..In the Crosshairs...

I am sick of fighting, sometimes I feel that being around people completely is my weakness, i can and will walk away one of these days... I'm sick of explaining to strangers my actions and choices and being expected to fucking deal with them, there is only one person i care about, i Am sick of placing other's that i care about because of someone's selfishness but the truth is I am the only one responsible for placing anyone in the cross hairs.. however... i am sick of feeling guilty when full disclosure and information was shared, only fucking god can judge me... Only He has ever seen the life I have lived and the Hell I have had to fucking experience.. My decisions are my own and I take full accountability for them, but sometimes it's better and the more honorable thing to walk away.. and i have options, I am not tied to being here... why should I be If it causes damage to both me, my son, my life and others. Sometimes the better thing is to walk away. Should have done it years ago and never looked back.. one foot in the past will end up one foot in the grave. I'm sick of fighting for everything I worked so hard to have, i can leave the province I can go home to windsor... What the fuck am doing here fighting battles for other people... there is no reason I should be fighting this battle alone, everyone I ever gives a damn about betrays me or dissapears anyways... I'm better off alone, the fucking Nomad warrior, the life i chose years ago.. putting down roots was idiotic... who the fuck am I to think my life will ever fucking change... It's just the same shit diffrent fucking day..it's the war I was bred for.. the war I have been fighting since my early childhood... but i should be fighting alone for me.. not with anyone else involved, I'm seriously considering walking away from it all.. maybe that's what i need to do.. but when I do it, It will be on my time and My Decision and not because of pressure by others who don't have the slightest idea of whats going on. Stand with me or stand against me.. either that or get the fuck out of my way.

Current Mood: Angry.
However bad a man, he will have some friends: however good, he will have some enemies.

Men of sense often learn from their enemies. It is from their foes, not their friends, that cities learn the lesson of building high walls and ships of war.

I have always paid attention to the merits of my enemies, and found it an advantage.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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