Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I'm Not Angry, Not all the time at least, I just had an awesome time with family and spent my time wisely, I even seen the hobbit with a very valued family member, and i have to say it has been a great privilege to watch him grow into a man. i have a new home, and new state of mind going into the future and Plans that will come to fruitiion in the near future, it's time to start taking actions and repsonisbilty for those actions and not allowing my choices in life to be based on material things or temporary anger.. it's time for long term planning and Figuring out where things are going to be at the end of this tunnel so i can provide when I will have to... It's time to make changes to my lifestyle agian, If i can better myself and give myself a bulletproof vest from all the bullshit and lies that have hounded my life...I can't be broken down twice...it's time to make sure all the cracks are sealed and Do something new...It's time to grow up a little and

I'm still miserable but I am getting there, there is a little hope in my heart.. i still miss little man terribly but at least at this point i have some of my Xmas shopping done and i will be spending it with loved ones and pretending that my troubles don't exist, of course there will be something missing, but that's not by my choice... I just have to live for today and be ready for tomorrow..... that's what it's about.. and when that day comes your presents under the tree will be there. Current Mood: Miserable. Current Mood: Faster, Within Temptation Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

I am too old to be this miserable... but I have decided to make some positive change and maybe allow some other kids to enjoy the mountain of crap at my house.. 90% of it is replaceable and I would rather see it get used than to collect dust... I just can't deal with this depression in my fucking life anymore.. this holiday makes me feel the most miserable, even when there is a little spark of light it still seems like everything is falling apart... I'm so angry and so hurting and I miss him so fucking terribly... I'm not happy here alone... It's so difficult being alone and without him this time of year.... this will not fucking happen again... I will make the most of the holiday but i cannot deal with the absence of a very Important part of my soul especially during the winter solstice... Current Mood: Depressed. Christmas makes everything twice as sad.

This is supposed to be a happy time and a time of celebration but i feel so damn fucking empty, i am surrounded by friends and soon by family and I have no worries but I still am Empty and missing something in my life... I swear to you my little boy one way or another this will be the last year that this happens...All that I hold dear I will not spend another Christmas without you, it's just not fair.. your mother has taken so much away, this will be the last time she has the fucking chance to so, You are missed and will be over the holidays even more than the terrible sadness I have every day without you... it isn't fair... your gifts are here waiting for yuou when this is all over and things return to normal, you are not forgotten, ever. Current Mood: Miserable Current Music: In The Middle Of The Night, Within Temptation It's not revenge I'm looking for. It's justice.

I am not fond of this time of year for many reasons, least of all it is another year where I will be alone staring a mountain of Christmas and birthday gifts accumulated over the years square in the face.. I am losing patience with the world and want to be left alone.. I should not be this alone, I should not be this sad, and I should have something to look forward to, instead of being angry.. I hate this fucking holiday. Current Mood: Sad When life seems hard, the courageous do not lie down and accept defeat; instead, they are all the more determined to struggle for a better future.

I am becoming a happier person even tho Sunday was probaly one of the most depressing fucking days of my life... all these Happy memories eradicated because of one person's selfishness.. but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am prepared for the final battle, I just need to look around me and see who is a good person in my life and who isn't. it's not about who I am, it's not about who I used to be. it's too bad that one person can't see past her highly imaginary self centered view of life to care about anyone but herself. that's what hurts the most... Missing memories really get's into my head and I know damn well that i'm not the only one hurting because of it... in fact i'm not even the most important one hurting as a result... but the pain still stings. it's time for me to get what needs to be done and change things and bring things back to the reality that they need to be and not this reality that has been crea

Happy birthday little man, 9 already where has all the time gone... you are missed and loved and your gifts are still here... and this will be all over soon...I miss you very much. things are still confusing but i will make that end soon....Just remember this when you are old enough to read this... I never stopped fighting for you, I never walked away... I love you... you are my little boy...always. this will be the last set of birthday and holidays I miss spending together with you, I promise. Current Mood: My baby boy is 9, Happy Birthday. The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.

Two More days and Another birthday will have passed, I swear to all that i hold dear In this world that a third Will not come to pass without me being in his life... the selfish person that has put all of this in motion will be defeated by her own words and her own actions.. I am more than sick of the waiting but it is time for me to be on the offensive....I don't need to wait anymore.. I have the upper hand and it's time.... you want to use my past to destroy me that's fine.... I'm not the only one that has a dark past and i will use that against you... you have secrets too and i will use them against you... it's not about you and i, It has never been about you and I... this is a battle for his little soul and one of our views and ways of life... you choose to eliminate me a dozen times and each time I will rise up against you, stronger, angrier than before... when a man's soul is pure you cannot and will not destroy him with a carefully crafted fiction. one th

I am sick of waiting for the Chess game that is my life to end.. there has to be another move, things are changing.. but i am losing patience with all of the players and all of the fucking bullshit involved.. I have yet to move and don't even have the keys and i have zero tolerance right now for the older place and my things still there.. hopefully tonight one way or another I will get them out but playing politics about money and my time is never a good idea.. i have to get moved and I have to have a safe place for when my little boy comes home.. it's not about anything else...I can withstand a million things until that happens but i am slowly poisoning myself with the passage of time with this infernal waiting.. nothing like the world passing you by while you are doing nothing.... and you can do nothing.... the patience level is low. Current Mood: Angry. I'm beginning to think it's easier to scare people than to make them laugh.

I often wonder if i am in purgatory or If i am in hell as I every day goes by and i Can feel smaller and smaller parts of me drifting away as I await this final battle... It is hell being a limbo status In terms of my life.. silently waiting for the next step.... Nothing I can do to accelerate things.... I am well prepared for the battle, Less so for the waiting. Current Mood: Bored. Current Music: Within Temptation, Faster. Maybe heaven was innocence, limbo was ignorance, and hell was fiery illumination.