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The Unkillable Soldier



When you've become the thing that scares, there's nothing to be scared of ever again.


I’m not even pretending I’m not pissed off anymore by your choices. All I am is still here. I don’t know why I am and I don’t know why I have the resolve of atlas with the weight of the world you have placed upon my back. 


I have not forgotten what this weekend represents. It just came early this year so maybe the blow is softened.  But like an annoying groundhog there you are to remind me. Newsflash babe,  you need me more in these moments of loneliness than I will ever need you. 


Just Because you don’t want me dead anymore, does not mean i get to play living emotional crutch for you anymore. I have my own life, my own responsibilities and my own friends that I’ve made plans with.


We have one moment left, I gave my word. I’m just undecided as to the when, I just know it’s not this fucking weekend. It’ll never be this weekend. 


This holiday is when you took everything away. There are no apologies. There is no complete forgiveness. It would be beneath you to say that you were sorry anyways, even tho both of us now know the real truth. But that’s not our albatross to bear is it?


It’s yours. I’m not the one that sacrificed my sons trust to protect someone else.  You destroyed a man to gain an advantage, and it made me stronger. But I wonder how it has affected him.


I forgave you to make peace with myself a long time ago. But I have never forgotten and the wound that was Christmas is still fresh. So here I am letting you ruin another planned excursion with my closest friends. 


Not this time, I’m celebrating the fact you never destroyed me, the fact that it’s been 13 damn years since you took everything from me, and I crawled back. Every fucking kilometre, every fucking mile. I’m still standing. It’s what you need but it’s not why I’m here anymore. 


I’m here for him, regardless of emotion for you, the things in my head that would have killed a lesser man, like the man you knew, that boy no longer exists, you killed him dead, shotgun blast just like his hero on the back of a long forgotten airbrushed jacket….


… in his place is the warrior you forced me

To be. One that loves you desperately, but doesn’t trust you for a fucking second. You couldn’t kill me, so now I’m an endgame Long term plan. 


Those aren’t my plans, not anymore.  One more open door at a moment of my choosing and then that damn door slams shut….


Forever. 

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