Return To Darkness.

There is no beauty in my life right now, there is nothing positive. I am losing everything that was important to me. I should be angry at the world and fate and cards that have been dealt but I'm not, I'm just sad and depressed and hurting. But I am going back to a place I haven't been in a long time. A place where the only thing that matters is survival. I am starting to withdraw from those that I love esp. the ones that don't realize the sacrifices I make for them affect me and my own sense of well-being and mental health. I've spent my entire life walking away, what's one more fallen friend, what's one more time on the lunatic merry go round... I shouldn't feel the way I do right now, I'm sick of the fact that priorities don't seem to be in order. I can forgive and sacrifice for only so long until it has to become about me. I can't do these undying days of not feeling well and stressed out while taking care of someone else. One day I will walk away, one day I will become the darkest heart you have ever known.

I know how to be cold... it's only a matter of time till I go back to that.... for both conferenced parties... I'm not going to keep giving pieces of my soul to be under appreciated and fucking used. I'm long done with that shit.

I don't like being a caged fucking animal, that has to end soon. I have options. But I feel like all I am doing right now is existing. That's not the way my life is supposed to fucking play out.

There is one thing I know for sure, no one else I will ever look back for. There is nothing in my history with any fucking meaning except for you and my son.

But I live in the reality of now, and while I am in a place that I hate, I have a reason to be here and stand with those that stood with me. They need me now. I remember that. They were there when I needed them.

You weren't.

It's time to be someone else and try to be who I need to be instead of pleasing you to an inevitability that will never fucking happen.

Current Mood: Miserable

Current Music: Anthrax/Public Enemy, Bring the Noise

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no lon...

Serpent's Kiss.

I pass in and out of peoples lives. sometimes i wonder why they come back. sometimes i wonder if the issue is me. i do grand things and i back up my plans and words and maybe sometimes thats too much for some. but all i have ever asked from those that i love is honesty. i don't care if things fall apart. all i need is the truth. I'm getting to the point i don't trust fucking anyone. and being betrayed by those that are at best fairweather fucking friends when im not exactly finacally fucking stable. there are reasons i keep my circle small and those i truly trust even closer. it takes a lot to be a part of my life and and i am seriously considering withdrawing from some of my social activities again because it seems like the last couple years they just turn to shit and all i am doing is losing money. i have stopped caring about a lot of people in the past and it can be real fuckin easy for me to walk away from agian. id rather work on the relationships both old and new th...

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