Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I might have been if things were different? It's one of my darkest fears: if you took the war out of me, would there be anything left?
I chose and own every mistake i have ever made. My sister is right that I never should have returned to Hamilton. it has brought nothing but pain and ruin to my life. like the ghost town where i grew up, thats a reflection of the ruins of my life and accomplishments, All that skill is still in my head but what did returning here ever get me? sadness and destruction. By the one I once loved the most, sonetimes i still bear affection for her even. but i also value myself and I'll drink with the demons on my head over ever having here side in the argument. I'm reminded every day about what you took away.
what did this city ever give me? a moment where i could just Rot away on disabilty because i need to be here for someone else. If i wasn't so fucking proud and on a fucking pedestal i'd have stayed in Thorold and swallowed my pride and been on Disabilty a long fucking time ago. the world would have been a diffrent animal. my relationships may have taken a diffrent turn.
i know my relationship with this city is Toxic. its why i chose to leave every time that I did. If i didnt have a responsibilty I'm willing to die for, i wouldnt be here now. i can be misrable and get old and fat and rot away to nothing anywhere. staying here is a choice. one i do not regret. but one i do not fucking enjoy either.
i have options, He does not. I know how that Story ends if I'm not here. I am happy and we do things. Thats how things work. i have my moments of escape, but i have made my choices and where i fucking stand in my world. If this is the rest of my life so be it. it's not the worst ending it could have ever been.
I am at peace, I am a soldier that no longer has a war to fight, It is a peace but it is a fragile one. I would prefer to fight anything anyone to give my life purpose. but all that ever fucking did was drag my life down. Ill take the silence of this fragile Peace if it means that i never have to go to war agian. but it means my sword is down, not broken, and i've lived long enough to not see myself impaled on it.
I was never going to fall down on my sword and just die and fade away and cease to be a problem in your life or his. now I'm just a ghost of a presense because you wont let me fade away. It's been five years since i made my peace with walking away forever. had i chose any other geographical point than that i one I choose to continue to stay in you wouldn't be a factor. but I chose to stay here. to be close, its what is unsaid but it is what you wanted.
i should faded from all memory and existance when it comes to you and him, its what you thought you always wanted.
guess when the world forces you to grow up and admit reality that the rose coloured glasses get smashed to the ground. you need the idea and concept of me, more than i have ever physically, emotionally or finacally ever needed you. but thats the issue, its just an Idea... and Ideas are bulletproof.
The reality is that I didn't live up to your expectations then, and somehow despite all my trying and willingness to sacrifice now, it will end the same fucking way now. because of all the choices you made, Only one of us is miserable and broken. that person isn't me. The chains the bound you i left long before. That was always my choice, I didn't want your fake plastic world and your couldn't live in my reality.
but heres the thing, plastic Melts. fairytales are just myth and illusion. i would take the rock hard slap of reality than to come home and Pretend.
There is a reality i should have stayed in thorold and accepted disabilty back then and possibly i would have had a different life and we would be in a different place now, but there is also another reality where i should have stayed in windsor and finished out my hopes and dreams instead of self destructing to be something that i thought and still think is more important. one day soon maybe ill go back. im just trying to put the puzzle peices back together on that.
Comments