Cybertron: The End II

I'm trying to find a place with peace. And if not, then let's fill it with mayhem.

I don't know what my next step in this life is anymore, the thing that has held the demons at bay and been a distraction if not a worthwhile one is finally over and I find myself waxing nostalgic for something i have for the most part hated. nothing has fucking changed, I'm still sitting here waiting for the real things in my fucking life to change and they aren't. and now i have nothing to drive towards or anything to distract me from the fact that all i am doing with the rest of my life is playing a waiting a game.. I'm sure I'll find something to fill the void, but right now, I'm at peace during wartime and without something to occupy my time and occupy my mind i'm just sitting here, angry, depressed and brooding, waiting for the next chess move.. at least before I had something to distract me, Now all there is.. Is the War... and it's not fucking ending soon.

In two fucking days this blog will be ten years old and how much of that time have i spent fighting this never ending battle, how many times have i truly known fucking peace? i got two almost good years out my son's life.... the rest has been spent fighting, and for what? 3 years of interesting experiences that i never got to share with him to pay legal bills that lead nowhere, and a skeleton of a store that most of the good things have been fucking sold out of necessity to survive and pay said legal bills? I'm glad to be done of it, but i find it fucking sad that other than the collectibles and the cool things that i have managed to keep he will never have seen all the cool toys i once had, But everything neds and ending and this was mine.. There's no need to revisit Past glory's and I've always been a scorched earth policy type guy, I never look back, the one time i did it ended in tragedy, and i'm still dealing with her decisions.

Current Mood: Depressed, Angry, Brooding.
Current Music: Skid Row, The Threat

Whether beautiful or terrible, the past is always a ruin.

Some memories were all right, but others were dangerous.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to. I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone. The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even. I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of. I’m not going to pretend to keep th

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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