I have made war upon her, but I have never been her enemy.
You don’t need me. You need to constantly play the victim and I am the ultimate bad guy in all you’re fantasies, except you’re reality is worse than that and you fucking well know it.
You don’t love me, you love the idea of me... you know I’m always going to be there and I’m always going to attempt to do the right thing no matter if I fucking like it or not... and I hate that you make me feel that way.
You’re childish delusional life leaves a bitter taste in my mouth it always has. Ten years on, I tried to stop caring but I couldn’t. Somewhere inside I still have emotions buried, but this last betrayal stings and reminds me for all you’re pretty words they are still bullshit,
I haven’t forgotten or forgiven what you took from us a decade ago, the lives and the worlds you destroyed. I just tried to make peace and attempt to forgive you for destroying me, I only succeeded in destroying myself more, because now on some level I need you again, I might even love you again. It should outweigh the anger and hatred that has been the hallmark of our last ten years, one almost year of communication does not erase all that. And it should not.
You made a conscious choice to destroy me, and now at the end of his childhood you realize you made a mistake, and while I have attempted to atone for the things I did do, the things that made us complicated... I’ll never forget the day you decided that my life was beneath yours and that you could destroy me without guilt.
No matter where we go from here there will always be that.
Don’t worry I understand it. Men are disposable in you’re life, and I am the most disposable person you have ever known, my fucking problem is I won’t go away. I’m stubborn like that. The two of you like it or hate it are my only reason for living, and while I may not want to fight with you anymore, I’ve never backed down from you either. Nor will I ever.
My life hasn’t been normal for a very long time. The little bit of normal I managed to have for a few years you shredded to bits. That’s on you. All I ever wanted was a normal, not complicated life with you. Not this fucking target on my back. The one you put there.
I’m sick of the fact you always take the easy way out even when I’m fucking trying. One day I’ll stop and you fuckin know it.
I lived an interesting life, and I regret none of it, but I regret the fact that none of that was done with you, and even more so the fact that you took away from me because it was convenient for you to eliminate me from you’re life my relationship with my son. Now you toy with the idea of the relationship resuming with me every so often, I consider it, but I can’t forget the pain and sadness you have caused, some of which can’t be taken away. You took something very special away from a man that meant the world to me, and that relationship can never be fixed.
I have forgiven you for me, that’s clear. But there are other things right now where the wound is too deep and too fresh, they can’t ever be fixed. That’s part of why I can’t emotionally deal with the things I’d like to offer to you. I remember it’s not just fucking me that you attacked, it’s not just me that you destroyed relationships with.
10 fucking years, I may have forgiven, I can never forget. I never will.
Ten years in a mental prison, you may not have succeeded in putting me in a box, but you might as well have. Don’t blame me for you’re bad choices and not being there the last decade, you made it so I couldn’t be there. I may not be in prison but mentally I have been for a decade. I need to come to peace with that. I can forgive, but I don’t know how to forget, the fact that I can’t trust you at all plays a big part in that. It always will.
We live in a very strange world right now, and the fact you continue to play emotional games about our little family during this fucking pandemic doesn’t fill me with anything but anger, I just wish it was enough to find the heart to hate you agian... but I made peace with all that a long time ago and I’ll fight to protect it, the same way I’m fighting to be with you... but soon that bullshit, that flight of fancy, it will fade...
You’re behaviour in the last few months when I needed you the way you needed me then says a lot and tells me almost everything I need to know... I wasn’t there for you, you can’t be there for me. I understand that. But it probably means that nothing will ever change between us no matter how much as we want it to. Things between us haven’t changed enough. At least now we talk, sometimes.
I don’t regret the war. But I’m glad it’s done and that we made peace. You still won and destroyed the last ten years of my life....
...but I’m glad I don’t hate you anymore... I just wish you’re actions then and now didn’t hurt me so fucking much.
It hurts so goddamn much and it seems like I’m just a passing interest to you instead of anything important. I wish these feelings never came back because I know I’m dependable to you, I’m a fucking possession to you, all I ever have been.
I can live with that, I had a hard time living with hating you....
I can forgive. I have forgiven. I will never fucking forget. And likely never fully trust you agian either. No matter where we fucking end up.
I also know, how matter my life might turn to shit, I’d never ask you for a damn thing. Never needed to. Never will.
It’s as simple as this, I should have been there when you needed me and I wasn’t... and now when there are moments I need you, I reach out and you’re not there for me, not only is it expected, it shows me that your words are just that words. It’s you’re actions that truly speak volumes.
...and yet you wonder why I say I can never trust you ever agian.
I don’t hate you anymore but the anger is returning, and you have only yourself to blame. Guilt tripping me about when in you’re darkest moments how I wasn’t there, yet when I have the same moments in my life and all I want is someone to reach out to talk to me??? I shouldn’t have to bother to get you’re attention right now, so I’m not bothering. The fact you’re not here agian. It speaks fucking volumes.
There are other things and people in my life just as important as you, if not more. You’re midnight mindgames that I once thought cute are now just a annoying distraction. This will lead back to anger. I can see that now.
You ruined all our lives and you continue to fucking blame me for it. Meanwhile all I try and do is the right thing for all of us... maybe what the right thing is what I did a few years ago and simply fade away, stop fighting you, stop trying to be part of you’re life. I’m clearly not wanted except as a toy to play mind games with.
I don’t go where I’m not wanted.
I needed you, and you’re not here. Not really... and that’s why the next chapter of my life will be exactly like the last ten years... I’ll move on and I’ll do it without you, just like every other time, status quo... despite my efforts to the contrary.
If you really loved me and wanted to be with me, you’d be here when I needed you and it wouldn’t just be lip service. I realize that now.
You aren’t the only important person in my life and I think you are starting to realize that now. I just think that you need to look at the last decade and the last twenty years and fucking realize the damage you’ve done to us all. I have stopped fighting you, I have even forgiven you, but the one thing neither of us can do is forget each other.
There has to be a reason for that.
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