Why do you continue to be a part of my life when all I feel that you are doing is toying with me when you need attention or are in pain? You know I constantly burn for you but making me feel it agian hurts like hell. I can’t stay up all night waiting on you’re calls based on a promise of a text anymore. I know why you use them, so you can hide behind the impersonalness of them, it just makes me feel so fucking disposable....
....and I am disposable to no one, least of all you. Your words may say otherwise but you’re actions the last few years prove otherwise. I had walked away, i was happy with my life, I had made peace with everything and now In the middle of the world still being in flames I don’t know how to fucking feel. Except I get the fucking feeling I am being toyed with. I am no ones playtoy.
Maybe this is what you want me tearing myself up because of the way I feel for you, because I can’t fucking live without you, except there is this thing that slams down on me constantly called reality, I’m used to missing you, you’re absense in my life at this point is a given. I don’t want to lose you but I don’t have any reservations about you staying either. I expect you to be gone when someone shinier comes along.
I told you I have nothing left to prove, but I’m not going to be used or made to feel like my attentions are undeserving. I can’t do these late nights waiting on you anymore. I’m not going to continue to endure the fucking misery.
You are the hardest person I have ever had the misfortune to love... and given I want you to be the last person with that distinction, it plays with my head a lot. Logically I should walk away. But emotionally, and in my heart, which usually controls most of my actions I will continue to play cat and mouse until Sylvester eats the canary.
The saddest part is you are the only thing tying me to the tangible world any more. Otherwise I would probably go off the grid and disappear agian, I wish I could find the courage to make it so you couldn’t find me agian. I liked it better when my heart didn’t hurt like this but I’ve let you back in so let the manipulation continue....
I wish I could say that I’m not used to this chess game, but I am. The only difference is the rules have changed in our eventual stalemate, and because of my actions I have the higher ground and the upper hand. Because I proved where I truly stand and how I truly feel and you are not willing to abandon that as easily as you have felt it was to abandon me before...
... because I don’t always just speak with my words with my promises, sometimes it’s about action. This time it is.
Doesn’t mean I always have to like it.
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