Return To Darkness.

There is no beauty in my life right now, there is nothing positive. I am losing everything that was important to me. I should be angry at the world and fate and cards that have been dealt but I'm not, I'm just sad and depressed and hurting. But I am going back to a place I haven't been in a long time. A place where the only thing that matters is survival. I am starting to withdraw from those that I love esp. the ones that don't realize the sacrifices I make for them affect me and my own sense of well-being and mental health. I've spent my entire life walking away, what's one more fallen friend, what's one more time on the lunatic merry go round... I shouldn't feel the way I do right now, I'm sick of the fact that priorities don't seem to be in order. I can forgive and sacrifice for only so long until it has to become about me. I can't do these undying days of not feeling well and stressed out while taking care of someone else. One day I will walk away, one day I will become the darkest heart you have ever known.

I know how to be cold... it's only a matter of time till I go back to that.... for both conferenced parties... I'm not going to keep giving pieces of my soul to be under appreciated and fucking used. I'm long done with that shit.

I don't like being a caged fucking animal, that has to end soon. I have options. But I feel like all I am doing right now is existing. That's not the way my life is supposed to fucking play out.

There is one thing I know for sure, no one else I will ever look back for. There is nothing in my history with any fucking meaning except for you and my son.

But I live in the reality of now, and while I am in a place that I hate, I have a reason to be here and stand with those that stood with me. They need me now. I remember that. They were there when I needed them.

You weren't.

It's time to be someone else and try to be who I need to be instead of pleasing you to an inevitability that will never fucking happen.

Current Mood: Miserable

Current Music: Anthrax/Public Enemy, Bring the Noise

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

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