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47


You have me at a loss for words today. I don't feel angry at you anymore and I do honestly hope you're having a happy day and that you have found happiness in whatever the hell you and my son are doing. I just feel lost, and I don't know if it's because you're not talking to me or if it's because my life has me swimming in circles and I'm going Knowhere. At least when you're involved in my life I have goals, I have a focus, there might be somewhere my life is going. Without that I am set adrift. With you or against you I've always had purpose, now I don't know what I have.


I am frustrated by the simple fact I had plans for today. I wanted to surprise you. I was going to do something beautiful and unexpected, and you would not have seen it coming. It would have been a beautiful moment, but you're actions made it just another lost opportunity.


I was going to get a real nice hotel room for us but finances got in the way. I should have been busking last night at our spot and finally called in the one time I was ever going to ask you to show up for me without a previous plan to do so. For 21 years I've known that trick would only ever work once. I got you a beautiful birthday gift that  I should have bought you on the first date, instead it's just another thing collecting dust. I should have done it anyways and made that call last night and tested you.


But it would have been worth it, win or lose. I was going to propose to you today.


Another lost opportunity, another thing for you to blame me for.


I do love you, that doesn't go away. I'm lost without you, that's part of it too. But I'm not going to chase forever. The ring is yours. But the moments are fading away that I can ask you what I need to. As long as I think you're happy I can live with that, but I don't think that you are. I just think you run away and avoid commitment because it means once something happens, everything changes. You're afraid of that. You're afraid of commitment. All I want is you to be happy.


I really wanted it to be with me. I really wanted to be on our corner last night surprising you.


I love you babe. Happy birthday.

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