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My Plague.

I don't Know the next step. and im not sure where I'm going with all the bravado promises that i always had planned now that the time for them to happen is ticking down. id like to follow thru but another former freind has put me in a place where I'm holding the bag agian. and unlike some regardless of when i give my word, i follow thru. The problem is that i have given my word to things that are important and things that were inportant. i need to make choices and define who i am and who i was in those moments. 


the other issue is that the one i would like at my side for any of these events and decisions hasnt made her mind up and im not sure or comfortable with makijg my big play if there is just going to be mindgames. this shit affects my kid because I'm only going to ever ask once so I need to find the right moment even if I am refused. just so i can say I did it. i feel boxed into a corner and i dont know the next step. But i do not question being angry and a hardass until trust and respect is reearned. thats where i have to be.


the only respect you get without question is for being his mother, youll always have that. but as far as being a partner, a lover, my girlfreind, my wife, those things are an illusion, thats a fairytale, there is no trust, there is no respect between us, just an emptiness that no one thats ever been in my life has been able to fill. and while there is emotions and somedays maybe even love, there is also logic.


I am in  happy place in my life and finacally secure and not transient. That was always part of the problem. we couldnt settle down and i didn't fucking want to yet. Later when I could have wanted to, youre actions made it so that i never settled down. I dance and dream in the illusion and fairytale of what could have been too. the diffrence is i live in the reality. i have always shouldered that for you. 


i just live my life. if things change cool. if things do not im good with however they go. one day questions may be asked. one day questions may be answered. But thats not a facet of our relationship anymore. period. thats his decision. my only role in your life is to choose to listen when i want to. you dont always make it easy to make that decision. 


I may have loved you, but that was a long time ago. I may still love you, somewhere down below at my core. But i will never give you the benefit of that victory first. It's still chess between a pair of mental midgets because neither of us wants to let ourselves cave into emotions because that means the other would win. and the battle would be over.


Except the battle ended years ago, whatever this is now is by your choice. i don't contact you first and I'm not going out of my way to be there for you. I'm njst here. silently waiting. Sometimes. 


I'm good all alone, its going to take a fuckton of trust and respect to change that. even if i wanted it changed for my own selfish reasons before that. thats not who I am, at you're core its not who you are either. both of us are too stubborn to let the other win a dead and cold war.

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