Skip to main content

The Chess Game: Six Moves Ahead.


I don't know where we stand but I know anything I try to to do I need to be six moves ahead of you because otherwise you'll think you're in control. The secret is, when it comes to me, with one exception, you've never been in control.


It occurs to me at this moment we are at the exact sAme place we were at this time last year. With me angry and hurt and cross with you, yet still planning something stupidly huge that I will follow thru with. 


I don't know how to fail. I never did. I'm not about to stop now. I know what I want. What I want is you, what I want is my family back. Complete and whole. There's only one answer to that. You know what it is. You set the rules. I just changed the questions.


I can deal with the silence and the mindgames, I know you'll always come back. For what it's worth you and I are the only constants left in each other's life.  That was by you're choice and you're design.


Love you or hate you, at war, at peace or at silence, I'm always going to be here. I may not like it, and there are often times I don't like it or like you. But that doesn't matter because I've promised you and I've promised others to always be there for you. I honour my promises. Even when I hate the thought of it.


You destroyed my life and my other relationships on multiple occasions. Because there can't be anyone else other than you right? And still I forgive you, but let's not think I'm stupid or blind. I see every movement, the same way you do. And I have forced myself to think critically about every one and match you word for word, thought for thought action for action. Nothing in this world is a vacuum. I used to react with emotion and behaviour, impulsively. You still do. I think first. There is always more to the story.


For the last six months I have had to deal with more than you and I, and that's important too. But all you're constant actions prove is that it is all about you. Not our kid, not our extended family. Just me and you and me being the light at the end of the tunnel, the back up plan, the one who will always be there.


Wrong. I am the black hole that will suck all the light out. That's what you've made me. Just because I am inevitable, and things will eventually happen, it doesn't mean it's a positive for either one of us. It's why I have set rules. It's why there's a timetable. It's why I can and will walk away agian. Everything is just another movement on the board. It will be until the end. You're actions this year have proved that. Some things may get forgiven, some things can't. 


Or be forgotten.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else.  This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.
Post a Comment
Read more

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over.  All of our moments are over.  I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts.  I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...
Post a Comment
Read more