The Unkillable Soldier

When you've become the thing that scares, there's nothing to be scared of ever again.

I’m not even pretending I’m not pissed off anymore by your choices. All I am is still here. I don’t know why I am and I don’t know why I have the resolve of atlas with the weight of the world you have placed upon my back.

I have not forgotten what this weekend represents. It just came early this year so maybe the blow is softened. But like an annoying groundhog there you are to remind me. Newsflash babe, you need me more in these moments of loneliness than I will ever need you.

Just Because you don’t want me dead anymore, does not mean i get to play living emotional crutch for you anymore. I have my own life, my own responsibilities and my own friends that I’ve made plans with.

We have one moment left, I gave my word. I’m just undecided as to the when, I just know it’s not this fucking weekend. It’ll never be this weekend.

This holiday is when you took everything away. There are no apologies. There is no complete forgiveness. It would be beneath you to say that you were sorry anyways, even tho both of us now know the real truth. But that’s not our albatross to bear is it?

It’s yours. I’m not the one that sacrificed my sons trust to protect someone else. You destroyed a man to gain an advantage, and it made me stronger. But I wonder how it has affected him.

I forgave you to make peace with myself a long time ago. But I have never forgotten and the wound that was Christmas is still fresh. So here I am letting you ruin another planned excursion with my closest friends.

Not this time, I’m celebrating the fact you never destroyed me, the fact that it’s been 13 damn years since you took everything from me, and I crawled back. Every fucking kilometre, every fucking mile. I’m still standing. It’s what you need but it’s not why I’m here anymore.

I’m here for him, regardless of emotion for you, the things in my head that would have killed a lesser man, like the man you knew, that boy no longer exists, you killed him dead, shotgun blast just like his hero on the back of a long forgotten airbrushed jacket….

… in his place is the warrior you forced me

To be. One that loves you desperately, but doesn’t trust you for a fucking second. You couldn’t kill me, so now I’m an endgame Long term plan.

Those aren’t my plans, not anymore. One more open door at a moment of my choosing and then that damn door slams shut….

Forever.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to. I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone. The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even. I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of. I’m not going to pretend to keep th

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