Looking around at my life and behind at the past and realizing that I have many people that are merely aquainteces in my life but as for true freinds that are there in the true moment's of need... they Number few if any... i am starting to see and belive that many in my life are fairweather freinds and when it comes to most precious blood, it really doesn't fucking matter about me because it does not affect them, I'm seeing more and more of this as I reach out and try to ask for assitance from people i once cared about and trusted.. is it any wonder with the events of the last few years that my heart has gone cold and hard... that i no longer feel anything towards most but apathy? and to other's red hot unbridled hate? i have always fought my battles alone, thinking it a stregnth, these days i am unsure.. i more see it as weakness, being myself, the nomad, wanderer, never putting down roots except for the few times i tried have turned to ash, in not so many words, just dusty ashes from the flames... in this life, and it is my life and my destiny, I will fight.. I will crawl up from the grave with my bare fucking hands alone if i have to... but the sad reality is that I have to.. it's not about who I am or Who I was.. it's about the people around me and how so many have fallen by the wayside due to their own lives and judgements... i should have been angrier, I could have been more withdrawn and cold sooner.. then I wouldn't be sitting here... alone, staring out at a world I no longer belong to... a world She and only She took away, i will fight and battle until the monster in my chest stops beating.. and even after that, but the point is I shouldn't have to do this alone... I shouldn't have to do this at all. I shouldn't be starving and angry and expecting anyone in this life to do anything for me. the only place to do that is for myself, people just leave you with lowered expectations and a lack of trust... there is only one thing in this world that matter's to me and i don't care how many sleepless nights i have and how many meals i miss or how many fucking fake freinds fall by the wayside... it's not about them, hell it's not even about me or you, It's always been about him and him alone. That's it.
Current Mood: Angry.
Sometimes loneliness isn't such a bad end after all, sometimes it brings out the hidden potential in us and make us realize of how far we can go on our own without no ones help.
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