It's mercy, compassion and forgiveness I lack. Not rationality.
Anyone that is on the system and claims that they can't do poverty needs to check themselves and their fucking priorities. I have a good life and do well with the challenges I have been given. A lot of that is due to my support Circle and my resolve to fucking get things done. When one attempts to dismantle the relationships with the people I care about, maybe it's a good fucking thing that the relationship ended, because I am starting to see and feel with both eyes open and I know who I am. I know exactly who I am. I'm not changing for anyone. And I'm not changing my circle for anyone else either. Too many sacrifices, nothing ever given back. So you know what? Let's be old bitter and broken. That's where I am right now... But guess what? I'm here on my own two feet, chooser of my next step. Captain of my destiny. Not looking back, not this time.
There is a darker angrier place that I am in, it's a place I've always resided. Maybe if you had to deal with half the shit I've had to deal with in my life you'd realize why I am so angry, why I don't trust, you're just another chapter in a long book of mistrust. Everyone leaves, no one stays. You proved it.
I'm done fighting. The only person that matters at the end of the day is me. Maybe that's selfish and maybe that's in my own self interests. But at least I know I'm on the fucking level with no agenda.
I am starting to hate everyone on my life that seems to have an agenda, it's funny the one place I look that never had an agenda to begin with is the one place I don't know if I very want to go... I know I'm not happy here but opening Pandora's box is a questionable solution at best... But right now she's the only one not fucking with my mind or taking advantage in my life... It's an option. I'm just getting fed up with the limited options I currently fucking have. I don't need to be yelled at or abused or manipulated constantly and after the past year I am very aware of that fact on multiple
Levels.
At the end of the day the only agenda I have is me. That's way it should be, there's more out there but that's still part of my life, my blood. But I am sick of agendas and games to get to a point when I just get fed up and say fuck it all, because right now that's where I am in my life... And making sacrifices that aren't appreciated? Fuck that noise, I'll make them for the only one it's worthwhile to make it for.
Even if it means eating a lot of crow and a lot of anger.
I have a lot of decisions and changes to make in the next month, and I have no idea where I'm going from here. But I know I'm going somewhere. I'm just not sure of that place, I'll get there eventually.
I honestly do not want anyone in my fucking life that does not want to be there at this point involved with me on any fucking level. The world is hard enough with the assholes that do want me in their life, too many fucking games otherwise. Be on the level or begone.
The fact I have been completely ghosted by someone I once trusted with everything just fucking proves everything I ever needed to fucking know. Predictable. It would be harder for me if I cared. I do not. I knew this was coming a long time ago and I'm surprised the charade continued as long as it did. I have real life priorities to attend to, it's probably fucking time to deal with them rather than just trying to be someone or something I wasn't. I live my life and I'm happy, and I will continue to live my life and be happy. I don't need anyone beside me that doesn't want to be there. I need only myself. At least him I can trust.
This will be the last angry post as I am just numb, I'm going to move on like I always do because that's who I am. I have things and plans and it's time to get back to them, alone.
I am reevaluating everything and looking at what really matters, the last year has been fun and there are some good memories but, that's all they are now is memory. I need to focus on myself and the next step and figure out how and where to go from here, there are a lot of factors and a lot of hard decisions to be made. Not everyone is going to like them but then agian, not everyone likes me. I'm going to be stubborn and thick headed and do them my way anyways... Because that's who I am, that's who I am always going to be. Mr. Angry, Mr. Stubborn. I have only one life I'm going to live and enjoy it and never look back on anyone unless there is a good goddamn reason to. Right now I don't see any. Right now I'm just looking forward and caring about me. That seems to be everyone else's M.O. In this fucking black plague, I can do the same. I don't forgive or forget the negative moments either. I just move the fuck on and I tend to just forget people the same way they forget about me. I'm good with that. I'm good with being an excellent memory because win or lose, good or bad I'm not forgotten, we just move on. That's all I'm fucking doing... Moving on. The next adventure... The next choice... The next big thing... Whatever. I'll get there.
I have sacrificed everything I am before for a lot less, this time whatever happens I am making choices and doing things for me, for my family, for my true happiness. Anyone that once called themselves my friend or family or loved one can either accept that or fuck off. These are my choices and certain moments only come once or twice in a lifetime.
I make my own moments.
I know my fucking worth and those still taking advantage of what I have set out as normal during this black fucking plague are frustrating me as well, it's obvious that I will be reevaluating those relationships too. Esp. The major one, it does seem like I do a lot more than I should and at the end of the day I'm either hungry or feeling empty as a fucking result, that's not how it is supposed to be either, but whatever, guess I'll deal with till I make fucking changes. I'm sick of the world and the selfish aspects of a lot of motherfuckers that are nothing like me, here's the fucking difference, I was raised on nothing, I know how to survive on nothing, I've been on my own mentally and emotionally since early adolescence, physically I might still be here, but mentally if I check out of a friendship or whatever, all my body is doing is paying lip service to the fact that whatever it used to be is a fallen fucking husk and shell now. When I stop caring, it just ends. It takes a lot to get my respect back and certain dynamics will change after this fucking pandemic is over. I am changed, my world and my world view has changed, I view people and actions and the past a little differently now. The choices I'm going to make are for me, on my own.i don't care what anyone else thinks.
I keep my thoughts private and in my head a lot because some people can't handle the burden of me being a true asshole and calling things like I fucking see them, I don't hide my demons, I embrace them and play nice with them so in the long run anyone hiding behind there damage and closed doors because they can't deal with the fact I call it like is? Yeah, this applies to a lot of you.... Sorry if I face the world head on and never let it bring me down or Destroy me, there's a lot more out their that has already done that, but reality holds no illusions for me, I've already seen the worst humanity and reality has to offer... I have no fear of any of it anymore.
The truth is I don't need anyone. I can be happier all by myself but, I crave and want certain elements in my life and if I let you in you should feel fucking privileged because at this point I am closing the fucking door to all that,
Forever.
Don't worry about making me the bad guy, I am the villain of this story remember? And I am damn good at my job. The targets just change. I am damned and I am not a very nice guy, and when I cut you out of my life I am not the one that fucking bleeds. A lot of fucking people have made me feel a lot of fucking things in this lifetime... But only
One has ever made me feel poor... And it wasn't her. Reflect on that. I will.
All I know is everything I am and everything I have, good and bad, I earned myself. I scratched and crawled out of hell multiple times to be all that I am. I'm proud of that, you don't get to fucking judge me. I have a good life, and everything I have belongs to me... It's been fucking earned not fucking given to me. That's the reality and the difference between you and I. That's why I'm so angry, that's why I always will be. Because I earn things.
I'll earn that fucking throne I got waiting too. You have stared into the eyes of the abyss, and I gazed back.. And I have found you wanting. That's not what I want in a partner, that's not what I want in my life. You're darkness is fake, a sham, it's a cry out for attention, mine however is just a part of me, it's who I am, it's who I have become, you never even saw the darkest places because I protected you from them, well No More. You and I are done. My choices, as always, from now on are my own and my thoughts and emotions don't need to be guided or hooded any longer. And I despise the world and everyone in it except my little corner of it and circle. When you attack them you attack me, that's been weighing heavily on my mind as well... Why would
Anyone that claim to love me want to destroy all my social circle supports while not sacrificing anything? When have you ever had to sacrifice anything? And you fucking wonder why in this moment I've turned cold? You haven't seen anything yet, nuclear winter is coming, a casket of ancient winds will turn the world to ice... And I'll stand tall with my warm heart, one that no longer beats for you... True colours and intentions revealed. I'm not sure what the hell mine originally were, but I know originally they were pure... I'm not sure about yours, not anymore.
Everyone leaves, everyone drifts away, no one is here for the eternity. I'm use to it's expected, but maybe I need to examine that one option that is eternal, maybe I have to be alone, maybe I have to be the nocturnal me, the darkest fire I have ever been, anger and hate have defined me
For so long, I don't know any other path... But my life did not infect yours, your life affected mine, and I still would prefer everything in my life, all the darkened places, all the pain and suffering, to whatever the hell you're life is.
...because it will never be mine. I'm not that transparent. I wear my emotions and intentions on my sleeve and I'll bleed on a cross for what I believe in, but the moment you prove you're not worth it, I'm gone. That's the problem. There has only been one that has ever measured up. Me.
I had doubts since day one... But then agian, there's only one person I'll ever stay fucking loyal to completely in this lifetime. Myself. Knowing I'm better than this is only part of it. I can hold my head high in even my darkest places....
It's not an act, I am hard. But I am also honest and I am always on the fucking level. No illusions or games from me.
Current Mood: Numb.
Current Music: Cirice, Ghost.
You are cast out from the heavens to the ground
Blackened feathers falling down
You are cast out from the heavens to the ground
Blackened feathers falling down
You will wear your independence like a crown
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