Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I think part of the problem is that the war is over, but neither of us will concede the battle is lost to the other. All we have lost is time together and the only thing keeping us apart is foolish pride on both sides, as usual. There is nothing left To fight except ourselves, and I'm no longer willing to ever fight that battle again or against. There are other battles in my life to fight for those that Also, for once it isn't just you and me and fucking brick wall over my child. I have other loved ones too. I will fight for them just as hard and the hand that has always been a fist still knows how to hold a sword. I still know know everything I've ever learned about how to get help and justice for those that cannot completely take care of themselves.  This may not have been my fate, but it is where I am now I won't abandon anyone that never abandoned me in my fights and battles. Sometimes some things are more important than matters of the heart and pipe dreams of ret

You have me at a loss for words today. I don't feel angry at you anymore and I do honestly hope you're having a happy day and that you have found happiness in whatever the hell you and my son are doing. I just feel lost, and I don't know if it's because you're not talking to me or if it's because my life has me swimming in circles and I'm going Knowhere. At least when you're involved in my life I have goals, I have a focus, there might be somewhere my life is going. Without that I am set adrift. With you or against you I've always had purpose, now I don't know what I have. I am frustrated by the simple fact I had plans for today. I wanted to surprise you. I was going to do something beautiful and unexpected, and you would not have seen it coming. It would have been a beautiful moment, but you're actions made it just another lost opportunity. I was going to get a real nice hotel room for us but finances got in the way. I should have been buski

I'm getting real sick of the ongoing pity party. The fact that behaviours aren't changing and are getting worse isn't a good sign. I wouldn't tolerate this abuse from a fucking woman.    I am seriously reevaluating things here as much as I don't fucking want to. I have to think of my own mental health and no one is allowed to treat me like shit. I've cut people out of my life for less. It's time to think about that. There is a reality that I may be taking care of someone for the rest of his life thanks to his behaviours and apathy, and it may likely start to become an even bigger money pit that it has already become. I have a family out there that is more important than this shit. I am slowly mentally distancing myself from being involved here. I have to just to protect myself. The fact I am not appreciated for the things I do and that I am sacrificing my own mental health so that someone else can live comfortably is starting to piss me off. I don't know

I am sick of being empty. I am sick of everything falling away. I fought my battles. I shouldn't have it so that everything in my life is falling apart again... but that's the fucking constant in my life everything is always on the edge of collapse...  I have to be strong enough to endure but some fucking days the strength is no longer there. I will fight because that's all I've ever known, but some days it's so damn hard. Current Music: Bloodstained Cross, Arch Enemy.

There is no beauty in my life right now, there is nothing positive. I am losing everything that was important to me. I should be angry at the world and fate and cards that have been dealt but I'm not, I'm just sad and depressed and hurting. But I am going back to a place I haven't been in a long time. A place where the only thing that matters is survival. I am starting to withdraw from those that I love esp. the ones that don't realize the sacrifices I make for them affect me and my own sense of well-being and mental health. I've spent my entire life walking away, what's one more fallen friend, what's one more time on the lunatic merry go round... I shouldn't feel the way I do right now, I'm sick of the fact that priorities don't seem to be in order. I can forgive and sacrifice for only so long until it has to become about me. I can't do these undying days of not feeling well and stressed out while taking care of someone else. One day I will

There is a reason I race to my own oblivion, I have already destroyed my life by the one I chose to love... every moment I have left is a fucking gift, every scar within and without is a fucking memory, I live so I can fucking feel something... I live my life like a car crash, borrowed time, a quarter mile at a time... because that's what's left. That's all that's left. I either go fast or I go down. And I am never fucking going down.    Not in this lifetime.

I have always loved you, you destroyed me anyways. You took the brightest things in my life away. If loving you means being this empty, I'm fucking done with it. I don't need this kind of emptiness in my life. Not anymore. I hate that I love you, and that it won't go away. Trust me I have tried to move past. Nothing has ever taken. Nothing ever will. There are days I miss you more than most and there are days I almost forget you completely. I'm not going to be the one to pick up that phone and call, I've done my fucking part. I've tried. One of these days my heart and mind will be good with completely walking away, just not yet.... Because I read one of our old conversations and it all comes flooding black... I both love and hate that. I hate that I miss you as much as I do.