This darkness and anger are a part of me. They go hand in hand and are a survival instinct. You wanted darkness, you get the the rage too. They darkest places I've been, the hell and nightmares I've seen... Yeah it's not a fucking act. It's who I am. Damaged, broken and defensive of me and mine. When you're in that bubble you're going to have my protection forever. But if you don't, I don't care... I've lived long enough to no longer give a shit when I'm betrayed, when it's a given it's going to happen in my life, I don't give a damn.
I don't need to dress the part of the darkened demon, I know it's exactly what I am, I just wear the costume in the appropriate weather to let everyone know it's a warning. I am a big scary motherfucker. Hulk just wants to be left alone. If people are afraid and intimidated it works better than being peaceful and looking freindly, when I want to be left the fuck alone.
I am looking for peace and light in a world of mine that has been filled with anger, hate and violence. I no longer wish to be that dark warrior, the cursed soldier, but it doesn't fucking matter, I know what I am. I was born to fight, I was made for pain. It doesn't matter what I want... It only matters what I am.
And what I am... Is dark and angry... And a warrior. That's my nature. I fight.
...even when there is no battle left.
You have clearly never been in my head, but I have to live there whether or not I like it or not... And most of the time I do not. That's why I live a life of self destruction, I approach life at full speed like there is nothing left, because for me there isn't. Everything I've ever known and cared for is damned and poisoned so, might as well Live my fucking life until it's done. Faster than hell, because I know I'll end up there eventually.
I don't fear my demons, I've made peace with them, more ways than one. But I do fear I'll become one of them, I always have.. That's why I live a life of distraction, because the other answer is destruction, and I am oh so very good at that one.
All those things that once seemed important, really weren't, the things that are, those are the ones that need to be focused on now. I just need to find my path back to that.
I have been surrounded by losers and drama my entire life, it's time to break away from that and go back to the one pure thing I've ever done. That's a revelation of the last few years... The darker the places I go, the one place that shines bright is always there in my back pages. No wonder there's a moment of nostalgia.
I embrace my darkness and the anger within. It keeps the world and I on a level playin field. There's a reason I'm still here and it's not just because of my belief that suicide is for cowards... It's because I do have that darkness and anger and resentment yet for a long time I wanted to change or fix the world and fix others... Now I just want
To fix myself and live at peace, but I will still scorch the earth to accomplish that I I have to.
I will always be a good person and do the right fucking thing, even for people that have and continue to take advantage of who the fuck I am. That's very clear. I am that person. But I can fade away, easily. Becoming a fucking ghost and a memory is one of my favorite fucking traits. I fade away. I walk away, I don't look back, I pretend that you never existed and move on with my life, that's who I am, the ghost.
Nothing quiets the demons in my head and when I find someone or something that does, it will eventually be shattered. There is only one priority in my life and it's the blood that bleeds as red as mine, some of the people just passing thru my life need to realize that. Anyone I have or still do make sacrifices for needs to fucking realize I do so at their peril. I can and will cut you off. You have no idea how much it frustrates doing the right thing and constantly getting fucked over or abused for it. The last six months for me mentally have been torture. There's a lot of fucking personal factors, but it proves even me doing the right thing leads to fucking ruin.
....and trust me I know the fucking cost... I've thought about that for far too long... I know what doing the right thing cost me. I will never make that fucking mistake again, Ever.
What I am right now is pissed off and betrayed, and there are very good reasons for that. There is a fucking reason I never let anyone get close, it's for their own protection. Not mine. I know who is real in my life and who isn't. This goddamn world in crisis has made that very clear. I don't have time for fakes. I'm depressed, I'm bitter, I'm cold and I'm fucking hurt... That's not a good place to be. It's not a safe place for anyone around me to be. Maybe this self isolation is a good thing because otherwise I'd be looking for some self destruction. I probably still am wanting self destruction, but I want it on a global scale. This is a new darkness. This is one without the promise of Dante's inferno. Abandon hope all ye that enter me.
I'm going to live my life until the fire is extinguished, with or without trusted friends or loved ones or partners beside me, because that's what I do... Run at the wall and dare the creator to destroy me... My life expectancy is long dead, I never expected forty, I am going to live at full speed and curse my maker until the day I meet him, bringing plenty of ammunition. I will always be a good person and do the right fucking thing, even for people that have and continue to take advantage of who the fuck I am. That's very clear. I am that person. But I can fade away, easily. Becoming a fucking ghost and a memory is one of my favorite fucking traits. I fade away. I walk away, I don't look back, I pretend that you never existed and move on with my life, that's who I am, the ghost.That's my last moment....
I think the worst of the betrayal is that even tho you chose someone else, someone I can do nothing but hate because the choice to be a good person took everything away from me, you still want to control and change me, and influence my decisions.
Wrong, no one fucking changes me. Many have tried. All have failed. Even myself. And I am goddamn lightning and chaos in a bottle... No one one controls me, not the fucking child welfare system, not corrections, not the educational system, not my mother, not a woman, not any woman, not even her. Esp. Not her. But I am anarchy I refuse to follow anyone to my own damnation. I'll get there just fine on my own. But I weigh the balance of someone words and emotions versus there actions, and have no regret when and if my actions cause a backlash of pain, because those are my choices, and if you already put the knife in my fucking back when I am once agian at my weakest... You deserve to fucking feel exactly as I do in this moment... Unemotional, unfeeling... But moving towards something else.
Now tho, I just don't care. I will never care.
Not until my end.
I always knew we'd go right back to status quo the moment it ended, affection, emotion, love... Friendship even, just words. Falsehoods. Expected.
I know the one thing I will never ever fucking feel in this life is trapped. Not now. Not ever agian. No one controls me. That's not just lip service to the fucking concept. I control my world. My world doesn't control me. My world ends with me, on a whim. I don't have time to be anyone's last chance back up plan or someone's option. Neither option sits well with me, I am no ones second choice. If it comes down to it, there is only one option, I'll choose me... And fuck the rest.
I stand on my own two feet or not at all, I don't want anyone else's support or charity, I won't go begging hat in hand when I need something, I will find a way. Alone. By myself. That's the way I'm built, that way I don't owe anyone anything. I stand alone or not at all. No one gets to own a piece of me ever. I hold no allegiances or ties to anyone save my blood ties... That's a bond that is unbroken.. But the rest of you, I don't give a damn if you live or die... Because when it comes to the crossroads, I know for a fucking fact that the exact same is true of you for me.
There is a moment I will truly go dark and stop caring, I thought I was long past that precipice, but somehow I'm not. However with the last year, I do fucking think that I am close. Very close.
To the place of no return.
Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: I have to let you go, Nightwish.
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