Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's nice to have a day where evwerything is going right and I have no worries or anything to deal with. I am so happy with the way things are going right now in my life and i hope things go this way for the forseeable future... my boss showed up to the afterschool program and everything is awesome.... Current Mood: Happy. The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.

The diffrences between the two jobs are becoming very clear to and are having the fact that I am really enjoying the one job becauise i feel i am making a diffrence and i am very solidly burning out at the other job isn't as surpsing as it should be, I lost another shift today because of someone else's stupidity on sunday morning in which i gained an hour but lost a shift, and the rules come and go at the house, at least when i worked at the other house the rules were solid... if you expect behavioral changes and to teach these kids how to be responsibile citixens have some consitensy in their programs and in their rules.... also be consitent with what each staff does with them, don't just leave it to whoever and then make staff scapegoats for the shift prior to theirs, i've had enough of that shit over the past two years, if it continues i will simply give notice and move on..there are other oppurtunities out there, and it's not like the loyalty i show to my employ

Today was awesome, i sat my kids at school around and read them a big book of facts about sharks and had a really good time with it and then we did A crafts project from the book which constieted of putting the shark peices together, it was pretty awesome we will finiah it tommorow... I really hope this is healping me to make a diffrence and it is nice to be part of that team because it clicks. unlike my other job, when i say this is the fun job i mean it... and it was helpful to deal with the prinicipal today about the black cloud that has been bothering me. Current Mood: Happy. Happiness is excitement that has found a settling down place. But there is always a little corner that keeps flapping around.

So anyways I've had a rough weekend of work and stressing myself out and I had thought I had seen and done everything i would incounter in this feild by now but I guessed wrong... It does show me the cracks in the system and what i want to change and makes me think i might be better served as a teacher for school aged kids to help to protect them because i don't feel i am doing the job at my current full time employment, but yhen Agian i'm very fuffllled at my other job and thats why i sough it out and too the job right? If anything after this year maybe next year i can get hired onto one of the boards in Niagara or Hamilton and persue teaching from there, I find myself happier and in better places when I have goals. Current Mood: Happy, Determined. Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

This should be a happy blog about ants on a log and how good that my afterschool program is going but alram bells are going off in my head and i can't fucking quantify them yet. I need to talk to a few people before i do anything but some little girl should not be afraid to go home and want to stay with the program till 10 pm. I'm feeling exccisvely angry and violent right now but i need to channel that positively until i have all the facts and a better understanding of the situation... welcome to fucking Hell hole hamilton sometimes things never change, and people wonder why i say i'm not a local hamiltonian even tho i grew up here.. i left.. i came back for work, my heart belongs in st. catherines and my soul was left in windsor. this place is a hole but it's conveinet and i'm needed here, at least now i feel I'm doing something... which is new as of this week. Current Mood: Vigilant. The only reason why child abuse is alive today, is because we as adults fai

I Am having a blast with this afterschool program and it has me examining my head on my goals and outlook on life, maybe i should save some money up and start looking into schools past these two feel good courses i'm doing and actually get my ass back into school, i think i could really enjoy myself teaching primary school and seeing where that goes...i know for sure i'm going to enjoy the rest of this year with this program, this is the kind of job i want Something fufilling not something where i go home every day feeling like a placeholder.... Current Mood: Fufilled. Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness.

Another day of exhaustion, but i am focused and ready for what comes next i just need to go home and have a coffee first...there's nothing wrong with burning the candle at both ends but i feel for most of the last month or so that's all i have been doing, i would rather work myself to death than deal with other things on my mind and that's not a bad thing but I'm bored in my life right now and i have so much going on you would think that it would fill the void but it doesn't.. there's only one thing that will and that's only on the weekends... Current Mood: Bored. Joy can be real only if people look upon their life as a service, and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness.

Why does Two days off often feel like i have just slept days for the last 48 hours and otherwise it's just another day at work? oh yeah i remeber, I'm getting ready for the other job and doing a ton of shit for it, as well as it being close to the end of my pay period so i had to go busking last night, I really need to find ways to have breaks without little man, I push too hard and just end up passing out exhausted, but i have goals and determination and dreams and I'm persuing them. time for rest later, I'll sleep when I'm dead. I am seriously still considering the youth jail Job with the ministry but i am leaning towards not being a jail guard... this will be the second time I've turned something down to stay in hamilton, either that's telling of how little faith I have in myself or how comfortable I am here, which isn't true at all... every ten days a little part of my soul is missing so i can never be completely happy here. But going somewhere else

Sometimes I wonder exactly where my obligations to this company end, I am really considering going to the other job in Brampton and seeing what it's all about, this morning was more than an annoyance, nothing like having to work 10 hours and then go home and change and shower and run for a bus to find out and be told we don't need you, great so a whole morning of rest wasted... and too top it off there's a torrental downpour outside, I really gotta start examining my head... err. i mean my options as this job is a dead stop, i'm not moving forward or backwards and i don't really feel I'm make an impact anymore positively or negatively. Current Mood: Annoyed. One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.

It's interesting to see the day before i have to go to court that A secure facility in toronto from the ministry of child and family services has contacted me, I am honestly wondering if i should go to this interview and try my hand at being what basicallt amounts to being a correctional officer... It's interesting to see that as hard as it has been to gian a foothold in the feild that now that I have options are starting to open up to me, and once the pardon paperwork and the license paperwork come thru they will open up even more. Current Mood: Complex. The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.

I had an awesome weekend, We got to see The Wrestlers and he got a shirt and a spinny belt and his favorite wrestler Is Goldust go Figure.... should aseen the look on my Dads face when I told him that, it's kinda nice all three generations of us like it... althought all in diffrent ways.. But i had an awesome time with that and the football... so it's awesome when things come together like that. I couldn't have asked for a better present than going to see some of the things I love with my son. Current mood: Happy. Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of 'you' to the world.

Yeah todays an awesome day, he loved the football and is so excited about going to see the wrestling... sure wish the undertaker was going to be there tho.. there's always next time, it should be fun to see him at his first wrestling show... esp. near the side of the entrance.... thank you Mom, Dad, Monster, Sis, and Uncle Jorge. Current Mood: Excited. I may not dress like Satan anymore, but I’m still down with the devil. UT

I should be writing a long letter today to get it off my mind and have it cosigned to the catacombs of memory, maybe i'll do it at a later date or maybe i won't bother with it at all, it's been ten years it can wait a while longer, it's not like it's important or of any substance, I don't plan to change things drastically anyways now that i have 2 jobs... you will have to make the effort to come to me not vice versa, at this point in my life i don't give a shit, see the fact i am not writing the letter today in any shape or form... I have too much else going on with my life to simply care. Current mood: Happy. Success is a journey, not a destination.

It's always guesswork to the way things could have went, and why neither one of us is currently happy in our respective situations in life, when someone tears a chunk of your soul out and decides to keep it and play mindgames you can never see things the same fucking way agian, of course I'm not perfect but neither were you and we have only one little man linking us now, it's not like either one of us are ever planning on reconciliation but i know for a fact about the way i am currently feeling and a forty of southern isn't going to make the emotion change, All i see when I close my eyes is the way things could have been had you not been as vindictive as you are.. has it brought you happiness, I know that come tommorow I'm not the only one hurting here. Maybe i"ll write that letter tommorow and post it here, maybe i won't. Current Mood: Sad. Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them y

Twisted Sister - Be Cruel To Your School Uploaded by liceberg . - Watch more music videos, in HD! So the first day of school has come and gone and it is leaving me wondering exactly what i want to do and be in life, i am now questioning how much longer i want or need to be at a place where I am the first one called when someone is in a tight spot but the last one thought of when they have other's to take care of things, it's not frustrating enough that i am questioning my place other than a warm overnight body at this employment agian, but there is the whole fact that they make mistakes with pay and then try and fix it with no notice, if an employer fucks up one pay does he have the right to deduct from the next pay without warning? I tire of the cracks in the system and the problems this place has, i feel used and abused and overworked and overtired, and then i can't get a goddamn friday off with my kid? I fell into that trap once, it will not be happeneing agian, Time to

One should not have to go into work exhausted and feeling sicker than a fucking dog, but of course calling in sick isn't an option until we got some new staff, but that in itself is a double edged sword as if they hire new people old people can be replaced, I wish I knew where i was headed with this job, it seems like every other day I end up second guessing myself and what's going on with these fucking kids, nothing like an all nighter last night just incase the fucking police call, I didn't sign up to be a goddamn security guard and that's all i feel I am becoming at this position, and as soon as they can find someone to replace me i'm getting the feeling they Might... I'm expendable, that much is becoming clear. Current Mood: Aggravated Co Bao: What mean expendable? Rambo: It's like someone invites you to a party and you don't show up. It doesn't really matter.

One is left wondering who exactly is running this place as it once agian feels like the inmates are running the asylum, and when a person is getting minimuim wage i don't think that every 5 minute bed checks nessciating an allnighter is fair or required. If someone has a lack of control they should have consequences instead of a Lassiez fair attiude that the beahvior will eventually stop if we are pateint. not that i really care tho, several of my concerns and suggestions about security such as being on the bedroom floor in a beanbag chair reading most of the night with the light on, or other suggestions fall on deaf ears... No wonder i used to get buzzed a lot before going into work, I no longer care, and that's sad. I didn't strive to do so much in my career to end up compartmentalized to graveyard shift and having absolutley no say in these kids life, and being told that My opinion doesn't matter really bothers me...but whatever it's all part of the cycle of corr