Cybertron: The End II

I'm trying to find a place with peace. And if not, then let's fill it with mayhem.

I don't know what my next step in this life is anymore, the thing that has held the demons at bay and been a distraction if not a worthwhile one is finally over and I find myself waxing nostalgic for something i have for the most part hated. nothing has fucking changed, I'm still sitting here waiting for the real things in my fucking life to change and they aren't. and now i have nothing to drive towards or anything to distract me from the fact that all i am doing with the rest of my life is playing a waiting a game.. I'm sure I'll find something to fill the void, but right now, I'm at peace during wartime and without something to occupy my time and occupy my mind i'm just sitting here, angry, depressed and brooding, waiting for the next chess move.. at least before I had something to distract me, Now all there is.. Is the War... and it's not fucking ending soon.

In two fucking days this blog will be ten years old and how much of that time have i spent fighting this never ending battle, how many times have i truly known fucking peace? i got two almost good years out my son's life.... the rest has been spent fighting, and for what? 3 years of interesting experiences that i never got to share with him to pay legal bills that lead nowhere, and a skeleton of a store that most of the good things have been fucking sold out of necessity to survive and pay said legal bills? I'm glad to be done of it, but i find it fucking sad that other than the collectibles and the cool things that i have managed to keep he will never have seen all the cool toys i once had, But everything neds and ending and this was mine.. There's no need to revisit Past glory's and I've always been a scorched earth policy type guy, I never look back, the one time i did it ended in tragedy, and i'm still dealing with her decisions.

Current Mood: Depressed, Angry, Brooding.
Current Music: Skid Row, The Threat

Whether beautiful or terrible, the past is always a ruin.

Some memories were all right, but others were dangerous.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog