Skip to main content

47


You have me at a loss for words today. I don't feel angry at you anymore and I do honestly hope you're having a happy day and that you have found happiness in whatever the hell you and my son are doing. I just feel lost, and I don't know if it's because you're not talking to me or if it's because my life has me swimming in circles and I'm going Knowhere. At least when you're involved in my life I have goals, I have a focus, there might be somewhere my life is going. Without that I am set adrift. With you or against you I've always had purpose, now I don't know what I have.


I am frustrated by the simple fact I had plans for today. I wanted to surprise you. I was going to do something beautiful and unexpected, and you would not have seen it coming. It would have been a beautiful moment, but you're actions made it just another lost opportunity.


I was going to get a real nice hotel room for us but finances got in the way. I should have been busking last night at our spot and finally called in the one time I was ever going to ask you to show up for me without a previous plan to do so. For 21 years I've known that trick would only ever work once. I got you a beautiful birthday gift that  I should have bought you on the first date, instead it's just another thing collecting dust. I should have done it anyways and made that call last night and tested you.


But it would have been worth it, win or lose. I was going to propose to you today.


Another lost opportunity, another thing for you to blame me for.


I do love you, that doesn't go away. I'm lost without you, that's part of it too. But I'm not going to chase forever. The ring is yours. But the moments are fading away that I can ask you what I need to. As long as I think you're happy I can live with that, but I don't think that you are. I just think you run away and avoid commitment because it means once something happens, everything changes. You're afraid of that. You're afraid of commitment. All I want is you to be happy.


I really wanted it to be with me. I really wanted to be on our corner last night surprising you.


I love you babe. Happy birthday.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me.  I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period. 
Post a Comment
Read more

The Threat.

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact.  You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family.  Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...
Post a Comment
Read more