The Man Who Sold The World

You made me fall in love with you all over again and I hate you for it. I hope that there is an eventual outcome, but right now there are times where I feel it was just another dirty trick. That’s not fair.

I think the worst part is you gave Me hope again for something I’d considered long dead. I don’t feel that way anymore and I know that you don’t either. We are just complicated. As usual. Nothing is simple with you. I just wish I could trust you again the way I could in the fall. That meant a lot and then you broke it, maybe it will come back one day, maybe it won’t. Either way I’m fine with that part. It’s the rest of it I don’t Like. The fact that my heart hurts for you in a way it hasn’t in a very long time, and this time it won’t go away. Not that it ever did, it was just easier to ignore the pain when we we’re angry.

I’ll be honest, I am getting sick of you reaching out when you feel vulnerable for security. Just because I’m always going to be there doesn’t mean I always have to like that fact. ESPECIALLY when you know I’m going to get emotionally invested with little to no payoff to those emotions every fucking time. I deserve better. You know I do.

I don’t doubt that you know I am still in love with you. I think what you constantly doubt is if you are in love with me or if it’s just some fantasy of the best days of both our lives. It’s too bad that with you it’s everything or nothing and because there will always be someone that both of us love unconditionally between us, you need to make that decision. I understand that part. I just wish you didn’t pretend because I know emotions remain, I just don’t know how deeply you truly care or if I’m just a happy memory you like to revisit when you’re in pain.

I’m not going to beg to be a part of you’re life, I’m not built that way. But I will always fight to be in your life... I think that’s what you want me to do to. You and I have a bond it’s just complicated.... and the world and expectations got in the way.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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