting anyone get in my fucking way... the minute i tried to care is the seeds of my eventual destruction. so it's time to go Dark, it's time to go back to that...
The World already hates me, It's time I fucking Hated the world back....
...Agian.
Current Mood: Depressed, Angry.. Happy Fucking New year...
A normal life is borin', but super stardom's close to post mortem
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