Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

You know even in my saddest days it's not me I'm thinking about, But instead i am wondering... What the hell is that little boy feeling, how confused he must be and Why would his mother do this to him, Maybe one day all of our questions will be answered but i have this weird feeling like everything else in the one sided relationship i had with his mother, all questions will be left unanswered except the ones she can dictate to him. She wants control she can have it... I'm never going to try controlling anyone, least of all my own son... one day he will figure her out and all the damage she has caused....and that will be vindication enough... I guess. Current Mood: Sad, Determined. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

There are days when i am reminded of little things that mean a lot to me and i get very sad with all the nonsense in my life, I still push forward but some days like today, especially on a weekend where it is getting very fucking hard to do so.. i know one day that their will be an end to this dark tunnel and I will eventually see some daylight, but Today... I'm just not seeing it. at least i got to see an old friend, and she made me smile. Current Mood: Tired, Sad. You know the real meaning of PEACE only if you have been through the war.

I know that the time is getting closer and it's time to start making further preparations to change my life and the current circumstances. I can't deny my life has been toxic to those around me.. but the real people that are still standing tall at the end of the day are the ones that matter... and anyone that can't be bothered to stand behind me... can fall down by the wayside and be forgotten. It's time for this pain and anger and hatred to end.. i'm not the one hurting the most out of this, i'm not doing this for revenge or anything.. there is only one important factor here. Current Mood: Determined. Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.

I'm fucking done waiting around waiting for things to be handed to me without effort. I cannot let order be the apathy be the order of the the day, it's time to get my child and my life back. I have worked too fucking hard to let the world silently destroy me because of my lack of action, there is only so long i can sit around at home and wonder what might have been. i am a man of action and anger and I am not one to sit around and not do anything, it feels for the last few months i have been silently brooding, waiting for something to change... well fuck that.... it's time for me to make it change... Any means necessary. Current Mood: Determined, Angry. In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.

It's time that i start being proactive with all aspects of everything going around me and start brining an iron hand down on things that are out of my control that I can start to control, I am beyond fucking pissed off and waiting on someone to do nothing and being patient is no longer working. Fuck Defense, it's time to a more vigorous offensive strategy. It's time to push people, I'm sick of being pushed it's time to push back. it saddens me that some of my demons i have kept bottled up for so longer might as well should have not been left buried, it would have been better to be the feral street kid that i never really let go of until i met the psychotic in st. catherines and tried to better myself, A less trusting more street hardened warrior would have never trusted a woman like her. It's time to use all available weapons i have available to me to mount a counter offensive and start taking the battle to her.. I will use all the knowledge in this big brain o

It's time to focus and deal with shit instead of sitting around in the dark and being alternatively angry and depressed. I am a fist and I need to start smashing things to make change and force people to do things that are needed instead of being fucking patient and expecting them to just happen. there's no point in the longer waiting to hope everything will be alright, when the reality is the fact that things will not be alright the longer I let things just simmer below the surface, It's time for a reckoning and it's times for the things and people that are wrong to be proven that they are wrong and it's time to take my fucking life back. Current Mood: Angry. Life doesn't run away from nobody. Life runs at people...

There are days when you can literally not feel anything. I am sick of sitting around and not feeling a damn thing, I would rather be motivated by anger and depression than not motivated by anything, I did not see myself being 35 and desolate, I might as well be living on the streets and not giving a damn about myself, I saw some old friends from my old life recently and I honestly wonder what's so great about my life that I left that all behind.... Sure I don't miss the jail and the starving everyday parts, but what have i really accomplished by going to school and attempting to start a better life for myself... Instead I'm guilty of something I haven't done and I have lost everything, My world is more than a little bleak, it is complete darkness... and it's going to stay that way for a while. Current Mood: Nothing... at all. Honour the dead but Fight like hell for the living.

I am seriously Considering being a little more militant in the things that i believe in this week and attending something for Kids in care in queens park. i have submitted my unpublished essays and i have some intention of going to queens park to be a voice for the voiceless. even tho i have personal turmoil i almost wonder if it's worth it for me to still battle for the rights of others when it seems my own personal life is approaching destruction, of course all i need to do is see the eventual day i will be vindicated and continue to make steps towards that resolution, the only person that can truly defeat me is me... and that is never going to fucking happen. Current Mood: Determined. This is the strangest life I've ever known.

I am very lucky to have very supportive and loving people in my life and sometimes i think that i don't deserve to have those people in my life... but I know that in times of strife and fucking war that these people will stand behind me even when I am staring into the darkness and it is close to overtaking me, for that I thank you, you people know exactly who you are, the more i sit and swell and brood on things i also realize that this was done because of a back door to a police enforceable order and it is a way of eliminating me from the picture, there is only only problem with the situation, A judge is going to see that and realize she's just playing games, that's all she did in my relationship with her anyways, this weekend made me realize how much my family means to me and how much of an attack this is on them as much as it is on me, there is no reason why my life should be this way, I worked too fucking hard to achieve my goals for some selfish bitch to destroy them.

You know it's not surprising the old security blanket, the Cobian jacket has come out of the closet once again in all this nonsense for days I go busking, It reminds me, that as much as i have tried to be for the past decade what counts as fucking baseline normal, i'm not, the normal guy never got the girl, the normal guy never had the fire in his eyes to fight back, what got me through college and my first two years of university wasn't the normal guy, I was hungry for revenge, I was hungry for change, back then i wanted to make change, I allowed myself and the people around me to shape me, make me a shadow of what I once was, would the pre-94,98/99,and 2002/3 versions of myself consider the person i was the last few years as anything more that a fat bloated sell out, I changed because OF A PERSON I NO LONGER HAD BUT ONE CONNECTION too. and there was no reason for the change, I stayed at a shit job, because i figured it was the one thing keeping her at bay.... but of cour

I know that I am an asshole and I can be a jerk, but I also know that their are reasons for my actions and I don't treat maliciously unless they have given me a damn good reason.... I'm am sick of watching the world spin without me.. and I am sick of the fact that I am in a downward spiral out of No fault of my own... for my friends that are around thanks, for the ones that ain't Fuck you. for the Psychotic in St. Catherine's, I hope you DIE!!!! I was good enough for you to fall in Love with twice but not good enough for you to stick around? yet out of some sense of misguided revenge years later you plan to destroy all that I am? The last six months have been a trial by fire, and I truly appreciate who I am, the fact that I will not retreat when I take a stand and all of my friends and Social Supports that stand behind me, Instead of the ones that fell by the wayside because their own interests Came first.... Here's a toast to my former Employer for being such Stan

What Defines me? Is it my actions? Or is it the fact that my upbringing sucked? once upon a time i was defined as many things, A former crown ward, a street kid, a teacher, a child and youth worker, a father, a partner, and an asshole. None of it matters because at the beginning and end of every day all I am is a product of the system, Once a long time ago between 1997 and 2002 that was fuel. I had move past that at one point i had thought, But of course not because the longer I sit around and try to improve my life the More the system wants to drag me down into Dante's inferno... My accomplishments are meaningless as long as my past is more important.... Today, This week, I change that. Current Mood: Determined. The only crime I been convicted of is fighting; getting into a fight with my fears.

Another day of going through the motions towards a resolution, but today advances me a few steps more forward to the actual end of this battle. One more thing i'm required to do for the courts is done, and while it was boring as fuck.. it's done. as i sat in the courtroom i recollected all the things i had done and felt stronger about what i'm going to do.. there's no reason for me to have any remorse or regret about her, and there's no point dwelling on it... i've already made a vow to myself never to speak to her agian, and while i may be angry there's no point in ever allowing her to have any space in my emotions agian. it's time to be cool and hard and cunning like i know how to be. i've turned into her instead of being compassionate and having feeling and trying to feel what she feels, but right now, if i have to hate to bring forth the anger then let it be. it's better than feeling nothing. The process has begun and it is fueled by a lot m

Sometimes it's easier to let the darkness creep in and overtake you or have the Void in your life complete embrace you and draw you down... I'm not that person, Yes I am getting Angreier and progessively darker towards my outlook on the world recently. But I am not dwelling on small things like some so called freinds that are pissing me off. I may hate the world, women and everything in it.. But i have some very valid fucking reasons for doing so.. Seeing freinds Whining about the situations they put themselves in like it's the end of the world, is a fucking joke... I cannot do anything about my situation because i am not the vindictive asshole that started that process, But I am fighting a war on 2 fronts for both the future of my child, my relationship with him and My soul. when i hear someone complaining about their pathetic little life and going woe is me, I'm going to harm myself because of fucking woman you've known a few days, It is increasingly clear to me

I have to start being positive and keeping the fires stoked and getting things done, I went for lunch with my sister today and wandered around toys r us, sometimes it's not worth always staring into the darkness, sometimes you have to let the sunshine come into your life and focus on the things that need to be done.. wallowing in anger, depression and despair will only turn inward... and I need to focus that energy outward so things get dealt with. Current Mood: Positive. The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.

Nothing like having a great time with people i consider family and just hanging out and doing the trick or treat thing and then just chilling all day.... I'm pretty happy and positive right now and the darkness isn't creeping back in yet, it was a good idea to get away and I am seriously considering leaving Hamilton at the end of this ordeal as I am a different person when I am elsewhere, it's somewhat obvious to me that a dark cloud hangs over my head living here, but right now there's no dark cloud because a little fairy princess says to me as i'm getting to leave yesterday... "i'm gonna come visit so your House isn't empty." made my day and probably my month... it's nice to know with everything going on that there are people that care about me and that even a little person who has no idea of the darkness in this world and what I'm dealing with is thoughtful enough to say that to.. sometimes a little sunlight does shine through. My heart

I had an awesome night last night and it was great to spend some time with a little pumpkin, I am reminded of all my good qualities and I am legitimately happy which is rare these days. sometimes just getting away for a day is all that is needed. maybe i should go to windsor and get away this month while the weather is good. It's nice to not have this perpetual darkness over my head and a smiling happy face is all that's needed to do that some times. Current Mood: Happyish. The force is strong with this one.