There is no beauty in my life right now, there is nothing positive. I am losing everything that was important to me. I should be angry at the world and fate and cards that have been dealt but I'm not, I'm just sad and depressed and hurting. But I am going back to a place I haven't been in a long time. A place where the only thing that matters is survival. I am starting to withdraw from those that I love esp. the ones that don't realize the sacrifices I make for them affect me and my own sense of well-being and mental health. I've spent my entire life walking away, what's one more fallen friend, what's one more time on the lunatic merry go round... I shouldn't feel the way I do right now, I'm sick of the fact that priorities don't seem to be in order. I can forgive and sacrifice for only so long until it has to become about me. I can't do these undying days of not feeling well and stressed out while taking care of someone else. One day I will walk away, one day I will become the darkest heart you have ever known.
I know how to be cold... it's only a matter of time till I go back to that.... for both conferenced parties... I'm not going to keep giving pieces of my soul to be under appreciated and fucking used. I'm long done with that shit.
I don't like being a caged fucking animal, that has to end soon. I have options. But I feel like all I am doing right now is existing. That's not the way my life is supposed to fucking play out.
There is one thing I know for sure, no one else I will ever look back for. There is nothing in my history with any fucking meaning except for you and my son.
But I live in the reality of now, and while I am in a place that I hate, I have a reason to be here and stand with those that stood with me. They need me now. I remember that. They were there when I needed them.
You weren't.
It's time to be someone else and try to be who I need to be instead of pleasing you to an inevitability that will never fucking happen.
Current Mood: Miserable
Current Music: Anthrax/Public Enemy, Bring the Noise
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