Skip to main content

My Plague.

I don't Know the next step. and im not sure where I'm going with all the bravado promises that i always had planned now that the time for them to happen is ticking down. id like to follow thru but another former freind has put me in a place where I'm holding the bag agian. and unlike some regardless of when i give my word, i follow thru. The problem is that i have given my word to things that are important and things that were inportant. i need to make choices and define who i am and who i was in those moments. 


the other issue is that the one i would like at my side for any of these events and decisions hasnt made her mind up and im not sure or comfortable with makijg my big play if there is just going to be mindgames. this shit affects my kid because I'm only going to ever ask once so I need to find the right moment even if I am refused. just so i can say I did it. i feel boxed into a corner and i dont know the next step. But i do not question being angry and a hardass until trust and respect is reearned. thats where i have to be.


the only respect you get without question is for being his mother, youll always have that. but as far as being a partner, a lover, my girlfreind, my wife, those things are an illusion, thats a fairytale, there is no trust, there is no respect between us, just an emptiness that no one thats ever been in my life has been able to fill. and while there is emotions and somedays maybe even love, there is also logic.


I am in  happy place in my life and finacally secure and not transient. That was always part of the problem. we couldnt settle down and i didn't fucking want to yet. Later when I could have wanted to, youre actions made it so that i never settled down. I dance and dream in the illusion and fairytale of what could have been too. the diffrence is i live in the reality. i have always shouldered that for you. 


i just live my life. if things change cool. if things do not im good with however they go. one day questions may be asked. one day questions may be answered. But thats not a facet of our relationship anymore. period. thats his decision. my only role in your life is to choose to listen when i want to. you dont always make it easy to make that decision. 


I may have loved you, but that was a long time ago. I may still love you, somewhere down below at my core. But i will never give you the benefit of that victory first. It's still chess between a pair of mental midgets because neither of us wants to let ourselves cave into emotions because that means the other would win. and the battle would be over.


Except the battle ended years ago, whatever this is now is by your choice. i don't contact you first and I'm not going out of my way to be there for you. I'm njst here. silently waiting. Sometimes. 


I'm good all alone, its going to take a fuckton of trust and respect to change that. even if i wanted it changed for my own selfish reasons before that. thats not who I am, at you're core its not who you are either. both of us are too stubborn to let the other win a dead and cold war.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else.  This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.
Post a Comment
Read more

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over.  All of our moments are over.  I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts.  I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...
Post a Comment
Read more