Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Not knowing where tommorow is going to take me isn't something new but the fact that I have to sit and wait and embrace the fact that everything past this moment is just unknown, and that until this is over other's maintain control of my destiny which is bullshit, but of course it's ultimately giving her exactly what she wants, and she knows exactly how to twist the screws, I honestly hope that the next step has her shown for the person she is and has me back to where i should be, as I am getting sick and tired of this cloak and dagger nonsense with these people and am starting to consider involving a lawyer. Current Mood: Tired. All men are sculptors, constantly chipping away the unwanted parts of their lives, trying to create their idea of a masterpiece.

I have always prided myself of being the master and controller of my destiny and i dislike greatly that at the current time that anyone else has control of said destiny, esp... the person who is causing all of this anger and anguish, I wouldn't ever give you control so instead you've got to take it by any means nessicary, i wish i could be as cold hearted as you and let my actions affect the world as you do... as always with anything that involves the both of us, we will be left at the end of this with the same age old, confusing unanswered questions, but of course.. that's the way you prefer things to be.. why Heal when it's easier for you to maintain the open wound and constantly pour salt upon it, I wish i could hate you as much as you hate me, but it's not in my character to be like that... Current Mood: Sad. You are your own judge. The verdict is up to you.

Stuck somewhere between my yesterday and my future, I cannot make plans for tommorow when I am standing still... it's nice to show the fact that everything I have worked forward for is useless, When one can tear down my life so easily.. do I really have a choice anymore, I might as well accept my fate, I never planned on seeing forty anyways, It's time to go back to whoever I was expected to be.. seeing how the more things change the more things stay the same.. it would be so much easier just to forget the person I am and run away, but somehow that's not in my make up, it has nothing to do with my genetics.. i'm stronger than you expected and i will not compromise myself for anyone least of all you... I'd rather stand and fight than take the easy way out and run away, that's your Instinctive nature telling you to flee.. mine tells me to fight... even if I'm gonna Lose. Current Mood: Depressed. Do not judge a warrior by stature or action until you truly under

Once agian in my lifetime i find the worst place to be in my life is when I am alone surrounded by just my thoughts, solitude does not suit me as i tend to look into the black chasm of who I am and Who I thought i would or could have been by this point of my life and I realize that I am not that person, i'm a good man, but i expected more of my life, when i am tethered to a moment in time almost ten years ago by someones vindictiveness I am starting to understand that their is no forawrd movement...Her final Victory is the moment i start moving in reverse and let her win and go back to the person i used to be, it would be very easy to lose myself and Not care and disappeer but i don't want to give her the satisfaction of an easy victory, i'd rather sit and rot inside my thoughts, and dwell and brood, because some day, things will change.. and it will not be my life that is filled with regret. Current Mood: Sadness. Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Ma

Reflecting in the shower about all my past life and all of the options i could have had before me, leaves me wondering why all the while, with a woman with classic narcassisitic personailty disorder is the one i chose to have a child with? Am i really what i said i was going to be? a self fuffilling prophecy? is this the beginning of the burnout, does my next chess peice lead me into even more self destructive behavior? why should i even give a damn, so much easier to drown my sorrows than to give a damn, there's a whole world out there that me and that little boy are being denied by her machinations, but of course.... this isn't unexpected, I always knew she could use this possibilty to destroy me, i guess i shouldn't be shocked... even tho I am. maybe this is that time, to burn out and fade away...... Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: Alice Cooper, Only my Heart Talkin... The hardest battle you're ever going to fight is the battle to be just you.

I wish I had the ability to stare into the future and see where this dark path is going to lead me, and know whether or not this hell i am currently enduring will change me and make me a better person or an angrier and more bitter person, It's becoming very hard to turn off the tap of emotion and be stone cold and not feel a damn thing, i don't know weather or no to kill myself or get angry and see red, i'm am having alternating bouts of Anger and depression and I am feel that one of these days I might lose control of the very tight seals I have on my emotions and do something I might regret.... But then agian this is the way you Made me... Current Mood: Angry. To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.

The more i think about this, and the longer i dwell and brood on this, the vilest thing i have ever been accused of in my life, it makes me realize that their is true evil in the world and that if this was really happeneing by someone else's hand that i would want the authorites ripping apart that persons life as well, that may come to pass sooner than later as this may backfire and expose someones mental health, but it won't be mine, It's nice to know that went i want to focus and put my heart and mind to something, it get's done, and i am doing exactly what i need to do... Current Mood: Sad Battle not with monsters lest you become one.

If you want to watch a man get broken down slowly by his evil ex girlfreind all you have to do is watch what has been happening the last few weeks, I've been questioned, my life laid bare and all my freinds contacted, I have spent almost fifteen years trying to improve my life and be a better fucking person instead of what was set out for me in the original cards, but of course I'm just a North end kid product of a single mother Crown ward, so I must be a fucking Criminal, I'm sick of Being innocent and having the burden of proof resting on me when my fucking hearts breaking, my lifes been torn apart... Current Mood: Sad. The punishment of a criminal is an example to the rabble; but every decent man is concerned if an innocent person is condemned.

I am getting tired of the never ending battle to prove myself, it's pretty sad that regardless of all my accomplishments I am still looked up as a 15 year old messed up kid.. that was 20 years ago.. I grew up a long time ago...maybe its time to be a little less crazy and little less wild, but being a loose cannon has always been one of my better qualities, if i can keep the anger in control which is always a constant battle with she who should not be named, i think I'm allowed as a man to have a litle bit of craziness in my head and do whatever the hell i want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, esp my son... above all else right know he is the most important person in all of this and i cannot believe the damage that has been done already to him.. but at least it's getting to a point to when its gonna be over soon, and maybe i'll get some answers and some vindication. Current Mood: Sadness. Those who try and destroy another person's character with lies...end up

I am getting really fucking sick of the past constanly coming back to haunt me, i haven't done anything wrong but because someone else did a long time ago, i am tarred with the same fucking brush, they can take everything away from me, even without criminal charges or a warrant, because of some vindictive woman that i refuse to coopearate with, nothing like having people assist in taking away my son and help circumvent an order because she got a bright idea in her head on a way to eliminate me from their lives... and of course the assumption is always guilty, i can understand that.. i even respect it..but of course that doesn't make it any easier when these people are systematically tearing my life apart peice by peice.. i no longer expect any happiness from this outcome, and i expect a lot of things to be changed after the outcome, it's not like i can really mentally deal with this shit anymore... not knowing whats going to come next, not knowing whats beens said, whats g

Looking at pictures of my son and realizeing how pathetic this accusation is, and exactly where the mentality that is using things that she could never understand to further an agenda that harms everyone but her, but then agian, selfishness was always one of your more attractive qualitys, it's not surprising that this particular path was chosen as you know the best ways to strip the marrow from the bone, first you took my education and years of his life away from me, now you want my career and my freedom, those things predate you, as do my ethics and beliefs, if i have to spend a year locked away playing one man fight club on the fifth floor, so be it....at least i'll have lots of time and solitude to reflect... An Innocent man will never plead guilty to this, No matter the Pychical cost inflicted, or the heartbreak. Current Mood: Depressed. Current Music: A Dish Best Served Coldly, Type O Negative Only the man who has enough good in him to feel the justice of the penalty can b

While I am making an effort to enjoy my weekend and some of the free time afforded me, some of the darker aspects of the situation are starting to sink in, and when i look into the dark mirror of reflection, even tho i am innocent one starts to realize how easy it is in this world to be affected by the jackbooted gestapo of the military elite in blue and there wonderful partners in crime in the social services... there was a time and a place long ago I wanted to be a child and youth worker and work for a children aid wasn't there? Now it's the furthest thing from my mind, i couldn't imagine putting someone else thru the hell I'm currently going through, guilty until proven innocent, I can understand why the policiy is there and i can even fucking respect it, but there has to be a burden of proof and not just a crucifixition, oh wait... that's right Jesus never got a fair trial of his peers either, this shit hurts so fucking bad affecting me to the point i cant sleep

While things may have improved with my job in the short term becuase now i am not laid off i am merely on vacation for 2 weeks, it still doesn matter, if this isnt resolved in those two weeks i will still end up unemployed for a while, and knowing my mickey mouse organization they won't know how to deal with this... wait.. they already dont know how to deal with this, but the truth is money talks.. esp. when they are the ones footing the bills... pretty sad that its always about money and whos paying it at my job, but at least i feel a lot more supported by coworkers and even a little by management now, things personally are improving too.. i let off some steam and am feeling a little better, i still cant belive this shit is happeneing and as always with my back up agianst the wall, i'm still militant, still angrily aware of exactly what my circumstances are, and am prepared to defend myself, this is a battle, and its made me realize that in terms of my goals, i'm always g

I am Frustrated and I dont fucking care anymore, I'm sick of playing by the rules and getting fucked for it, i am trying to dothe right fucking thing but Its already been decided that I'm fucking guilty so I am going to lose everything and No One seems to care that it's everything ive worked for all of my adult life, those accomplishments are meaningless, when someone wants to break you down you will end up getting the Children's authorities involved and the jackbooted elitists Involved because you know that you can't handle this in a court of law.... I could care less about what happens to myself, it's not me in the long run that you are hurting, it's that little boy, and even tho you have accused me of the vilest thing ever, time will prove that I never did anything and i was innocent and there is no way i will ever speak to you agian other than in court with a lawyer beside me, but I will remeber that once upon a time you attempted to take away my son, m

Its nice to have fucking confirmation that in this world somethings never fucking change and the world is not a nice place, Often its better to lie and be decietful than offer up the truth, because when you tell the truth you leave yourself so fucking exposed people just enjoy sticking the knife constantly in your fucking back... i wish id done something else with my life, i have nothing to fucking hide but whats my greatest fucking accomplishment? being fucked over by the ones i loved? my employer? anything i cared about has now been stripped from me, theirs nothing left anymore, now i can just wait for the vultures to pick the bones, only the guilty man repents and i am innocent so there is no reason for me to repent... but its getting so very fucking hard to care....... Current Mood: Depressed. Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.

maybe it might be a good fucking thing to have my journal of the last 5 or so years because i have absolutely nothing to hide, nothing to comment on either, but it kinda sucked staying quiet and not having some kinda release from the nonsense in my life, i am beyond pissed off but i am dealing, and maybe one day things will turn around, but for now, i am just living day by day... Current Mood: Angry. A Rattlesnake, if Cornered will become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is - a biting of oneself. We think we are harming others in holding these spites and hates, but the deeper harm is to ourselves

the time for games is fucking over, i have options in this life and you are not one of them, i have an option to spend more time in niagara with my son but i dont know if i fucking want to bother seeing how you are full of fucking games, I am as close as i have ever been to kicking your ass, too bad im a better man than that and as dirty ditchpig whore you are and everything youve done to us i still wont, i was raised better than that, i should have known better back then to consort with one night stand whores, i am so fucking done with you and you making me fucking miserable, its time for the next fucking step, lawyer whatever, but you my dear, are fucking done. Current Mood: Pissed Off. Evil is always devising more corrosive misery through man's restless need to exact revenge out of his hate.