Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am at war, and I am alone...that is the sad reality of my situation and no matter how many small victories or setbacks this is a war. it isn't my soul on the line but it is my freedom and the very core of who i am and who I will always be. this war will end when one of us does or that child becomes a man, how shallow and petty of a person am i becoming when that is all I have left, I'm sick of fighting an uphill battle when all it seems that ever small step forward leads nowhere and the longer i stare in the darkest parts of myself, the more i fear the good parts of my soul slipping away... have i really becum at my core only about the battle? is that what and who I am now... is there even a question anymore that i would be able to walk away and redeem my soul elsewhere? it's a sadistic choice, one i can and would never make.. but days like today leave me wondering, would it be easier to just let her win... when do i shrivel down to the pathetic corpse she wants me to be.

Sometimes i wonder what is left... when i am seriously asking questions and giving directions i suddenly fucking wonder what's left.. what haven't the vultures torn from my soul... that little bit of goodness that remains is in my chest and in my heart and it's is all that i have left, the rest of my core my soul, it's consumed by hatred. I wonder if the fire of my hatred is equal to the fire of hatred in your soul...regardless of what i do in this life or what i have done I am always going to have anger and hate in my soul, there's is almost nothing else left.. why am I sitting here fighting fucking battles when all i can see at the end of the day is no fucking resolution, ever. this hell will continue, i can endure the next 7 1/2 years of this hell but why the fuck should i have to... the price of just merely survival is way too fucking high, and I would have gladly done so a few years back when I had him in my arms, now what's the point why do I bother? nothi

So Many things i want to walk away in this life and yet I stand here, standing tall and losing patience with a lot of people in my life both personal and what currently consists of my current joke of an occupation... i am very pissed off that today of all days I have to take stock rather than having a few bucks to throw in a particular direction, but i will fucking survive and before the Month's over that will be dealt with.. it's just fucking frustrating that this kinda shit happens to often, this isn't a fucking hobby to me this is the way i pay my bills.... it's all well and good when there is money flowing around into your hand but when i am mr fucking noodle for a week and i get frozen out by your mistake... and It affects me and my family.. it's getting fucking annoying... and you still haven't bothered to be a man and find my fucking child's video games that are lost somewhere at your house, you have done damage in my life and if i didn't need an

I like who i am today, I had a good day hanging out with old friends and i may have yet once again changed the playing field to my advantage, but i am content as much as i can be with my life at the current moment... it was nice to finally see some nice weather too... but the reality is i need to surround myself with the people in my life that bring out my positive emotions rather than be lost in the darkness alone by myself..i am a good person and i have those kinds of people in my life and i am grateful, as long as i have them i can do anything. Current Mood: Happy. Current Music: Eminem, Survival. It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.

Looking around at my life and behind at the past and realizing that I have many people that are merely aquainteces in my life but as for true freinds that are there in the true moment's of need... they Number few if any... i am starting to see and belive that many in my life are fairweather freinds and when it comes to most precious blood, it really doesn't fucking matter about me because it does not affect them, I'm seeing more and more of this as I reach out and try to ask for assitance from people i once cared about and trusted.. is it any wonder with the events of the last few years that my heart has gone cold and hard... that i no longer feel anything towards most but apathy? and to other's red hot unbridled hate? i have always fought my battles alone, thinking it a stregnth, these days i am unsure.. i more see it as weakness, being myself, the nomad, wanderer, never putting down roots except for the few times i tried have turned to ash, in not so many words, just

I replay every day in my mind and I think the thing that fucking Stings the most here, is that it has been almost three years, over nothing....old scars have been ripped open and new ones created.. for what to gain a fucking advantage and destroy a man and even more than that destroy a relationship between a father and a child? how do you fucking think that's going to affect him, you think he will better for it when you have real problems and resents you when he's older... I know at the end of this, I will not be the one He hates... He may hate both of us, But he will hate you more. At least i can tell him I never stopped fighting for him. This has always been about control and treating him like a possession, if you weren't so petty one day you would realize that... you would realize the damage you've done... not saying my hands are clean either but at least i have tried to be the person i always have been, I go to my grave without question's about who i am and this

It's time to end this. I have been hurting for far to long and i cannot imagine how my little man feels... there's nothing left except the goal line and it's time to use everything I've been sitting on for the last few years.. all the evidence and all the friends that i still have that can help... anything, everything i can do to end this. Now is the fucking time. it's never been about me.. but as i am replaying things in my mind i cannot believe that three years of our lives have been taken away from a selfish me first woman who only thinks of her own needs... I don't know how to fucking Lose.. and i won't. you'd have to kill me to be done with me.. there is something to be said for persistence. If I've gotta burn this scorched earth to achieve my goals it's no less than what has already been done to me... and to him, and that weight has never and will never be on my soul, that's always been you're doing not mine. Because I put my fait

Another piece of the puzzle falls into my hand and Vindication is that much closer... I am angered, confused and sad by the things i have seen and the fact that for three years various elements has conspired to take my son away from me based on rumor's and half truths... now that thing's are unraveling for these elements i hope that they will remeber that for the past three years my relationship with my son has been severed and destroyed and my life has been destroyed into nothingness. It's time to pay some of that back in kind and if i do damage on the road to clearing my name so be it... that's colleratal damage and the casulaties of war... that's not what this is about that is never been about... Only now am i realizing that this has not only been a battle for control and possesion but it has been a battle over my soul as much as the little guys... I refused to be damned for the things that i have not done.. and the more i see it and the more things that get prov

Tick Tock...... Time is ticking down.. the closer i get every day to finishing this, the sooner that you will be exposed... I don't wish to destroy your life.. but i am left with no choice after you destroyed mine and left me with nothing... even the parts you helped bid.. I hope that as angry and bitter i can be.. i am never like you...my heart is a black ember hardly burning... but it is still more pure than yours... and there is a little spot that will always, but only for him, never for you... never again.... i can survive you, I can survive anything... just remember when it comes time for me to fight... not even the devil can keep me down without killing me. I'll never give up.. ever. Current Mood: Angry, Determined. Current Music: World painted blood, Slayer. Hate isn’t the opposite of love, apathy is. Hating doesn’t free you from feeling anything. You have to carry it around, using every scar, every little memory like a building block. Like a stone in a wall, until

Somedays it is easy to remeber why i am fighting and Who i am fighting for, esp. when cherished freinds call up out of the blue and ask how i am doing and if i'm alright.. this is a battle i prefer to fight alone but I will not forget who has stood at my side every moment of the battle and who has been washed aside by the sands of time.... it's about the next step it's about going to where I need to go... It does get difficult some days when i am surrounded by all these awesome things at my house and I realize the more each day that ticks away.. Tick tock... tick tock.. he will likely outgrow them and thenj they will be nothing more than interesting collectibles... that's not on me tho.. i am not the one that took my life away from me and him, I'm still going to be the same person i was yesterday, and tommorow that i was then.. going thru paperwork was difficult this morning as i came by some old paperwork that predate's his birth and it was once upon a time a f

The patience level is so not there lately nut i go thru days where i can get annoyed, depressed and angry and just sit around do nothing... and this gig is stressing me out but i am not even fucking blinking at expressing myself when I'm being pressured... even superman has fucking limits and I'm not even Clark Kent... the more i see of my angrier dark side that i usually use for strength but of late i am feeling spiraling out of control and i know where the anger and hate is mostly directed... Most of the time it's directed with laser pinpoint fucking accuracy at the one or two people that are not part of my life but it is frustrating that people in my life that i do care about but can walk away from need reminders to get their shit together and not be affecting my mental health... I'm not a big fan of starving and when someone asks me to do something make sure it's worth my while.. I fucking hate being poor, But i can survive being poor on my own when I'm res