Nothing of real worth can ever be bought. Love, friendship, honour, valour, respect. All these things have to be earned.
I am at fucking war, this is a fact of my life. There is nothing else, I haven't got a choice than to be angry, any distractions in my life have been stripped away systematically by other people's decisions and wishes and wants. But what about mine? I've sacrificed all that I have been twice over the last four fucking years, my career, this toy thing, all of it gone, one out of selfishness that I can return to, another that I have been made to fucking feel guilty about for making money for years, I didn't see anyone complaining when it paid the legal bills for every fucking battle I had to fucking fight, now I'm choosing to fucking question things that were not supposed to happen because I have questions about games that got played a month ago? I don't trust any aspect of the family law system, why the hell should I? I have to protect myself and my son, and sometimes that means watching and waiting and direct fucking confrontation with an asshole I don't fucking trust completely, but there are steps I'm taking gingerly. This is a battle I have fight, a battle I've fought mostly fucking alone, I'm used to it. I make my own fucking decisions and I choose my fucking moments to do things. This is a chess game, this is a war zone, this is me sitting on a battleground surrounded by allies I can't completely trust. No fucking wonder I play things by my rules and my rules only. Every time I've played by the rules of engagement I've gotten fucked for it, when the law can't protect me or precious blood, I've got no choice but to be an outlaw, I'd rather be a noble demon than a castrated good guy, sometimes the anger and hate is something I fucking need to wake up and stare myself down in the morning, people don't understand that sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me fucking going. Everything else has been stripped away, sometimes I need the rage, I'm frustrated by certain realities of my life, and the fact that I am staring at certain things as just a fucking memory, a memory that rings empty because while it helped fight the fucking battle these long years and helped ease my mental stability so I didn't go fucking insane, he should have been beside me there the whole time, instead I'll have a monument to him of whatever's left hidden into a glass case, how fucking sad is that little parts of my soul are gone and what's left of them will occupy that glass case as much, they are minor memories, held for my little boy because the last few years I have had nothing else. I have had the battle to comfort me and I haven't had to spend winters playing guitar outside of the liquor store to survive, things were provided for and it have me a chance to fight for the things that are and were right, so what if I'm angry and bitter and I choose not to force engagements and I am choosing my battles very fucking carefully, I have to stare down motherfuckers that have supposedly been on my side, I've casually kicked people aside that got in the way, this is war, there will be fucking casualties, I'm just trying to make sure my child won't be one of them, this is a battle I have to fight, I don't care if it takes a moment or another decade, I will not and cannot ever back down, not with everything that has happened, the fact that his voice is not being heard, the fact that his mother overshadows everything in both our lives, why would I chase things that would further demonize me, why would I roll the fucking dice again and piss more money I don't have down the drain? I can barely survive alone some days and theirs a reality that no one is helping, not that I would ever fucking ask for anyone's help, this is my fight, my battle, my war! I choose to fight it alone and the ghosts and demons of this battle will haunt me but haunt me alone. If I start involving others and putting my trust agian in others the possibility is I will get further fucking screwed. I will deal with in no uncertain terms with everything in the near fucking future agian, this time it's going to be on my terms, it's going to be my way or the highway, it's not time to play nice or play freindly, I'm a bad guy? A mean motherfucking man? An outlaw? A lone soldier on a bloody battlefield? So be it, I'll stand and fucking fight even if it's gotta be done alone. It's not the first time I've fought alone, it will not be the last if my life has had any indication, but I'll do it alone rather than have conditions placed on who and what people want me to do in my life, I've aquiested to their requests long enough in my life, and in a fucking decade what's left of my life, almost 11 years I've been fighting and multiple times lost everything, I've been writing about the battle for ten fucking years too, take a good long read here, how many happy moments are their? Am I happy? Am I a better person than I was in Windsor? Have I ever had peace or have I had to fight, this is a war, that probaly will never fucking end. I am no longer staring into the abyss or fighting monsters, I have become both, I've got no problem with that, if that's what I've had to become to win this fucking fight or at least end it with pride and at peace, I'll allow the darkness to take over, I'd rather be the devil than the fool. I'd rather die with my sword and sheild in my hand facing lmpossible odds with everyone agianst me than die at peace alone. It's not about me, it's never going to be about me, but if I have to fight alone, I will. I'd rather be the man that fights alone than a man that fucking retreats, or worse the man who let's her fucking win. I need to make some decisions on so called allies and confront them in their bullshit sooner than fucking later, but I need to be angry and jaded to make those decisions and stare down those I do not fucking trust. It's time to end this war, and it has to be done by my rules, not anyone else. I have my scars and I have my demons, skeletons that rattle around in my head and in the empty sucking chest wound I call my heart, there's not much left there but there's enough, enough to keep fighting, enough to be angry, no surrender, no remorse, no backing down, always moving forward no matter the fucking personal cost, everything can fall away, it doesn't matter, I'm still standing, I can be wounded, I can be broken, I will never be a victim or subscribe to that mentality, broken things can be fixed, broken men can heal, I'm a warrior, a soldier in an endless battle, I died a long time ago, there's nothing left but a hollow shell, the fact that all that is left of me is a weapon, pointed directly at the things I know when and how to fight for, there's nothing else. At the end of the game this is my defining moment, the only thing in my life that has ever meant anything, these are the rules of engagement, I'll stand alone if I have to, I'll lose if I have to, but it will be on my terms, and I will never fucking back down or stop fighting. Inside my mind the skeletons and demons will never stop rattling but I will fight so that one day, precious blood will know peace and have answers.
I'm frustrated by the fact I am almost 40 and I've spent more time fighting agianst the system in my life than actually making a diffrence, when someone drags me down to destroy me and I spend a few years fighting for my freedom, for the only thing left of my soul, you're damn sure gonna know you've been in a battle, and know that you've been in a war. I can't, won't and don't fucking back down, no matter the cost, not even what it costs me personally. I'm broken and bloodied and I've had a million knives in my fucking back, but I'm still standing, as long as there one bit of hope left in my soul, the little bit that keeps me going, this fight won't end, not while I draw breath. For the past 4 and a half years I have had to fight a woman who has weaponized my child agianst me, I cannot have forgiveness, I can't have remorse when dealing with her, there is only the fucking battle, there is only the war... Their is only the fight. That's all I have left, that's what this fucking bitch has reduced me to, and then when the moment comes for answers, for retribution, for a day in court? Politics rear their ugly head and leave me holding the bag, with only fucking questions. I don't like or trust anyone, not when it comes to my son, I don't trust anyone's fucking agenda except mine, I can't afford to, period. I don't have any fucking problems putting anyone on blast that gets in my way and/or does anything counterproductive to my fucking war. And that's exactly what it is. My war.
There are a lot of personal frustrations in my life and things don't make fucking sense in my life and certain fucking things are not making sense at all, and the longer I'm limping forward without addressing these things the more of the my self and my soul drifts away, I shouldn't have to make fucking sacrifices for others while things that matter In my fucking life are ignored. I need to start fucking focusing on my problems and only my problems in the near future to deal with the things that have to be. It's agian coming down to a lot of fucking hard decisions in my fucking life, and not everyone will like some of them, then agian, I've already got enough people to hate me, what's one or two more? It's just weighing the options out, but trying to decide the proper course of action right now is fucking paramount, I need to make decisions for me, and only for me, the only X factor should be my son and not the internal and external voices that think they can occupy real estate in my head.
Current Mood: Angry
The moment you are doing something to SPITE someone, just know you are the one with something to lose, which is HONOUR and PRINCIPLE
When you feel weak in spirit, think about the agreements you made with yourself about how to live an honourable life. We all have them, but unfortunately the contracts are often written in invisible ink when they should be signed in blood.
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