Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  This is where the depression hits. When he has flown home and I realize that I really have nothing to live for but these moments with my freinds. Ones that may or may not ever come agian.  I lived at a breakneck speed and I lived my life without reservation. This is who I am now. I live for my freinds. It’s a good life.  I just wish he was closer, I wish he was still here. It’s very difficult to say goodbye. It’s probably time I make some changes and decisions in my life... there are options. One day I won’t have to stay here. One day maybe I’ll be somewhere else. It’s not too late.

Once again I am saying goodbye to a brother. I do not want him to go home. I want him to stay here or I want him to pack me in his suitcase and take me with him. I have had an epic three weeks with him and Devon and I wouldn’t have taken a moment of it back for a second.  I’m happy. I don’t want him to go home. These adventures meant everything to me. It’s not a distraction. I would rather be with those that love me and do amazing things than be waiting on a maybe. I’m gonna keep having adventures. Maybe the next time I see the English I’ll go there. It’s time to make some changes in my life and support those that have been there in my life and support them this time. It can’t always be them coming to me. Maybe this winter.

Today was another one of the most amazing days of my life and I had some seriously fun good times today. And I did it for someone else other than me because he’s limited in the things he can do. But you know what, the smile on his face is worth more than any dollar sign or anything I could fucking own in this life. The fact that I did with two of my oldest friends, both of which I consider family... and the fact they got along famously this trip makes it even fucking sweeter. That pic is amazing and will be a memory for years to come.

These are the happy moments. I’m doing things and living my life the way I want. No fucks given. I’m going to enjoy the things I like and the company I have for as long as I have them. That’s what my life is now. This is who I am. This is who I’m going to be. I’m going to seek my own path until I’m too old to do anything anymore. And then I’ll be alone. The family path was never mine. I have my freinds. That’s all I will ever have. But it will be enough. Look at tonight. I’m fucking happy. Tired but happy. This is where I belong. With people that care about me every day, not just when i am convenient for them. I have freinds on multiple continents that come to visit me and have a good time and I will be visiting them next. I honestly wonder how much of my time here as a Hamiltonian is limited. I could move. I will never be held as a square box in someone’s round hole.... I have too much of a life left to live. And I’m happy. 

  I am having fun and enjoying my freinds company. I don’t want him to go home. Tommorow is the last big day and we are even doing something tonight. But this is how I live my life right now. My good freinds and my interesting life. There’s not much missing. Just one thing. I’m going to continue to live my life tho. Because that is who I am, I think my next trip will be England alone. I think a month there is needed, both for me and for the people I care about in my life. It’s bucket list anyways. 

There was a reason I was trying to make this year special. But i guess it just wasn’t important to you. But you made my 24th one of the happiest memories in my life I wanted to do the same for you for 48, but I guess it wasn’t to be. You had more important things to do and as usual I’m just a fucking afterthought until you come back when you need or want me. You’re my greatest failure and biggest victory, my worst enemy and my best friend. My greatest battle and my worst defeat. Of course it’s always going to be young and yang. Light and dark. Good and evil, between us. We can never know balance. One of us will always disappoint the other. Especially when we actually need each other.  But I fucking tried. I’m still trying. I wanted this year to be different. But you continue to make you’re fucking choices. And that is you’re right and you’re decision. Just because I’ll always be here to land when you fall, it doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I just won’t be doing any epic things to

I may love you, but you aren’t my only priority right now in this life. And the come and go bullshit is something that I will never tolerate. I will just disappear no matter how much I love you and him. I made a vow to no longer fight with you. So there is no anger, there is no hate, there is just fade away. You won our private battles. That moment is done. And the moment we need now, that’s on you when you are fucking ready. Not me. When and if you want me to come home you’ll make that phone call. Not before, and not for anything I’ve fucking done. I’ll just be an emotional pretzel until that moment comes or I fade away forever. I’m not sure in this moment which one is preferable. I just know the outcome I fucking want. The one I am silently fighting for. I know my worth and I know I have a good life until I have you agian. Look at the whirlwind shit I am doing this week and I haven’t even gotten fucking started yet. I just wish you and my son were doing these things with me. I’ll alw

  Minus one moment I have promised you already. The rest of this summer is for me and my freinds. I’m going to enjoy my life and do things with them instead of dwelling on you, I owe my freind from the uk that. It’s about being happy and having fun and I do that. A lot. I don’t need anything else in my life right now. Just good freinds and a pint of beer. That’s where I stand. I don’t have any fucking time for anyone’s that going to take advantage of me in my life. I will abandon you. I will walk the fuck away and be cold and heartless. I have to worry about what’s mine and what’s most important to me. I don’t like feeling fed up by people I trust. This is why me and her aren’t together. I don’t trust her. As long as I can’t trust her there is no relationship. And I desperately want to her earn that. I’m trying to figure out her birthday gift and bring her this weekend and I don’t know if it’s going to happen but I do know that after this moment and maybe an attempt around the annivers

This trip is about appreciating the little things in and out of my life. We are having fun and    enjoying just the simple little things. I don’t need money or a woman to be happy, I just need the people that truly love me and that want to be around me. I liked going on the ghost walk in the distillery district with my freinds. I can see why you wanted to go to the Christmas market. That offer will always be open for you. But I’m having fun, and spending time with my two best friends in the world and we keep doing epic shit. I’m going to continue to do that. I live my life and I have a good time doing so. No fucks given, no regrets. No looking back.

You know why I keep getting to do epic things? Because I have good people that have always had my back in my life and have never tried to destroy me. I’ve always been a good person and I pay it forward instead of using people. I’m not always the best at it but I try.  You burn bridges, I’ve watched you do it. Meanwhile my freinds would help me out of anything including if I ever needed help for the ring. There was a reason I didn’t. I don’t need help, I don’t need anyone. I just need me and I’ll always find my way and new ways to be me and to be happy and live my best life. But I’m tired. I’m sick of my adventures without you. But I’ll still skin the razors edge with my life and do things because I can. I live a self destructive life because I can. Because I know when to stop and when to pull back. You don’t. As for the rest of the summer, except for a planned moment with you. I’m fucking busy, my freind from England is here and we are doing stuff. For the moment I’m treating you as yo

I tried to do something amazing for us this summer because the one big moment we’ve never had is spending a summer together doing things and I really wanted to. I did it for you, I did it for him but I guess it wasn’t in the cards due to you’re behaviour and decisions. I’ll keep trying for a little while longer. But then I’ll fade until you need or want my agian. Those are our rules of engagement. I’m fine with that. I have my own life and my own friends and my own things to do. I’m fine with that. I want you beside me not just in my orbit once in a while. And you have to live with the fact that you are not no matter how much I try. I will always try. I remember what it was like when I no longer wanted to try. And there was an emptiness more than the one I had now inside. Maybe as long as I try I have hope, instead of hate. I don’t want to go back to that. One day all hope will fade and instead of fading for a fucking moment like you want me to I will fade forever and you won’t be able

There is no love without trust. Every time we get close you fucking shatter it. And yet I keep trying. Why? Why do I love you so much? I should walk away and be finished with it. But this only ends with you’re death or mine. And I shouldn’t have those thoughts constantly. But I wonder if you will truly be there at the end. Because right now I truly feel that’s the only moment we will ever have again. I’ll mourn you, you’ll mourn me. And we will still love each other no matter who goes first. I just want to be in you’re arms. That’s all. I keep trying. You keep rejecting it. Why? Why do I try? I have a good life. I have good people. I just don’t have you. I should. There is one special person in this world for everyone and despite all the trials and tribulations. You are mine.

  You know it sucks the most when you both offer hope and withdraw it. I have done some amazing things this month and next and we need to discuss them. But as always when we have something important to change our lives, you run from it. As always. It’s so fucking predictable. I can try but it doesn’t matter because you run away. Nothing is ever good enough for you and you like hurting me with you’re actions. But I’m the one you cry to when things falls apart and when you cry. You know where I stand, and you know I’m always going to be there. Why do you continue to play games with our and our child’s life? I guess I should be used to it by now, you’re false promises and the bullshit that you use to rope me in? But saying stuff like you’re going to come to my regular busking spot is giving hope. I might believe you one day. I might even do something stupid in our spot in the near future. But right now you don’t give me any reason to believe, you are just giving me more and more reasons t

  There is no anger in my life,only peace. Only disappointment that you keep making the same choices for yourself and my child. It all leads to ruin. I keep trying to do epic and awesome things for us and you reject us. I think you are afraid I think that’s all it is. I am so far beyond fighting with you, but I will never stop fighting for you. Even if every time you push me away. That’s the mistake I made then, I will not make that mistake again. I will always be here. Even when you don’t want to me to be. Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: Amaranthe, Do or Die I sacrificed everything for you. I have tried to see what you see how you see it but I can't. All I see is the lies and the violence and how it's changed you. Turned you into a monster.