Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

There is No question, I am damned... I will end up in hell... However I will not end up there alone or take any innocents with me... the guilty will be punished on levels lower than I could ever aspire too... I just embrace the fact that I was born damned and that my entire life is leading up to an eventuality and an expectation of Hell... It can't be any worse than my current fucking life.. i embrace the desolation of the pit and the flames... It seems like right now my best and only way to fucking function is in seclusion where I don't deal with people... I spent most of the last week not dealing with the outside world not so much because I was sick but because I had decided to close myself off and take a break from the world.. sometimes it's seems this whole goddamn world is a prison and imprisonment for who i was another lifetime ago, I can't escape my past but i will escape you... Interesting to note you had a birthday the other day and it didn't even register.

I am becoming more and more aware that i am a fucking prisoner In my own life... while My actions may have created some of it, My upbrininging also comes into play, so long before I met the love of my life.. (and regardless of the hate you still are.) and long before i even wanted a child I was damned...it doesn't matter who or what I am now.. In the eyes of these so called professionals all i am and All I ever will be... is damaged goods.... corrupted and poison... I'm sick of trying to justify and fight, more money down gutter drains of no where... I was never charged and I am an innocent man, it's so fucking hard with these smoke and mirrors and no fucking accountabilty from anyone to get anything done, esp. when one on the end of the spectrum is delibrately stalling and playing games so nothing ever gets done.... it's all a game.. a game I sick of fucking playing.. soon i will stop caring and a part of my soul will finally die... I can never let it get to that... bu

I have lived my life without putting down roots for a reason, everyone I care about goes away in the end and too many people in my life have taken advantage of me to ever be trusting, it's so much easier to be looking out for number one.. but there's one small problem with that logic right now.. in my life I, myself am No longer the number one priority there is something and someone who comes first above all, and as easy as it is to walk away, it's my only physical reflex to stand and fight for what I belive in.. because as a man that's all i have left, everything else has been stripped from my Bones... i have and will walk away from most of the people and things in my life, freinds, lovers etc. it's not the first time and there has been a pattern to my entire life.. and the people i am closest to are millions of miles away.. it shouldn't be that way... but there's a reason i have chosen the nomadic lifestyle... there's a reason i choose to stand apart a

I may have fucking demons inside my Head, but right now there is only one battle I need to fucking fight..I can deal with the demons later.. it's time for someone else to feel the fires of Hell and the hate and the pain that has been inflicted upon me for far too fucking long, all other issues are immaterial it's time for battle it's time for fucking war...My soul may be forfeit but there is still an innocent part of it residing within and without me... it's time to fight for him, and Him alone... there is nothing else that matters all this external bullshit in my life are a result of my choices and others choices, some of them have been poor... but I need to ignore that and move forward and fight... it's all I have left.. some days it's the only thing i have left to keep me going... So I have to use it, the anger and the rage and the Fuel, It is often bettert than sitting at home depressed and pretending I can't do anything about my fate.. if you know anyth

The situation has changed and while there is good news there is also bad news, I am currently in a position to make a person who deserves it life hell and I will destroy her peice by peice as she has taken everything in my life that was good and pure away from me... but right now I have to deal with the situation at hand.. I should be making decisions that effect myself and only myself and no one else, It's about one thing and one thing only... I need to fucking focus on that one goal.. being distracted by others selfish wants and needs and then having it explode in all of our faces and seeing that person making compromises the same way I did... that's not happening anymore... i am pissing off and annoying friends and family that are dear to me and that i need in my life.. In others people lives however.. I am simply fucking passing thru.... there is going to be some collateral damage and some people's emotions are bound to get damaged along the way but I no Longer have a c

There are battles that need to be fought and battles that don't need to be fought, sometime My anger blinds me to the root cause of everything and prevents me from achieving my goal, and certian external pressures and issues have to evaluated and reevaluated and I need to find some kind of cohesive peace in my life... I know exactly who the fucking enemy is.. and I need to meet her/them on every fucking battlefield, But my actions should not effect innocents and not place them in harms way.. not everything is that black and white as it should be, and i'm not the only ones with their hands dirty, but sometimes you have to deal with the hands you are dealt.. and my hand includes anger and bitterness, rage and hatred.. I'm not about to dispute that... i am working thru it, but right now I need to make sure that every avenue and every battle is fought for a reason not just fucking mindless rage... i'm better than that, I'm a tactician not a tank.. every chess piece has

I am sick of fighting, sometimes I feel that being around people completely is my weakness, i can and will walk away one of these days... I'm sick of explaining to strangers my actions and choices and being expected to fucking deal with them, there is only one person i care about, i Am sick of placing other's that i care about because of someone's selfishness but the truth is I am the only one responsible for placing anyone in the cross hairs.. however... i am sick of feeling guilty when full disclosure and information was shared, only fucking god can judge me... Only He has ever seen the life I have lived and the Hell I have had to fucking experience.. My decisions are my own and I take full accountability for them, but sometimes it's better and the more honorable thing to walk away.. and i have options, I am not tied to being here... why should I be If it causes damage to both me, my son, my life and others. Sometimes the better thing is to walk away. Should have done

I'm depressed and frustrated and Most of all right now I'm sick of fighting... it's one thing to be fighting my own battle, that's never going to stop but when other children are placed in harms way and the acts of a selfish few are deliberately creating more tension it's time for me to walk away from the equation... the only battle I need to fight is my own, for my blood... Only for my blood. I do not have time for other people and their bullshit and their drama, i am close to completion and if it takes a drastic life change to remove the source of the disruption from their lives, maybe it's time for me to choose a different path, I made an informed choice that was somewhat forced upon me and now I am in the cross hairs along with other's that are just as much in danger, And no one around get's the gravity of the situation or really gives a fuck.. they just live there happy little lives and didn't give a fuck... never speaking out, they came for the

I have No patience right now for the world around me, and the people immediately in it... I should not be feeling the way I do and being the problem solver for people that aren't my fucking concern, i have my own problems issues and things to do, right now several people in my life who are irresponsible in their actions have caused ,me great distress and I should not be doing all the work for so little credit on both fronts... I have real life battles to fight and my own concerns, Right now i shouldn't be nero fiddling while I watch the world burn... Some men do want to watch the world burn, but that's not me...i just want to disappear and find some inner peace... my life has been a clusterfucker for far too long and it's time to start growing some teeth, dealing with my problems and not others and not pipe dreaming about petty things... I live in the real world, people live voilent .lives and die voilent deaths, It's not pretty out there.. I need to do what i need

I am fucking Sick of My life being an insane Asylum when I want to do something good, Sick of making fucking choices that because of nothing i have done will eventually leave me homeless and with nothing, I have a complete set of useless fucking skills that any time the government get's involved they take everything away from me without any proof, Of Fucking Course I'm goddamn Confrontational, one it's my nature.. two I have nothing left to lose, but the good thing is now you have given me something legal to bite back, and i plan on fucking doing so.... while things and people around me may be insane and it not due to my choices but sometimes due to the fact I have been forced into corners and then i try and do the right thing.. and it fucking seems like every time i try and do that lately I get forced into an even tighter and tighter straitjacket.. it's time to say fuck the world, Fuck everyone.. Get greedy, get mean.. show and bare some fucking teeth... if I am An ins