The chess game: A Moment.

You know it sucks the most when you both offer hope and withdraw it. I have done some amazing things this month and next and we need to discuss them. But as always when we have something important to change our lives, you run from it. As always. It’s so fucking predictable. I can try but it doesn’t matter because you run away. Nothing is ever good enough for you and you like hurting me with you’re actions. But I’m the one you cry to when things falls apart and when you cry. You know where I stand, and you know I’m always going to be there. Why do you continue to play games with our and our child’s life?

I guess I should be used to it by now, you’re false promises and the bullshit that you use to rope me in? But saying stuff like you’re going to come to my regular busking spot is giving hope. I might believe you one day. I might even do something stupid in our spot in the near future. But right now you don’t give me any reason to believe, you are just giving me more and more reasons to be broken and you demolished me years ago.

I don’t know where we are going to end up but this coming and going I think you do intentionally to hurt me. Especially when I make major effort for us.

But you don’t want that. You just betray me constantly because that’s where we have always stood. That’s where we are always going to stand. That’s on you. I never betrayed you. Not fucking once.

I’m getting tired of this game. All I wanted was one moment with you. I keep trying and you keep disappointing me.

One moment. It’s all we need, but as usual it’s on you’re timeline.

I’ll see you at 50.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Threat.

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact. You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family. Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

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