I'm starting to fucking wonder why I am pursuing certain fucking things in my life when it's clear the more involved I get with them or trusting certain people the more angry and fucking frustrated I get. It's pretty sad that for the last few months I have been a caged animal instead of the vicious monster I claim to be and have let other things take priority and precedence over the only gooddamn thing in my life, I think ongoing in my life I need and want to be fucking selfish and that is going to lead to some changes and decisions in my life because I can't stand around in a constant state of fucking frustration. I'm sick of my life as it fucking stands right now and I need to make it clear that it's about me because right now I am feeling like a hollow fucking shell and that I am being taken advantage of and all my hard work is for nothing, I know, sounds fucking familiar, nothing like the same similar black hole for me to find myself trapped by, but there's reasons why at the end of the day I'm better off alone without a lot of people in my life, less innocent people are affected and less bullshit in my life. Sometimes it's about knowing when to fucking walk away as much as it can often be about standing and fighting. I need to be make some hard decisions soon and not everyone is going to fucking like them, but I have one priority and one priority alone in my fucking life, and I feel you are detrimental to my life and my goals, you are fucking expendable, I don't care who you are. I put all my cards on the table back in august to make a profit as well as doing the same this weekend and it's frustrating that a lot of the money from it has vanished into thin fucking air, esp when there was at least one or two other occasions where there were major paydays, I'm not comfortable being a caged and controlled animal, and I'm frustrated other things have taken priority over everything I worked towards the last few years. To see all my hard work turn to shit is frustrating, but it's clearly time for it to stop being any type of income and only being a private collection. I need to make fucking decisions based on my needs and my needs alone, I'm frustrated and pissed off at the world. I don't know what the next step is, but I know I'm not comfortable with my life right now. There's a lot of regret and anger right now. At least the one fact is the toy thing is done, it has to be, it's not a fall back mechanism to save me or anyone else anymore, it's not about that agenda anymore, I'm beholden to no one financially, and I'll walk away before I become that agian. The fact that I have spent more money in the last 90 days than I ever had in one semester when I was with my sons mother is not a fact that I'm ignoring either. It's pretty sad when my future reflects my past and it's clear the same old behaviours are returning in new ways. I can't see a future if this is the current status quo and I'm frustrated that I can't even provide for myself right now because of decisions that are being made for me. I only see a black hole, a few months ago, there was a light at the end of the fucking tunnel, now I just feel fucking hollow, alone and angry. I should not be looking back on the last three years that I fucking hated as glory days, but then agian, at least then I knew who was intentionally stabbing me in the back. I don't know where this is headed and certain sacrifices I am unsure if I should be making, things were fucking easier when I was alone and only accountable to myself. I don't know what the next step is, I just know that this burning from stress at the bottom of my stomach will not go away. It's time to stop sitting around being silently angry and start to take fucking control of things. It's time to be the master of my destiny and let everyone around me know that's exactly the fucking case, I plant my life, my actions and my fucking finances months ahead of time so there are no surprises. It's time to let all of those that are a fucking drain on my time and finances know that they are in my way and will get fucking broomed. I've got no patience for it anymore. Sick of people that fucking owe me money and shit with there goddamn excuses, I need to get paid, the toy shit is done. I need to collect debts and move on from everyone and everything. I have went from this toy thing being the defining thing in my life to being nothing, it was a worthwhile distraction but of late everything that has come from it seems to have turned to shit and I'm left with nothing. It's a rough guesstimate to my next move because right now all I feel I am fucking doing is spinning my heels waiting for the next step. It's not coming. Everything right now is all fucked up and I don't know where or when the next chess move is. I think the one nice thing about all of the toy nonsense other than the fucking distraction was the fact that it gave me a purpose and something to occupy my fucking mind over the last few years and the mental mind fields. In that way even given how much of an albatross it had and has become it was somewhat of a worthwhile distraction. What happens next? That I'm not so sure about.
Current Mood: Depressed.
Fight and you may die. Run and you’ll live, at least a while. And, dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance — just one chance — to come back here and tell our enemies, that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom.
There isn't one of us that doesn't want to be someplace else. But this is what we do, who we are. Live for nothing, or die for something. Your call.
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