Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Baby my life doesn't reach to you And if you want love so Unconditional and real You gotta ride that black horse baby Through the depths of hell that I've been Follow me away yeah I will be the same Strongest one to name I don’t sweat you anymore… the simple fact I can walk by all of our homes and feel nothing anymore but nostalgic for a life that never really was, I can live with that. I appreciate that we are civil enough to exchange pleasantries but the reality is I’m not part of your life and you’re not a part of mine. That’s the status quo and there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m not falling down the rabbit hole with no resolution Alice.  But the fact I could offer coffee today is a consideration, I am glad I asked you. Our story isn’t over yet. However we both have other priorities and all I have left to give you is my word. But you have to fix you first same as I had to for myself before we fix each other. You’re not there yet. Maybe one day. But I don’t need you hurting a

When you've become the thing that scares, there's nothing to be scared of ever again. I’m not even pretending I’m not pissed off anymore by your choices. All I am is still here. I don’t know why I am and I don’t know why I have the resolve of atlas with the weight of the world you have placed upon my back.  I have not forgotten what this weekend represents. It just came early this year so maybe the blow is softened.  But like an annoying groundhog there you are to remind me. Newsflash babe,  you need me more in these moments of loneliness than I will ever need you.  Just Because you don’t want me dead anymore, does not mean i get to play living emotional crutch for you anymore. I have my own life, my own responsibilities and my own friends that I’ve made plans with. We have one moment left, I gave my word. I’m just undecided as to the when, I just know it’s not this fucking weekend. It’ll never be this weekend.  This holiday is when you took everything away. There are no apolog

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number.  I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

I’m happy. I get to have fun. That’s all i need in my life. I take care of my responsibilities and do things. I don’t need to sweat anyone in this world. I’ll either have my word and be there for you or i won’t give a fuck and do my own thing. Right now I’m pretty happy with doing my own thing. That’s where things stand. It’s going to take a lot to change that. I’m pretty happy and both emotionally and financially stable for the first time in my life. Why the hell would I chose to give all of that up? 

When and if I ever go down I hope that someone has half the patience and skill to take care of me the way I do right now for someone else. I am starting to feel taken for granted and being yelled at constantly isn’t helping that at all. This is not a relationship, I shouldn’t be being treated like this. The fact that as long as certain needs and wants are met. It doesn’t matter how I feel or how I am doing or if any of my plans or goals happen. Long as he’s fine in his selfish little world. I’m trying to be fucking supportive, I really am. But it’s starting to look like I need to start taking longer and longer breaks for myself before I burn out.  And make no mistake I am burning out. 

  This is who I am, this is where I stand in my life now. It’s not me against the world anymore. It’s me not giving a fuck about the world anymore. My priority is me. I’m getting too old for this shit and the mental mindgames of others that are barely in my fucking orbit. Those that are throwing out mindgames? Yeah I got no interest. Thank you next. I’ll be here. But I’m not being gaslit or paying my full attention to it. I’m busy. I have things to do. Not my problem.  My current living situation isn’t ideal and I have made a lot of sacrifices and changes to maintain it. Some are good, some are negative. However it is better than any of the alternatives out there. Here I know where I stand. I’m good with that.  I don't like bein' alone. I'm not good on my own. My head gets so loud. And shit doesn't make... Nothing syncs up. I start thinking about my thinking. And getting lost in the details of nothing. Nothing can pull me out of it.