I died here. Twenty years ago. When everything that was singular about me left me, when two souls became one. We are broken and damaged and maybe that's why it never worked the way things are supposed to, but... We left pieces of each other within. Without them, without the other we will never be whole.
I know it's going to be a long road, and I know that I hold no illusions to it working out, in fact the odds are stacked against it, but I'm willing to try. You are my true home, you are my family. That's the only thing left to me that's is important in my life. Maybe this week I'll know where I stand, maybe I won't. I just know I've got to try and place the cards on the table, I've got one hand, I'm playing it, no illusions, no grand schemes, those are things for younger men, men with ambition. I just want my heart back. My true true heart. My true home. I don't know if it will happen. I expect to eventually just fade away and be forgotten agian. But I will make this moment count.
That's all I want is to make this moment count, even if it all it means is that I'm walking away agian... I'll do so at peace. No illusions, just with everything I have left to give laid bare. Cuz that's all I got.
I don't know what the future holds. Only that I want to give one last happy memory. That's it. Where we go from here is up to you.
I'm afraid of it just as much as you are. The days are getting longer and the years are getting shorter. I have to do this now before we completely run out of time. You don't know what the future holds.
Id rather take a chance on something I know once had a solid foundation than keep searching and being fucking forgotten. I'm sick of wandering. I know where my true home is, I had just forgotten for a little while.
Never agian.
I know that it's complicated and it's going to take a while. We aren't easy, we never have been. The fact the world is fucked right now doesn't help. For the first time in years I am worried about my family getting sick from this fucking pandemic, I haven't felt this way in almost a decade. I am afraid.
I am willing to wait, it's been twenty years, what's a few more? I just want a civil relationship and to know that you're safe. That's all that matters right now. Not stressing you out, not drama, not what ifs. Just us. Whatever us is anymore.
I don't know what's going to happen. Nothing makes sense anymore. But you are and have been the only constant in my life for so long, no matter where we have stood with or against each other. We should be standing against the world together. That's the way it should be, it's not the way it is. Not yet. We need to find ourselves agian.
I just want peace in my life. Not war, not tragedy. No more demons. I can't find that alone. Maybe I can somehow find it together. If not, at least I will always be there for you and try to protect you the best I can.
I don't know where we are headed or even if it's together. But I do know good and bad you've been a part of my life for twenty years. That's never going to change. I know we need time. I don't know if I want to be with anyone right now. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to be at peace with you, no more fighting, no more arguments. No more wars. You are the only true home I have ever known. The rest of my life I've went nomad, sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance... But the only time I ever put roots down and tried to stay in one place was with you and for you and our son. That's all I want now, to go home. My true home.
If the world wasn't complicated right now, maybe it would be simpler. Maybe it would have worked out. Maybe it still can.
One day we will figure it out, or he will. Maybe that day isn't today, as much as I wish it was.
There was love once.
Current Mood: Sad.
Current Music: David Bowie, Rock and Roll Suicide.
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