Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  Why do you continue to be a part of my life when all I feel that you are doing is toying with me when you need attention or are in pain? You know I constantly burn for you but making me feel it agian hurts like hell. I can’t stay up all night waiting on you’re calls based on a promise of a text anymore. I know why you use them, so you can hide behind the impersonalness of them, it just makes me feel so fucking disposable.... ....and I am disposable to no one, least of all you. Your words may say otherwise but you’re actions the last few years prove otherwise. I had walked away, i  was happy with my life, I had made peace with everything and now In the middle of the world still being in flames I don’t know how to fucking feel. Except I get the fucking feeling I am being toyed with. I am no ones playtoy. Maybe this is what you want me tearing myself up because of the way I feel for you, because I can’t fucking live without you, except there is this thing that slams down on me const

  I still can’t believe that 18 years after the first ring, when it got all kinds of complicated and went off the rails, we are in the exact same spot. It’s still complicated, and it’s not our relationship that went off the rails anymore. It was our lives.  We were always better together. Maybe we can get back to that, maybe we can’t. Let’s find out. We don’t owe it to anyone but ourselves to see what might happen. What should have happened then.  All I know is that I still care and worry about you everyday the same way I did then. That’s gotta mean something, no it’s gotta mean everything 

You made me fall in love with you all over again and I hate you for it. I hope that there is an eventual outcome, but right now there are times where I feel it was just another dirty trick. That’s not fair. I think the worst part is you gave  Me hope again for something I’d considered long dead. I don’t feel that way anymore and I know that you don’t either. We are just complicated. As usual. Nothing is simple with you.  I just wish I could trust you again the way I could in the fall. That meant a lot and then you broke it, maybe it will come back one day, maybe it won’t. Either way I’m fine with that part. It’s the rest of it I don’t  Like. The fact that my heart hurts for you in a way it hasn’t in a very long time, and this time it won’t go away. Not that it ever did, it was just easier to ignore the pain when we we’re angry. I’ll be honest, I am getting sick of you reaching out when you feel vulnerable for security. Just because I’m always going to be there doesn’t mean I always

I wasn't there when you needed me, so you aren't there when I need you. Guess we are even. The only ones truly affected are the ones that you have permanently taken away a relationship from. I do not know if I can ever forgive the last decade now. I was close. But then you're behavior and actions when it comes to our son show true colors. You and I both know my mind goes to the darkest places when its obvious that you don't care about me and my emotions. This just proves everything is about you, I don't nwed that in my life. No matter how much you sometimes claim to love me. When I needed you, you're a ghost.. I guess I deserved it, but fuck you none the less. I needed you but you're not here, you are never going to be there, that much remains obvious. It doesn't matter if I am fighting you or fighting for you. The moments I truly need you, you have never been there and you blame me for not being there for you, even though every step along that r

I feel truly alone in my life right now. My father is gone and my son is out of my reach. I am alone. There are no more battles to fight. Nothing left to win. I just want my father back. I just want my family whole. This is not where I thought I would be in my life right now. I was headed for a better place and now it seems like it is all falling apart. Everything has changed and the place I thought I might be headed to in the immediate future isn't important right now. I need time to process what is. Not forgotten pipe dreams that should have happened a long time ago. He was a good grandfather, he deserved the last decade with his grandson. Its going to take me a long time to get past that right now. I am hurting and I'm angry and I know what has been lost that can never be regained. The silence speaks volumes. I am not going to fight forever for something. I know what's important in my life but the fact that I am being ignored doesn't make me think positively.