The chess game: A Moment.

You know it sucks the most when you both offer hope and withdraw it. I have done some amazing things this month and next and we need to discuss them. But as always when we have something important to change our lives, you run from it. As always. It’s so fucking predictable. I can try but it doesn’t matter because you run away. Nothing is ever good enough for you and you like hurting me with you’re actions. But I’m the one you cry to when things falls apart and when you cry. You know where I stand, and you know I’m always going to be there. Why do you continue to play games with our and our child’s life?

I guess I should be used to it by now, you’re false promises and the bullshit that you use to rope me in? But saying stuff like you’re going to come to my regular busking spot is giving hope. I might believe you one day. I might even do something stupid in our spot in the near future. But right now you don’t give me any reason to believe, you are just giving me more and more reasons to be broken and you demolished me years ago.

I don’t know where we are going to end up but this coming and going I think you do intentionally to hurt me. Especially when I make major effort for us.

But you don’t want that. You just betray me constantly because that’s where we have always stood. That’s where we are always going to stand. That’s on you. I never betrayed you. Not fucking once.

I’m getting tired of this game. All I wanted was one moment with you. I keep trying and you keep disappointing me.

One moment. It’s all we need, but as usual it’s on you’re timeline.

I’ll see you at 50.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

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