Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

I am happy in my life. And content. I'm just waiting upon the next step. That's all it is. There is something missing, there always will be until I fix my little family. That's always going to the hole inside. But I'm working on it. I know that if there ever has to be an answer for 2011 that it will not be the courts. It will be me. Doing the right thing as a father. Why I've always stayed forever vigilant.  I watched you sit 3 aisles from me. I know where I stand on that. Nothing more needs to be said. There is no fear and no anger. Just sadness for the years we have lost. We have a lot to deal with. And even more to be hyper vigilant  about. I don't know where it will all lead. I just know I will always be here. I will never betray you the way others in your life have. I may walk away at times to protect you, your mental health and my own sanity. But I will never hurt you intentionally.  I'll always be here. The phone will always be answe...

I have no regrets. Only sadness that things didn't go the way they were supposed to when tell me about sad moments that I should have been there for. There are too many of those. I should have been at your side at the concert to to hold you. We have a moment now let's see how it goes. But I will always be here and it's pretty obvious now you will always be in orbit. Not being in each other's lives was a mistake.  The fact that even tho we didn't sit together I have now watched a concert with my son is mindblowing. Hopefully stuff like this continues.  I do understand why it's complicated. I'm very aware of we spend time together that those old emotions will bubble up to the service and once you've had my touch regularly or even been in the same room. With me extended periods things will change. I'm very aware you are afraid of that. But we have only so much time left. And that's gets very apparent every moment that we have. Esp the sorts scary o...