Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

i am good with my life. i have no regrets. i refuse adventures sometimes in my life because i am busy having too many of them. i don't want for anything in my life, and i don't want anyone in my life that doesn't want to make a full time investment, Fuck off and go away, stay in orbit, whatever these things i do now. i do for me, i dont answer to anyone. i never have, but i dont have weight of the guilt of the all the responsibilities i used to have. ill still be there when needed but im free now. no strings on your puppet anymore. you make your choices, i make mine. i choose to live rather than wallow in remorse for everything i have lost.  i may make mistakes but things happen and i will never regret anything I do. esp when I'm having fun and be more of the person i used to be than i have in years. it feels damn good being me again. 

I dont know what to say or think today, just another year of you being gone and nothing has changed or gotten better between me and your daughter, i just keep trying to honour a promise i can never take back.  the fact is you and her and your grandson are always thought of today. and there is no anger and no conflict today every time. i think you'd appreciate that. at least one day a year maybe a few i am completely at peace with her. You are missed, always. i just wish we could have found that in your lifetime, maybe things would have been diffrent.

  You need to find and fix yourself before you are at the level of peace i am at. thats my first and only priority when it comes to whatever our relationship is. I've healed and come back from being broken. I am not the guy you came back to 5 years ago.   I am a lot closer to the boy that you knew 24 years ago. thats who you need to me to be. I'm always going to be here and an option but i need you healed and not responding to the world the way you do for us to be fixed.  i know the things i choose to give up waiting on an answer but there is still a timeline and a moment out there, I'm just waiting for you to be ready. its our moment, not mine and not yours and it cant be forced.  I don't know where things are headed but i liked talkig tonight and you maybe have you being honest for once. but i know that regardless at some point in the next year i will keep my word. i'm just looking for some more options for that. 

I like being big and bad. i like being intimidating to people. its like a suit of armor the same as my leather jacket is. people advoid me. Thats the perfect eay things should be. I like that people fear me. I'm both happy and sad that the people i intimidate and cause to fear me includes you, you've seen all sides of me and you have given yourself reasons to fear me. sadly while i understand i have never given you a damn reason to.  the same hand that could be a weapon is also the hand that protects. But thats a comfort reserved for only when you need it, never when i fuckin do. thats the rules of engangement, thats how it fucking works. never the protector, except when you need someone bigger and badder in your life than the scary people who you surround yourself with. It's good that I'm that person. at least finally for once, i know exactly where i stand. I moved on. you didn't. thats the saddest battle of our war. you destroyed the little bit of happiness i had

  I never imagined i would watch  you  destroy my life. now as yours seems to crumble i am nothing more than an impartial observer. thats is however your choice. I am here if i am needed but I amnot making any life changes without an absolute commiment.  I respect you as his mother, but every other emotion that involves you at this time requires some serious soul searching and the fact that these nightmares have returned and always focus on you, that should tell me everything when even my subconcious mind says to Run.  i just know that if I keep runing one day you wont come back no matter whatever your mindgame and plans are. im standing still, and im standing my ground. I'll give you no quarter on my opinion and the way i feel. but for now that door is open and I'm willing to listen. We will see how long that fucking lasts.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I might have been if things were different? It's one of my darkest fears: if you took the war out of me, would there be anything left? I chose and own every mistake i have ever made. My sister is right that I never should have returned to Hamilton. it has brought nothing but pain and ruin to my life. like the ghost town where i grew up, thats a reflection of the ruins of my life and accomplishments, All that skill is still in my head but what did returning here ever get me? sadness and destruction. By the one I once loved the most, sonetimes i still bear affection for her even. but i also value myself and I'll drink with the demons on my head over ever having here side in the argument. I'm reminded every day about what you took away. what did this city ever give me? a moment where i could just Rot away on disabilty because i need to be here for someone else. If i wasn't so fucking proud and on a fucking pedestal i'd have stayed

I don't Know the next step. and im not sure where I'm going with all the bravado promises that i always had planned now that the time for them to happen is ticking down. id like to follow thru but another former freind has put me in a place where I'm holding the bag agian. and unlike some regardless of when i give my word, i follow thru. The problem is that i have given my word to things that are important and things that were inportant. i need to make choices and define who i am and who i was in those moments.  the other issue is that the one i would like at my side for any of these events and decisions hasnt made her mind up and im not sure or comfortable with makijg my big play if there is just going to be mindgames. this shit affects my kid because I'm only going to ever ask once so I need to find the right moment even if I am refused. just so i can say I did it. i feel boxed into a corner and i dont know the next step. But i do not question being angry and a hardas

I do things to ignore the pain and pretend that for a moment i am normal and that the life i have now is the life i always shoukd have had, instead of a lifetime of strife and struggle.  but that wasnt my fate. it wasnt supposed to be. adversity and hardship made me strong so now when I am comfortable in my later life i can enjoy whats left on my table and the moments that i have left.  its nice to pretend i have a normal ife and i Do things like a regular member of society, but lets be realistic I'm flawed and damaged for reasons that have nothing to do with me. the only thing i decided to do is to look past all that and finally choose to Heal and have peace over hurting.  being angry and miserable and lashing out only brought more pain to my door. Id rather have peace and be surrorunded by those that respect me and have my respect.  I'm not broken anymore. some of the scars are healing. 

  One day none of this will matter. not the wars we fought, not the words that were said. just what we did and the memories we leave behind. its why even without him I'm making memories, so when i am gone he can sit there and say, hey my old man was a cool guy and i wish that i'dbeen there. this is what has been taken away. but im done not living because of someone else's selfish lifestyle. i was always an interesting person. i was always cool. i had a life before her. it just got put on hold when i became a dad and had to face responsibilities. Alone. I am not alone now. and im grateful for the people in my life and my adventures. I'm going to keep having them.  This is my true revenge. Im Happy. I'm going to stay that way and keep doing things that i never would have dreamed possible years ago.